


Augenfresser

by cottontale



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Disabled Character, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Introspection, M/M, Mystery, Psychological Thriller, Slow Build, Suicide, Supernatural AU - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-01-14 18:11:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 75,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1276045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottontale/pseuds/cottontale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Monsters did not like to hide under beds, as his father had told him. No; he found the monster hiding in his closet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ad undas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be mindful of my tags: this will be chilling, sort of humorous, and probably not what you're expecting. Read tags before bookmarking or continuing onwards, dears.

Chronic Depression was his cause of death. 

The sea was his gravestone. 

-

As he sat in the backseat of his parent's car, Eren looked out the window to the waves breaking along the sand. Eyes glassy, blinking dumbly against the glare of the Pacific sun, he let himself go. The emptiness in his mind was familiar—a constant presence that he learned to accept. No matter how many pills, therapy sessions, promises, and stupid questions, he knew already how he'd die. He wouldn't get better. Chronic was synonymous with terminal. 

He felt the car slow, tires crunching over the gravel and sand. Shifted into park, radio turned off, keys chiming in the ignition. He faked sleep.

"He's out," His father murmured, moving in his seat behind the wheel. "A fourteen hour drive will do that to you, I suppose." 

"His insomnia must have given up for now." His mother sighed, tired. "Is this... really the right decision, Grisha?" 

"Carla," He sounded impatient. Eren imagined his lips thinned, forehead in wrinkles. "We've talked about this. Eren needs rest, a vacation from home. Some fresh air will do wonders for his mental health." He removed the keys, the ringing reminder gone. 

"Look at him, Grisha," She begged, angry, probably clenching her teeth and pulling on her hair. "He's so thin, his eyes are purple, he needs to more therapy." 

Eren nearly shot up in his seat. Couldn't they just leave him alone? Let him decide? 

"No, he's staying here with the Arlerts, Carla. End of discussion." 

The door opened and slammed, jostling his temple against the plastic. His mother followed, but gently closed her door. She tapped on the glass. 

"Eren," Her voice was tight, but controlled. "Eren, sweetie, wake up. We're here."

Skilled in the art of bullshitting, he blinked slowly and yawned. He ended up actually yawning and tried to rid of his sleepy tears. Grunting, he stretched before wiggling. His ass was fast asleep and practically buzzing. 

"Fucking finally." He said under his breath, bending to look at the house in front of them. 

The beach house was a three story condo. White walls, windows, porches, and decorations. Only the visible ceilings were a powder blue. The front door was a classic French, clean and purposed for natural light. Sea shells sat on the balcony edges, lining the rails with different colors, all perfectly matched from light to dark. He assumed Armin's handiwork. 

"Can you get your stuff?" His mother asked, drawing his attention. 

A fresh breeze of salt and sea life smacked his cheeks. 

"I'm fine." He mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He jumped out of the car.

He smacked away her arm when she reached for his things. She let him stuff his music into his backpack and toss his duffle over a shoulder. Slamming the trunk shut, ignoring his mother's hurt look because fuck, now he felt bad, Eren followed his father up the steps.

The door bell rang, but instead of the standard jingle, wind chimes echoed in the house. Readjusting his luggage, Eren decided he preferred the new sound.

"Oh, you're early!" Armin's grandfather opened the white door and smiled, face shaded under his straw hat. "Grisha, Carla, Eren come in please."

Grandfather squeezed them all as they passed the threshold and laughed when Eren tripped over nothing. 

The inside was in stark contrast with the outside. Darker, rich colors decorated with walls and furniture. There were three couches, one leather, one fabric, and the last a black wicker. Sand scratched under their feet and the marble floors. A large television was planted in between two of the couches, sandwiched by bookshelves. Windows were open, letting in the breeze and the wet air that always seemed to swim around the sea. Eren took a deep breath and exhaled when he heard hurried footsteps. 

"Eren!" 

Armin launched himself at his best friend and laughed into his neck. He wore shorts and a tank-top, a book in his right hand. The blond tore away with a bright smile and even brighter eyes. 

"I can't believe you're already here!" Armin cheered, and turned to Grisha and Carla. "Good to see you, thanks for letting me steal Eren for the summer." 

His grandfather laughed, clear and happy. Eren liked that sound too. 

"You wouldn't believe how many times he asked me today, 'Is it three o' clock yet?' 'Did you hear a car pull-up?'" He didn't seem annoyed, but amused. He tossed Eren a grin. 

Grisha laughed, but Eren could detect the strained, high-pitched edges. He felt cold despite the summer-heated air flowing through the condo. 

"Of course, we're thankful for your hospitality." His professional voice was deep and forceful. Grandfather didn't break his smile, but continued to cheerfully push away the looming grim atmosphere. They all knew why Eren was really there. 

"It's no trouble, Armin is glad to have a friend for the summer. He even got a job at the corner," He pointed in the vague direction and they all turned as if they could see the store. "Book clerk for four hours everyday." 

"That's wonderful," Carla piped up, giving Armin a gentle smile. "You two must be so excited." 

Eren nodded, feeling slightly less empty. Armin always managed to lift his spirits with his enthusiasm and general love of knowledge. The blond nodded vigorously. 

"Definitely!" He grabbed Eren's wrist and tugged, "Come on, let's get you settled. I want to show you around before it gets too late." He waved to the Jaegers and his grandfather before darting up the stairs. 

"Thanks for the save," Eren whispered behind him, stomping just loud enough for his overbearing parents to fall deaf to his words. "I've missed you." 

When they reached the top steps, Armin stopped. He turned with a wobbly smile and wet eyes. 

"I missed you so much," He breathed and leaned in for a hug. Happy to oblige, Eren scooped him closer and rested a cheek on his head. "I love you, Eren."

Heart growing two sizes, Eren let himself break out a tilted smile. His cheeks hurt with the action, but Armin was always worth the pain. 

"Love you too, Armin." He squeezed before exhaling quietly. Armin pulled away, tears edging his waterline. 

"Now," Armin swallowed heavily, looking away with his cheeks dusting pink, "Your room. It's across from mine, third floor. There's a balcony overlooking the beach too." 

He lead him up another flight of stairs and journeyed to the end of the house. Three doors sat near large, clean windows. They were open and the breeze felt heavenly. Armin pointed to the only door on the left. 

"That's your's," He twirled to his own room, "And that's mine. I wasn't sure if you remembered, because I used to be on the second floor. But this time I have my own bathroom." He gestured to the third door, adjacent to his room. 

Eren nodded, vaguely remembering. His childhood had been filled with beach visits, Mikasa finishing his ice cream, and Armin screaming if something touched his leg in the water. 

"Noted," Eren said, tone light. "No sleepovers, then?" 

Armin shrugged and opened Eren's bedroom, flicking on the lights. "Most likely." He said, "Grandfather insisted you have a room to yourself. But I told him that you probably wouldn't use it a lot." 

Eren agreed. He missed Armin and despite wanting to be alone 80% of the time, he knew he should be grateful. 

The bedroom was simple. A queen-sized bed lay in the center, the focal point and attention grabber. A canopy of net draped over the wooden posts and made Eren fell like he was on a honeymoon. The sheets were a deep navy, pillows artfully placed, matching the color scheme. A side table sat on either side, along with a dresser and a door, most likely a closet. French doors lead out onto a small balcony. 

"Wow," He didn't know what the say. He noticed more shells on the rails, this time ranging from reds to oranges. "This is great, Armin." 

"Grandfather dragged me to Bed, Bath & Beyond for hours." Armin jumped on the bed, swatting the net away. "For bugs, if you leave the windows open, which I advise. Summer here can get kind of gross." 

He dropped his duffle and backpack, nodding. He appreciated the thought, but the room somehow seemed cold. 

Armin sat up, "Oh, I think I hear them yelling for us. Let's go." 

Eren let himself be tugged along, belly still upset despite how amazing his best friend was. He shook off the feeling, forcing himself to think about the sea, the parent-free summer, and the definite lack of therapy sessions. 

-

The pizza was nearly enough to make him forget everything. He missed junk food and the joy of making food from scratch. His parents had left before dinner, insisting they were fine and wanted to get to their hotel before dark. Eren didn't mind in the least. 

"All right, get out the yeast, Armin." Grandfather looked up from his book, on a pizza recipe. "Eren, could you grab the cheese from the fridge? You should be able to sniff it out." 

Smiling widely, not sure how Grandfather made him feel like a million bucks, Eren nodded. He trotted to the fridge, found the cheese after a minute and ran into Armin. 

"Ow!" Armin huffed and pinched Eren on the arm lightly. "You stepped on me." 

Eren didn't apologize, but pinched his best friend back. 

"Boys! The yeast and cheese please." Grandfather interrupted, smiling and rolling his eyes. "Also, for future reference, this is a food fight free zone." 

Armin eventually handed over the plastic container of dried yeast. Eren placed the cold cheese on the back of his neck, his blond hair tied up. Armin yipped and jumped, smacking Eren in the stomach. Eren laughed and wheezed, not noticing Grandfather taking the cheese away. 

"You jerk!" 

"Armin, get out a medium bowl and the measuring cups. Eren," Eren turned to Grandfather, still smiling, "Behave." 

He didn't promise anything. 

They had a flour war, despite the rules of a food fight free zone. Grandfather smacked an egg on Eren's head while Eren pushed a bag of flour down Armin's shirt. Screaming, they ganged up on Grandfather and covered him in flour and soaked him with water. They ended up ordering pizza. 

"Oh my god," Eren moaned around his slice of pepperoni, "It was so worth it." 

Armin sneezed over his pizza, flour still everywhere. 

"Yeah, yeah. We still have to clean it. And you have egg in your hair." Armin turned to his Grandfather, who was rolling a piece of pizza into his mouth. "You're so lucky you're bald. You don't have to get egg and flour out of your hair." 

Grandfather shrugged, "Life's unfair. And you're right, you will clean it." He finished chewing and dusted off his straw hat. "We'll go down to the beach tonight, if you want. It's not too cold out yet." 

"Awesome!" Armin grinned and polished off his fourth slice. "I'm still hungry. Are you going to finish that?" 

Eren paused, looking at his second slice. He wanted to eat it, but now that the fun was over, he didn't really care. It had always amused him how much Armin could eat. 

"No, you can have it." 

"Armin!" Grandfather snapped, "Let Eren finish his own food. You can have mine." He slid over the box of hawaiian. 

Grateful, Eren ate his slice and tried to memorize the taste. 

"All right, get cleaning, then take a shower and we'll go to the beach." Grandfather stood and bumped the empty box on Armin's head. "Come on, I'll even help." 

"Do you wanna swim?" Armin asked, taking his plate and Eren's into the kitchen. Eren followed, careful of the mess caked on the floor. 

"Um, is that even a good idea? To swim at night?" He'd heard it exactly wasn't, but wanted to anyway. Armin, on the other hand, was easily scared. 

"It's not... safe exactly. But we'll turn on the flood lights and wont go out too far. Come on, I've always wanted to." He started to load the dishwasher, and handed Eren a rag. "Do you want to wipe the counters? I'll do the floors." 

"Sure." Eren scrubbed the counters, dancing around Armin and his grandfather. They cleaned every inch until Eren was about to complain about the smell of so much vinegar. 

"Okay, you two can go shower." Grandfather relented, "I'll finish mopping. And don't take an hour, Armin." 

Armin didn't answer, but his frown was enough. They trotted upstairs together and Armin stopped in a hall closet to grab towels.

"Here you go, I know you have some your bathroom, but you're kind of gross and trying to imitate a cake." He smiled and grabbed himself some too. "See you downstairs, don't wait up." 

Eren nodded and walked into his borrowed room. Now that everything was silent, he felt drained. The day's social interaction was almost overwhelming. He hadn't talked or laughed that much in weeks, ever since Mikasa left for school overseas. The reminder of her lack of company had him sighing. 

He jumped in the shower, clothes still on. He washed the egg out pretty easily, but the flour was caked on thickly. Washing his hair four times and finally getting most of it out, he turned off the water. The water tank inside the walls clanked and the water drained, still a cloudy white. Eren dried off, hung a towel around his waist and looked through his duffle for his swim trunks. He couldn't find them.

He eyed the closet and paused. The door was cracked and he could have sworn it had been closed when he'd gone for a shower. Did Armin or Grandfather get something?

Cautiously, he opened the door and found it empty with just a few clothes. After a moment, he closed it and turned to see the edge of his trunks under the bed. The hairs on his arms stood and he hurriedly grabbed them, dressed, and ran downstairs. He was definitely sleeping with Armin.

-

The beach sounded like muffled speech through a glass window. Eren could barely hear the waves or Armin's laughter as he ran into the surf. Grandfather stood behind them, trying to find the plugs for their flood lights. Eren turned around to the house, looking to his bedroom window. 

What had happened? He had just freaked. His trunks were under the bed... so what? Maybe he had accidentally tossed them out when digging through his duffle. And he'd steer away from the closet all together. He didn't do well in closed spaces. 

"Eren, come on! The water's fine!" Armin kicked water at him half-heartedly and pouted. "Don't be a spoil sport." 

The flood lights turned on, momentarily blinding Eren. He blinked and look to the side of the house. He fell over. 

"Hey, what are you doing?" Armin walked through the sand and helped Eren stand. "Why'd you fall over?" 

"I-I-I could have sworn!" Eren pointed to the side of the house, now bathed in light. "Someone was there, on the porch!" 

Armin tilted his head and frowned. Grandfather craned his neck to try and find whoever Eren had seen. 

"I promise, someone was there! They were really pale and um, short." He sounded crazy and Armin confirmed his doubts with a shake of his head. Nobody was there. 

"Well, maybe they got scared and ran off when I turned on the lights." Grandfather reasoned and patted Eren on the back. "I believe you." 

Heart still slamming against his ribcage, Eren held onto Armin. 

"Let's get in the water for a while before it get's too late." His best friend insisted and Eren nodded, finally tearing his gaze from the house. "Let's find some shells. I need some yellows and pinks." 

While they searched for shells, Grandfather keep up a conversation to keep Eren's mind on topic. He was grateful. Slowly, he calmed down and shot Grandfather a small smile. He was an immense help. 

"All right, time to go back inside." He called after another hour. "My fingers are so pruned, I don't know what are wrinkles and what are not." 

Armin and Eren snorted, carrying their haul of shells and sea glass. 

"Sleeping with me tonight?" Armin asked as they got ready for bed, pulling on sweats and brushing their teeth. Eren only grabbed a handful of clothes and his toothbrush from his bedroom, finishing his nightly routine in Armin's bathroom. 

"Yep." He tried to hide the creeped-out tone of his voice, but Armin didn't seem to notice. He continued to brush his teeth and brush his hair. 

"Ugh, will the flour ever come out?" He whined, yanking the hairbrush, "I washed like six times." 

Eren shrugged and spit. 

He waited in Armin's full bed, glad it wasn't so large. He wasn't a fan of big beds without someone to help him fill it. 

When Armin finished, he jumped in bed, turned out the light and yawned heavily. He turned to face his best friend. 

"I'm so glad you're here, Eren. I can't believe this is actually happening." He smiled sleepily. Eren felt affection rush through him. Armin almost always feel straight asleep when he put his head on the pillow. 

"Me either." He yawned and closed his eyes. Armin turned back over and settled. 

Eren forgot about the figure on the porch, his creepy bedroom, and why he was there. All that mattered what that Armin was there with him and he would be for a long time. 

On the edge of sleep, Eren suddenly shivered. The air was colder now. He blinked and watched Armin's back move. 

"Eren? Why are you tickling my feet?" Armin asked, voice sleepy and groggy. Eren felt his heart jolt and panic. 

"I’m not touching you, Armin." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: to the waves (to hell)
> 
> WARNINGS: if you scare easily, don't continue. If you read this in the dark, you're fucked and I suggest you turn on a light. If you're alone and in the dark, wow you're truly a dumb ass and deserve being freaked out because REALLY? Go grab your dog/cat/friend and make sure you don't let go, or else that thing your closet will come grab you for a visit. 
> 
> feel free to look up what the German title means, but be warned: it's creepy as fuck. It is relevant to the story, so enjoy that bit of information. 
> 
> This happened because Season 2 of Hannibal and I needed more creepy AU's.


	2. aegri somnia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: read this during the day, just trust me.

Red stitches in his lips, eye sockets empty, skin peeled back. It wore his body like a suit, and he watched on in horror. His eyes stared back. 

The Thing stood tall, pale, naked and grinning. It had no lips. A red and white sinister sneer filled the copy of his face. 

"What are you?" He asked, words slipping past his stitched lips. They bled black.

" _Augenfresser_." 

He didn't understand. The word slipped away from his mind, a lost memory, the sounds like clanging pans and smacking spoons. 

-

"How'd you sleep?" Armin muttered, knees to his chest, feet on Eren's thighs. 

In a cold sweat, mouth open in a silent scream, Eren blinked and inhaled a shuttering breath. 

"Eren?" 

"F-Fine." He muttered, "Bad dream." 

Armin nodded, "I used to get those a lot." He pushed back the sheets and wiggled his toes. Eren stared. Had he dreamt that too? 

Armin's feet were red with white marks indenting the skin, like he had scratched them until he bled. Armin didn't seem to notice. He walked normally to his closet and Eren held his breath as he opened the door. Armin simply picked out his hanging outfit for the day, his shirt pinned with a nametag. The closet was empty except for clothes and shoes. 

"I have work today." His shoulders slumped and he guiltily looked over his shoulder. "But I promised Annie we'd hang out later. You game?" 

Eren sat up, watching Armin close his closet. He nodded. 

"Yeah, how is she?" Eren asked, forcing himself to look at Armin. 

"Pretty good," He began to undress, so Eren averted his eyes back to the closet. He sucked in a breath when he caught a flash of movement from under the door. "Better now af—"

"Armin!" Eren jumped out of bed and yanked open the closet. 

There was nothing but a swinging silk scarf. 

"Eren, oh my god," Armin clutched his shirt over his heart. "What was that?" 

"S-Sorry," He didn't bother closing the door and walked out of the room. "I'm getting a, uh, shower." 

"Wait, hey," Armin grabbed his wrist, "Are you okay?" 

"Fine." He mumbled, tugging back his arm and closing his bedroom door behind him. He slumped on the wood; eyes closed, he took a deep breath.

He pressed a hand over his mouth, feeling smooth, but sensitive lips. He touched his eyelids, relieved to feel the bump of his corneas. It was just a bad dream. 

A scratching sound. 

Eren jumped from the floor, eyes snapping open, heart in his throat. The sound continued, dull, like a pencil on paper. It came from the closet. 

-

He lay on the leather coach, staring at the black wicker across from him. The memories of the scratching and his dream were vivid. But he couldn't remember what It called itself. It didn't even sound human. 

"Breakfast is ready," Grandfather walked into the living room holding a plate of eggs, pancakes, and fruit. "Serve yourself, buffet style. Armin should be down soon." 

Eren nodded, pale and sticky with sweat. Grandfather didn't comment on his silence or appearance. He turned on the television. 

He filled his plate, not even paying attention that he had poured syrup on his strawberries, struggling to calm down. His imagination was beginning to encroach upon reality, that was all. The movement in Armin's closet was just a scarf. Perhaps the scratching in his closet was a mouse. Or even in his mind. He walked back to the leather couch, crossing his legs. Grandfather looked up, his mouth full of pancake. 

"Interesting choices," He pointed to Eren's soaked plate. "Care for some pancakes with your syrup?" 

Eren looked at his plate, seeing eggs and strawberries swimming in syrup. He shrugged and put the plate to the side. 

"The cap came off." His voice was different, quiet and feeble. He snapped his jaws shut. Grandfather raised a brow. 

"Okay," He put down his own plate, "Well, because Armin has to work for a while, I thought I'd go to the grocery for you vultures. Is there anything you'd like?"

He shrugged, uncaring.

"Pizza?" Grandfather asked and Eren nodded furiously. He laughed. "All right, maybe I'll get frozen ones this time. The flour still isn't out of my eyebrows." 

Cracking a smile, Eren looked to his plate. He was hungry, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. 

"I'll stop by the post office tomorrow," Grandfather added, catching Eren's attention again. "If you'd like to write to your friends or Mikasa." 

Brightening, happy to think about the normalcy in his life, Eren thanked him and tried a soaked strawberry. It wasn't too bad. 

"Hey," Armin walked down the stairs, dressed nicely, hair washed. "The flour still wont come out. Is it noticeable?" 

Eren and Grandfather shared a look before continuing to eat. 

"No fair, don't gang up on me!" Armin yelled and smacked the back of Eren's head. He laughed. "What is this mutiny? Shouldn't it be the other way around?" 

"Go eat your breakfast," Grandfather smiled and avoided Armin's pinches, "And hurry, you have to clock in soon." 

Armin huffed, pulling a pancake to his plate. "I know, I know, you tell me every time." 

"Because you never remember." 

Enjoying their bickering, Eren ate another strawberry, dripping syrup over his knuckles and legs. 

"Oh no," He whined, feeling the sticky liquid dry on his leg hair. "That's going to be a bitch." 

"Language," Grandfather snapped, but grinned at Eren's problem. "Just take a shower." 

The reminder of his room sent his stomach swooping to his knees. He swallowed his bite and his throat felt thick, like the syrup was coating him from the insides as well. Armin laughed, but just like on the beach, it sounded muffled and quiet. Eren blinked, eyes dry. He pressed a sticky hand to his mouth, just to make sure. 

"Here, I'll fix you another plate." Grandfather stood, took his breakfast and left. Armin sat next to him, jostling Eren into the arm of the couch. 

"Earth to Eren," He waved a hand in his face. Eren whipped his head to him, eyes wide. "Hey, you're really pale. Are you feeling sick? Why don't you take it easy." 

He nodded. His mouth felt like it was stitched red again, dripping black. He pressed his fingers over his eyes and shook. 

Armin rubbed between his shoulders, "Did you take your medicine? It's been on the counter where your father left it." 

No, he hadn't taken it. He shot up and ran to the kitchen, nearly knocking over Grandfather. 

"Whoa there!" He moved the plate above their heads, "Careful, I was going to bring you your plate." 

Eren ignored him, grabbing his orange and white pill bottle and fumbling with the cap. 

"Here, let me." Soothingly, Grandfather put a hand over Eren's and twisted the bottle away. "Get yourself some orange juice. Just one pill?" 

"Y-Yes." His throat was not cooperating. "Thanks." 

"Of course." He shook out a large, blue pill. Eren gratefully swallowed it dry. He coughed it down. "Easy, Eren. Drink something next time. Here's your plate." Grandfather placed the plate on the counter. 

"Sorry," Eren managed to get out, trying to ignore the way he could still feel the pill travel down his body. Past his collarbones, to his sternum, deeper. "I'm just tired." 

 -

Grandfather left with a tip of his hat and advice for Eren to maybe take a nap. He left him a pen and pad of paper, just in case he chose to write a letter. Grateful, Eren nodded as he closed the door. 

He was alone. Nothing was in the closets, or on the porch or in his skin he reminded himself. He simply hadn't taken his medicine and that was that. Surprised that he was even tired, Eren curled back into the leather couch. Usually, his insomnia had other ideas. Once he hadn't slept for over seventy-hours, a nap of forty-five minutes in between days. Now he felt the same—stretched thin, brain clouded, eyes burning. He yawned, jaw popping. 

But he didn't want to sleep. He didn't want those dreams back, despite the lingering morbid curiosity to know what the creature was. Eren closed his eyes, pulling the blanket around him tighter. He could see It. It towered over him, blurry around the edges, his memory failing him. The terrifying grin was still there, etched into his mind forever. His eyes, yellow bursting into blue, stared unblinkingly back at him. It opened Its mouth, a chattering, chilling noise making him jump. 

His eyes flew open, searching around the living room. He couldn't sit still. He doubted he'd ever sleep again. 

Running outside the house, he didn't bother closing the door. The beach wasn't very crowded, spots of teenagers or families just setting up in the heat. The sun was bright, hot, and made his skin warm. Much better. 

Eren sat on the shore, not caring that he got sand everywhere, his syrup caked legs the least of his worries. The waves lulled him back to reality. The smell of sea life and salt soothed his nerves. He didn't dare look back to the house. He would probably imagine that Thing again. 

For a long time, he baked under the sun. People did not disturb him, just walking past and mumbling at how dark he was getting. Eren sighed, pleased. He loved his Turkish roots, how dark he'd get from just sitting in the summer air for ten minutes. He was the opposite of that pale, ghoulish creature. 

Maybe he'd write to Mikasa. He missed her. She left for the summer semester only two weeks ago, but her loss was still fresh. Being alone with his parents nagging him had been sending him to the edge. Happy to be on the Pacific coast with Armin, he pushed away the negative thoughts. As much as he hated Mikasa's constant supervision, the lack dug a hole in heart. He'd give anything to have it filled. 

A scream had him scrambling to his feet. A little girl was running away from the cold tide, giggling as her father held out his arms to her. Thoroughly awake, he dusted the sand off his clothes and walked back to the house. The door was closed. 

The inside was cool, compared to the beach, and Eren sighed softly. A shower would be nice. 

He trudged up the stairs, alert. He walked into his borrowed room, ignored the open closet to his left and grabbed his duffel. He shuffled to the bathroom and locked the door. Shit. Shit shit shit. The closet was wide open. How he managed not to panic and scream was beyond him. He didn't want to leave now. He was stuck in the bathroom. 

He turned on the water, for noise. Perhaps that would scare whatever was out there. The harsh jets of water pounded the tub, steam curling above the curtain. 

What was he even doing? He punched the door. He was overreacting. Nothing was out there. His medicine would kick in and everything would go back to normal. It was all in his head. 

At least his bathroom was small. There was a counter with a double sink, a toilet in the corner, a shower closest to the door and a linen closet. Oh  _fuck_. Eren stumbled back into the sink, tripping over his duffel bag. There was a fucking closet in there. Vaguely, he thought he could hear a scratching noise. Someone was writing a letter in his linen closet. He let out an insane laugh, bubbling with hysteria. He was going mad, now too. Add that to his list of mental illnesses, just perfect. 

Hairbrush in hand, Eren stalked to the closet. The scratching seemed louder now, despite the shower drowning out his breath. He stared under the door, looking for any light, movement, a foot. He imagined pale fingers dipping under the crack, black nails curling over the edges. 

With a yell, he yanked open the closet. It was too small for anything to haunt. Four shelves, each lined with towels and toiletries. 

A door slammed shut. 

"Eren? You in the shower?" It was Grandfather, yelling from the first floor. Eren dropped his hairbrush, exhaling harshly. "I got groceries, so come down when you're finished!" 

"Okay!" He yelled back, surprised at how level he sounded. He didn't feel it.

Nothing was there. It was all in his head.

He stripped and jumped into the shower. He washed as quickly as he could, hissing when the syrup on his legs didn't want to come off. Sand fell from his hair and he scrubbed until his skin tingled. When he finished, he dressed while staring at the linen closet just to be safe. If he didn't blink, he'd be okay. 

"Oh good," Grandfather smiled at him as Eren hopped down from the last step. "Could you put away these pizzas? There is a freezer in the basement." 

Holy fuck no. 

Eren took the pizzas and turned to where Grandfather was pointing. A door leading to the basement was next to the fridge. Had he really never noticed that? 

"There's a light switch on the right, you'll see the freezer right in front of you." Eren nodded, and opened the door. Armin’s grandfather was just behind him. He’d be fine. Apparently monsters preferred closets in California. 

-

Blissfully blank, Eren stared at Annie from across the table. His medicine had finally kicked in after two hours and he was so thankful. He could think, he could function. He vaguely understood what Armin was saying, but he did not have the motivation to really pay attention. That required effort. 

"We should have a party," Reiner suggested. Eren turned his head. When had he gotten there? "It's great that you're staying all summer. We missed you, dude." 

"I missed everyone too." Eren offered, not sure when they all had started to care so much. 

He looked to Armin, asking a silent question. His best friend wasn't paying attention. He was eating his frozen yogurt, talking to Annie who didn't respond or look at him. Her face was stone, looking straight ahead. Eren didn't care. 

"Why not on July fourth?" Reiner asked Eren, smiling, "At my place. We moved to a huge mansion on the beach and my parents are pretty lax. We'd have fireworks, food, booze." 

The prospect of booze had Eren sitting up, "Sounds great." 

"We'll have to be careful though," Reiner went on, tossing a look to Annie. "A bunch of eighteen year olds with alcohol isn't exactly a smart idea." 

Annie turned her head to his voice, frowning. "Just because my dad is a cop doesn't mean he wont arrest your ass." 

Armin turned pink at her language. "A party is a great idea. But I don't think my grandfather would want us to go," He looked to Eren, "His dad was an alcoholic." 

"Just don't tell him about the beer, it'll be fine. You can be the DD." Reiner stole a bite of Armin's frozen yogurt, smirking at his feeble protest. "Besides, everyone will want to see Eren. Live a little!" 

Seeing how uncomfortable Armin was, Eren stood up. 

"We should go," He bullshitted, ignoring Annie's frown. "We promised we'd be back by six." 

"It's only four thirty." Reiner stood as well. Eren swallowed, looking at how large his friend had gotten. He was thick, tall, and very attractive. Eren had to force himself to look away. 

"We were going to stop by the store," Armin explained, tilting his head and pouting. "And work, so I can introduce Eren to my coworkers. They've been dying to meet him."

"Oh, okay." Reiner smiled despite how bad of a lie Armin had spouted. The shorter blond was shaking slightly, so Eren took his hand. "See you guys around? We should go to a movie sometime." 

"Sure," Eren cut in and looked to Annie. She didn't look back, but continued to stare in front of her. A little put-off, Eren just nodded to her. "Bye, guys. Great seeing you." 

Eren pushed Armin ahead of him of the parking lot, hand on his lower back for support. When they got in the car, Eren offered to drive despite his father's strict rule of no driving while medicated. He decided not to let Armin know. 

"Tell me again why we hang out with them?" Eren tried to make his tone light, but Armin frowned. 

"They're not... that bad. They've changed a lot since you and Mikasa left."

"Yeah, well, it's not like it was our choice." 

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that." Armin put a hand on Eren's arm and blinked. "Wow... you've gotten really dark. Did you go to the beach this morning?" 

Eren nodded and started the car. 

"So. Home?" He asked. 

"I guess. Grandfather wanted to eat together tonight." 

Unsettled with the thought of Armin's grandfather alone in the house for too long, Eren sped back. Despite how fuzzy his medicine made him, he doubted he'd ever forget that creature's face. 

-

That night, Eren went to bed alone. Armin had insisted that he had to get up early for work and didn't want to disturb him. Eren didn't argue. Now laying in bed, he wished he had. What if that Thing came back? What if instead of scratching at Armin's feet, It crawled up further? Several times, Eren almost shot out of his borrowed bed and readied to open the door. But the scratching had started. It was back. 

He sat up in bed, looking to the closet directly in front of him. The noise was like a nail trailing down wood, instead of pen on paper. What had changed? It grew louder, but further away, like the nail was moving from one end of the closet to the other. 

Just a mouse, Eren tried to tell himself until he heard a chattering click. Like ice water had dripped down his back, Eren stiffened and arched. He turned around and only saw the wall. Something was in the room and he couldn't breathe. 

A guttural moan this time. 

The closet door rattled. 

Eren sank in the bed, pulling the blankets over his head, feeling like he was five again and asking his father to check under his bed for monsters. But this time, They were everywhere. His eyes were closed and his imagination betrayed him. There were fifty creatures, all gasping in bone-rattling breaths, permanent grins on his stolen face. They were taller, thinner, hunched over, arms too long and dragging along the floor. 

He threw the blanket up and away. What was he doing, hiding? He was just sitting there, a still target. Grabbing his shoes next to his duffel on the floor, Eren laced them up. He'd fucking open his closet, kick the Thing in the head and figure out what the hell was going on. 

The moment he stepped on the floor, the rattling closet door stilled. The wood creaked under his shoes as he moved forward, pulse loud in his ears. He couldn't tell if the Thing was still scratching on the wood or not. Looking back at the clock on the side table, he read 3:07 AM. When he turned around, the creature was staring at him, tall, hideous, eyes missing. It's long fingers and talons wrapped around his throat and squeezed. 

Eren thrashed, kicking the sheets off his bed. What? He sat up. The room was empty and he was alone. His shoes were still on the floor and he was still in bed. He looked to the clock.

It read 3:06 AM.

The closet door swung open.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: a sick man's dreams
> 
> Levi next chapter! I freaked myself out at this ending holy fuck, I'm so sorry. If you read this at night though, I am not sorry, you're fucking idiot, I warned you. And thanks so much for the feedback, you're all wonderful. And a lot of you looked up the translation of the title... sorry not sorry. It's important, so remember that for later. 
> 
> Check out this awesome [playlist](http://8tracks.com/redmads21/augenfresser) inspired by this fic! 
> 
> tracking: #fic: augenfresser


	3. arcana imperii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alt. chapter title: Meet Levi, your friendly, neighborhood creeper
> 
> Oh my god, in the middle of writing this, I heard a scratching sound coming from under my bed and then my cat ran out from underneath it and I screamed bloody murder. I'm still not okay.

The closet was empty. 

A single skeleton key on a string laid on the floor, the floor splintered with scratches to encircle the object. Breath coming out in quick bursts, Eren walked into the closet. He looked behind him, blinking, a flash of the monsters invading his eyelids in the darkness. He snapped his eyes back open and found he was still alone. He turned back to the closet. There was another circle around the golden key, like the creature was desperate for Eren to find it. 

Despite his better judgement, he picked it up. The scratches vanished, the wood healed and clean. Eren ran his fingers over the floor, feeling for some kind of explanation. He received none. 

There was another scratch to his right. 

He fell on his hip and elbow in surprise, hissing in pain. A wooden door appeared through a gap of hanging coats. The door had no handle, only a key hole and a split, waiting to be opened. 

Eren looked to the key in his hand and back to the door. Should he really? He was the cat in the situation and if curiosity was lying in wait behind the door, he didn't like his chances. Instead, he stood with his shoes squeaking on the floor. The scratching increased, a bang rattling the wood like the monster was bashing against the barrier. 

Decided, Eren turned right back around into his bedroom, closed the closet and ran downstairs. 

He sat on the softest couch and counted his heart beats, thankful for how many still pounded in his ears. 

-

"O-Okay..." Eren spoke, mind now functioning with his pill. Armin looked to him from over his book. 

They were on the beach, Eren sitting on a towel in the sun, Armin in the shade of an umbrella. His best friend put his book down and leaned closer. 

"Okay, what?" He asked, searching Eren's face. Eren turned away, swallowing. 

"You're probably not going to believe me," He began, but halted. The scratches on Armin's feet were worse, red and reaching up to his ankles. Could he really do this? Was it truly his imagination? "But... do you believe in monsters?" 

Armin leaned away, shocked. His eyebrows disappeared behind his bangs, eyes wide. "What? Monsters? Like... vampires and werewolves?" He was laughing, unsure if Eren was joking or being serious. 

"Sure," Eren offered, despite knowing somewhere deep down the Thing in the house was _worse_ than what Armin listed. "Do you?" 

The blond looked to the ocean for a moment, puzzled. He smiled back at Eren, whose stomach plummeted. Armin wasn't taking him seriously. 

"I mean, maybe not werewolves or monsters. But like ghosts and spirits, sure." 

"Never mind," Eren mumbled and rubbed his almost burned arms. His skin was tinging pink despite his propensity to tan in the shade. "How was work?"

Weirded out by the sudden change in topic, Armin took a moment. He settled more comfortably under his umbrella. 

"Fine, really quiet. Not a lot of people are in a bookstore during the summer when the beach is a five minute walk." 

Eren nodded. He would definitely rather be in the surf. 

"I heard there's going to be a bonfire tonight," Armin went on, hoping to cheer up his best friend. "Reiner called me this morning, inviting us. Annie, Marco, Jean, Connie, and Sasha will be there. They've all missed you." 

As much as he ached to see his childhood friends, he wanted to be alone. Armin didn't believe him. He was being treated as a mental patient—cautiously, at arms-length, and like a child. 

"Let's go," He forced himself to look away from the waves, "Sound's fun." He lied, but Armin nodded, taking his words as truth. 

"Great, I'll let them know. We're supposed to bring marshmallows." 

"Where are you going?" Grandfather walked up behind them, holding two glasses of water. "Here, I thought you'd be thirsty." 

Armin took his offered drink. "Thanks, and a bonfire down the pier. Reiner invited us." 

Grandfather nodded and waited for Eren to grab his water. He sat under the umbrella despite the shade his hat provided. 

"Well, I should have some confectionary goods in the pantry." He rubbed his chin and Eren watched him think, sipping his water. "Be back before late though, you have another early shift." 

"I know," Armin sighed and dug his water to sit in the hot sand. "You told me when I got back an hour ago." 

"Eren, did you sleep well?" Grandfather completely ignored Armin, who pouted. "You look sort of tired." 

Carefully, Eren looked into his eyes. They looked concerned, serious, and dipped with caution. What was going on? 

"Not really," He answered, taking another drink to think of what to say. "My insomnia sometimes fluctuates." 

Grandfather didn't look like he bought Eren's story, but nodded anyway. 

"I have some sleeping pills, organic, up in my bathroom if you'd like to chance it. Sometimes it's difficult sleeping in this old house." He pointed behind them to the house, eyes still judging Eren. "Especially at night." 

Alarm bells went off in Eren's mind at his wording. Did he know? Why hadn't he said anything? Armin's feet had gotten worse and he wasn't doing anything about it. What if Armin began to notice and the Thing decided to creep even further upwards? To his eyes?

"Okay." Eren said dumbly, not sure what he could say. He didn't want Armin to freak out if he was just imagining things. He'd be subtle. He was tired of people shrugging him away. 

-

The bonfire started around seven o' clock so they could watch the sun settle on the horizon before lighting the fire. Eren and Armin arrived shortly after the fire was lit, people already drinking and eating whatever they could find. Practically glued to the snack table, Eren found Sasha stuffing as many marshmallows in her mouth as she could. Connie cheered her on, phone taking a video for proof. 

"Chubby bunny, dude!" Connie laughed and threw an arm around Eren. "Great to see you, it's been way too long!" 

"You too," Eren tacked on a smile, genuinely happy to see his childhood friends. "Hey Sasha." 

She mumbled around the cloud of white in her mouth, face turning purple. She grinned despite the lack of air and tried to eat around the blockage. Armin quickly helped her, removing the marshmallows. 

"Hey, I could have done it." Sasha whined, looking at the now ruined marshmallows on the sand. "No fair. I almost beat my record!" 

"Right," Armin doubted, giving her a long look. "Anyway, Eren is staying with me all summer, we should all hang out soon."

Sasha brightened and slapped a hand on Eren's back. He jerked forward, nearly knocking over the snack table.

"Eren, how've you been? When did you get in?" 

"I'm good," He insisted, trying to ignore the sting from her slap on his shoulder blade. "Couple of days ago, actually, so not long. I have 3 and half months though to stay here." His stomach settled at his feet at the reminder. 

"Awesome!" Connie cut in, grinning despite the fact his girlfriend nearly suffocated. "You'll have to come over to my place sometime, I just got the new Zelda!" 

A fan of video games, Eren agreed. And getting out of the house sounded amazing. 

"Yo, Eren!" Reiner arrived late with Annie, despite throwing the bonfire party. He waved to them from his car in the lot. "Jean and Marco said they'd come by later." 

"Right," He answered back and sat on a chair closest to the parking lot. "So what have you guys been doing?" 

He tried to keep the conversation up, encouraging Sasha and Connie's wild stories. Armin chimed in a few times, describing the times at school of how they'd get detention or fuck something up (without the colorful words). 

Reiner sat next to Eren, knocking their knees occasionally together. Flushing, grateful for the excuse of the roaring fire, Eren kept Connie talking. In the fire light, Reiner's blond hair glittered and his already thick arms looked ever more defined. 

"Earth to Eren," Reiner said and Eren snapped his head up from his arms. "You spaced out there. Ready for some stories?" 

"What stories?" 

"Scary ones, dude." Reiner laughed at Eren's paling expression. "Oh come on, don't tell me you believe that shit." 

Ignoring Armin's imploring looks, Eren shook his head. 

"I'll start!" Sasha stood up quickly, "I read this one in _Goosebumps_ , so don't spoil it if you've read it. It's super short, but made Connie scream." 

"Hey! You said you wouldn't tell anybody!" Connie yelled, blushing. Everybody laughed, except Eren and Annie. He brought his knees to his chest, happy the fire was still large and cutting through the colder air. 

"Okay, so!" Sasha ignored Connie's pouts, and started walking around the fire. "On a night like this, a little boy was in his bed. His father was tucking him in for the night."

Eren felt gooseflesh spread over his arms, imagining himself as the boy, his father insisting that monster only haunted under beds of bad boys. Eren promised every night to be a good boy since and made sure to never let his arms or legs hang out lest something grabbed him.

"'Goodnight, son.' The father told him, kissing his forehead. But the boy looked worried and sick." Her voice dropped as she crouched around the chairs, lingering close to her boyfriend. "'What's wrong?' The father asked, watching his son tremble. And in a little voice, the boy whispered, 'There's somebody under my bed.'" 

Eren grabbed the arms of his chair, remembering the previous night and when he had found his swim trunks under his borrowed bed. 

"So the father crouched down, to reassure his son that nothing was there. I mean, after all, monsters aren't real." Her tone tipped dramatically and she waved her hands, sarcastic. "And hiding under the bed was his son, who was crying." Eren blinked, confused. "And the boy said, 'Daddy, there's someone in my bed.'" 

Sasha screamed after she whispered the last words and grabbed onto Connie's chair. He fell backwards into the sand, screaming and flailing. Reiner doubled over in laughter, grabbing onto Eren's shoulder, who felt sick. 

"My turn!" Connie snapped playfully, kicking sand at his cackling girlfriend. "Okay, so a girl is laying in her bed." 

"Oh come on, how cliche is the 'under the bed' trope?'" Sasha pushed at him, so he frowned.

"Hey, you used it! So hush," He walked closer to Eren and Reiner, "Anyway, a girl is laying in her bed. It's... 3:00 AM." He adds after a pause. Eren's feet slid out from under him and he swallowed thickly. "And she hears scratching. So she sits up and tries to see if maybe her dog is pawing at her door, but her door is open. So she lies back down, forgetting about it. Five minutes later, it happens again." 

The similarity was making Eren shiver. He wanted to leave, to put his head in the sand, to shout that scary stories actually aren't that great, why don't they sing around the fire like normal teenagers? 

"She peeks over her bed and sees something move underneath it. So she leans over and hears, 'You should clean under your bed, it's getting hard to breathe.'"

Eren pitched out of his seat. He yelped, managing to avoid the fire. 

"Wow, great scream Jaeger!" Recognizing the voice, Eren sat up.

"Good to see you too, asshole!" 

"That was really mean, Jean." Marco walked around him and helped Eren to his feet. "Hey Eren." Jean laughed, putting the chair back down from pushing Eren over. 

"Damn, great timing Jean!" Reiner laughed and smiled through his tears, "Fucking amazing squeal, Eren." Blushing, Eren dusted off and sat next to Armin in the sand instead. 

"Oh come on, don't sulk." Jean cut in, smirking at Eren's reaction. "I was just messing with you." 

"Whatever." Eren brooded. 

"You really haven't changed," Jean said, taking his empty seat next to Reiner. "Is this everybody?" He looked around the fire. Connie was sitting on Sasha as she laughed, Armin was trying to console Eren, Marco was roasting a marshmallow, and Annie was ignoring Reiner. 

"Yeah," He eventually gave up trying to make Annie laugh, "This is it." 

"Wait," Eren spoke up, digging his toes in the sand. "Where's Bertoldt?" 

The fire suddenly didn't seem like enough to hold back the sudden shift in temperature. Everybody quieted, even Sasha. Clearly, he had no idea what was going on. Reiner gave him a small but grim smile, like his pet died and didn't know how to tell him. 

"He's still recovering," Armin cut in, before Eren could backtrack. "He had an... accident."

"Oh." Eren didn't know what to say. "Will he be alright?" 

This time, Reiner spoke up, "After some therapy. He lost his eyes in a freak home accident. He's in a mental facility right now," His voice was pained, quiet, contrasting with his usual boisterous attitude. "After he was checked out of the hospital, he started acting out. So his parents decided to check him in." 

His blood seemed to freeze, heart stopping. His eyes? How could he lose his eyes? The dreams of the eye-less monsters flooded back in Eren's mind, triggering him to shiver violently. So he wasn't crazy, it wasn't all in his head. Maybe Bertoldt had met them and ended up worse. Imagining Armin without eyes made him want to yank open the door to his closet and demand to know what the fuck was happening. 

"He'll be okay." Marco said, bringing Eren back to reality. "He's getting the help he needs." 

-

The house was silent, the only noise being the wind howling through Eren's open window. Armin had gone to bed early, as he had a morning shift and insisted Eren sleep alone again. After promising to wear socks to bed, Armin hugged him goodnight. Eren hadn't wanted to let go, but Armin pulled away with a sleepy smile. 

Now Eren sat on his bed, the skeleton key around his neck. He had worn it all day, debating and arguing internally whether or not to throw the damn thing in the ocean or open the door in his closet. But the story about Bertoldt and his missing eyes had been the deciding factor: he _had_ to know. He had to stop whatever was happening to them, to not only their house, but apparently the entire area in California if Bertoldt had indeed met the creatures. 

He couldn't stop himself from thinking of what Bertoldt might looked like. He felt sick as he did, but morbid curiosity took ahold of him. The kind, quiet, pushover that was Bertoldt Hoover, now blind and ailing in a mental facility. Eren's heart ached for him. He could absolutely understand how easily it was to crack over the pressure of the unknown. After all, he was slowly succumbing to it. 

Lacing up his shoes, Eren watched the key swing back and forth. It was dark gold, tied with a leather string and perfectly clean. No scratch marks, no nothing. He at least expected maybe a substance or indentations, not perfection. It unnerved him more. 

The scratching started again the moment he walked closer to the closet. He almost went back to grab his hairbrush, or anything to protect himself with. But he had nothing, just his trusty sneakers to bruise whatever was lurking in there. 

The noise grew louder, more insistent. A sinister, almost wet clicking of a tongue on the roof of a mouth. The door partially hidden behind the hanging clothes was still there, rattling impatiently. 

"Okay," Eren whispered and nearly yipped when the doors buckled at his words, like the creature absolutely needed to get out. "Could you s-stop with the noises? I think I understand." The sounds continued, like the Thing was annoyed. It helped to think of the creature with human tendencies. Maybe It wasn't all bad. Eren's pounding heart didn't slow despite the some-what comforting thought. "I'll let you out." 

Silence.

The door stilled, the scratched discontinued. The clicking cut off and Eren stopped breathing. He bit his bottom lip, closing his eyes. Oh fuck, he was really doing this. He was probably going to be that idiot who died off first in horror films. 

He readied himself, preparing to unlock the door, bolt from the closet and wait for whatever was inside to show up. He'd be ready to kick if the Thing decided to be less than friendly. 

Shakily, he opened his eyes and lifted the key from around his neck. One last pound against the door and It settled. Nearly dropping the key twenty times, he entered the head inside the chamber and turned. The telling click of a mechanism unlocking set Eren flying backwards, out of the closet, hiding behind the door. 

The sound of creaking hinges made him sweat. A heavy body was sliding out of the closet, skin against wood, jostling the hidden door. Eren didn't dare look inside, eyes wide open, staring at his shoes, hyperventilating. 

After a minute of waiting and nothing grabbing his neck or ankles, Eren stood on shaking ankles. Should he dare? It hadn't attacked, clicked, scratched, or even spoken yet. Perhaps the Thing was waiting for him to make a move, like a snake—just as frightened as a human was.  

Eren took a breath and looked inside. 

It was hunched over, as if cradling whatever body heat It had left. The skin was milky white, sickly-looking and stretched taut over Its bones. Eren nearly screamed when he saw the fingers—long, curved, thin, with curling black claws, similar to his dream. Face forward, It hid in the hanging clothes, naked, but large. 

The first word popping into Eren's head was _unhealthy_. It was well-muscled, but skinny enough to cause worry. The hairs stood up on every inch of his body. He was staring at the creature that had scratched Armin's feet, clicked at him, and made him dream of horrors. 

"W-W-What are y-you?" He was close to pissing his pants, he was so unnerved. The Thing was real and in the flesh, crouched naked in his closet, nails digging in Its white skin. At his question, the Thing flicked Its head to the side, but Eren still couldn't see the face. He desperately wanted to know if It remained eye-less or even had Bertoldt's eyes. He didn't know which he preferred.

"I protect them." It hissed, a guttural clicking that triggered the ‘fight or flight’ instinct inside him. Eren had to grip the door frame to keep from running away. "I’m the one who listens to Armin when he reads aloud. I’m the one who comforts him when his dreams are dark. I’m the one you will obey. And you _will leave this place_." 

What? It... protected Armin? What the fuck was going on? 

"No, wait, I don't understand." The Thing curled in further, shuffling away when Eren took a step forward, "What are you? And why are you here? Why did you want me to let you out when I already s-saw you on the porch?" He recognized the Thing now. It had been him on the porch. Was It even a he? Judging by the anatomy, the creature was indeed male. How was that even possible? 

The creature twitched, shifting Its weight. Eren could tell It was annoyed and took a slow step backwards. 

"You know what I am." It answered, but the noises out of Its mouth weren't only human. Mixing in with the english were the sounds of wind chimes, bells, and pots.

"Please," Eren begged after another few moments of silence. "Answer my questions. I'm scared for Armin." 

"Then leave!" It snapped, tugging on Its long black hair. "You endangered him." 

"M-Me?" Eren shook and sat on the floor, knees weak. "What did I do? I don't understand. What are the Things I've been dreaming of?" 

It tsked at him. The action was so human, Eren flinched and grabbed the fabric over his shuttering heart. 

"Yes you," Its voice was deep, hypnotizing. "I had it under control, then you showed up." It clawed at the floor, upset, clicking, "You brought more." 

"More? More of what!" 

"I cannot say!" It almost yelled, but quickly quieted, still racking lines of splintered wood in the floor, "They come when called." 

Sitting on the floor out of his mind with confusion, fear, and questions, Eren smacked his palm against the doorframe. 

"I don't know what to do!" Eren hissed back, "Two days ago none of this was real and now you're telling me Armin is in danger because of me?" 

"He is," The Thing whispered, "So you must leave." 

Eren made a noise akin to a wounded animal, "I can't. I'm stuck here for nearly four months." 

This time, It growled. Eren fell backwards in fear, catching himself by his still sore elbow. 

For five minutes, they sat in silence. Eren rocked on his tail bone, hands in his hair. He was so close to the edge of insanity, he could practically see it. And if he jumped, he wouldn't come back out the same. Or at all. 

"Why Armin? And how did I bring more?" He had never seen the creatures in his dreams before in his life. He assumed his imagination had taken a sinister turn and produced something so terrifying it couldn't be real. But the Thing in his closet was telling him otherwise. 

"You cannot see them," It explained, thinly veiled anger almost tangible. "But they feed off of depression and negative energy." Eren's breath hitched, "And once they have destroyed you mentally, they take your eyes." 

Eren shivered and exhaled slowly, pressing his hands over his eyes. How could this be real? Perhaps it was another dream. 

"They cast you into darkness and eat away everything, until you're nothing but a shell." Malice, disgust, and anger tinted the Thing's voice. 

"But... Armin isn't... I mean, he's happy, right?" 

Its laughter was musical, like violin strings and deep cellos echoing in a orchestra. Instead of being creepy, it was pleasant to his ears, even with the lack of humor in the tone. Eren shivered at the contrast.

"Is anyone truly happy?" It stopped digging in the floor and wrapped Its arms back around Itself. "No; he is lonely, sad, slowly drowning in the darkness. I cannot protect him alone anymore, because of you." 

Guilt slammed in Eren's gut. He had no idea his own depression could kill someone else. He felt his eyes blur and wet with tears. 

"W-Where do they come from?" His voice cracked, sad, ashamed. The Thing shifted again and nearly turned Its head at his question. 

"Hell," It whispered and a cold breeze from the window ruffled Eren's hair. He only just held back a violent shudder. "I will say no more. They come when called." 

"Okay..." Eren felt his heart slow down, finally. He tried to even out his breathing to match the creature's: slow, even, and calm. "Do... Do you have a name?" 

It perked up, nails scratching down It's sides and ribs. 

"You know what I am." 

"No, I mean a name. Not what you are." Eren rephrased, feeling bolder now that the creature didn't seem like It'd hurt him. "I'm Eren." 

"Then I am Levi." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: invisible power
> 
> Wow, can I just say how amazing all of you are? 60+ comments just for ch 2. And a few said something about fanart already and I'm slowly dying inside, I love you all! Thanks for everything, seriously, I absolutely wouldn't have so much fun in this without you! 
> 
> Also: do not attempt the game Chubby Bunny, it's actually incredibly stupid. It's basically stuffing as many marshmallows in your mouth as you can. A couple of my guy friends tried and nearly suffocated (idiots). It seemed appropriate for Sasha and Connie though. lol
> 
> And to really get an idea to what the 'clicking and chattering' of the creatures sounds like, watch the movie 'Signs'. The aliens communicate in a series of clicks and noises instead of words. Truly creepy, so I had to add it in.


	4. audi, vidi, tace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I need to add more warnings in the tags, please tell me.

Bertoldt locked his door and blocked the closet, listening. The scratching began a month ago and he was slowly deteriorating. 

In the beginning, he had written off the noises as his imagination. After all, they had lived in the beach house for generations, so the place was bound to creak and groan. Instead of over-thinking everything like always, he went on with his life. Standing in the shadows of his friends, attempted to keep his A's straight, trying not to let his friends know just how much it hurt to be left out of  _another_  gathering. 

The first time Reiner had forgotten to invite him out with everybody, his best friend had apologized profusely. 

"I'm so sorry!" The blond stood on his porch, Annie behind him, who looked just as guilty. "You're always with us, that I didn't even think you wouldn't come!" 

"It's alright," He lied, smiling, sweating because he knew Annie could always detect his bullshit. "I had homework to do." 

They went to get shaved ice down at the nearby shack and spent the day in the sand. Bertoldt pretended he was okay, for their sake's.  

The second time, he sat in his window seat overlooking the sea. He watched his friends down the beach, laughing and playing volleyball. Yet, deep inside, he preferred being miserable. He wanted them to realize he wasn't there, to come get him, just so he could refuse. In the back of his mind, he could hear a voice whisper those aren't healthy thoughts; he should just join them and forgive. But he didn't want to forgive. He found he liked the quiet, being alone, where there was no one to disappoint or forget him. 

The third time, the scratching began. 

His friends had gone to a drive-in movie together, forgetting him, ignoring his presence behind them as they talked about the film during school. His grades dropped, his motivation for trying disappeared, and his friendships faded like they'd never been there in the first place. He sat through long lectures from his parents about his slipping grades and tried not to let them hear him cry at night.

Bitter, angry, depressed, and close to giving up, Bertoldt sat awake in his bed. What if he just left? Would his friends care? They probably wouldn't even remember him. Would his parents even notice? Did he even want them to? 

The noises steadily grew louder until they were too close to ignore. Bertoldt sat up in bed, blinking back his tears, his fears. The scratching seemed to come from the left, near his closet. Maybe they had pests. The house was old, so it was probably harboring plenty of small rodents. He went to bed, and the nightmares were slightly different from usual. 

He dreamt of far away people. They would ignore him, waiting for him to beg for attention. At first, he didn't register the fact that the people were thin, pale, naked, and refusing to show their faces. And he'd be stuck in a dark room, watching them, until he woke up sweating and crying. 

Annie was the first one to notice the shift in his attitude. 

"What's wrong?" She asked, her voice monotone, but Bertoldt knew she was concerned. His heart ached, but his mind reminded him of the times she too had ignored him. 

So he didn't answer. 

Two weeks in, the scratching turned to wailing, like the wind pounding on the windows during a storm. Except the night was peaceful and quiet. He avoided his closet, upset, shaking, and out of his mind with fear. 

A month later and the people in his dream turned around. 

Ghostly pale, lips gone, teeth in an ever-present grin. But... their eyes... they were his. The same shape, shade, and look of pain. He tried to open his mouth to scream, but they were sown shut, red stitches gluing them together. Bertoldt raised his hands to cover his face and gasped through the stitches when he felt his eyes missing. 

He woke up screaming, clawing at his face, kicking wildly, ignoring how his parent's tried to calm him down. 

He skipped school, ignored Reiner's calls and pounds on his door. He barricaded his closet with a dresser and refused meals. The dream had been so real. The Things had almost touched him, crawling up his feet, to his ankles, so he lashed out. Periodically, he pressed a hand to his mouth and eyes, fearing the worst. But every time, he felt the chill of the grins. 

Drowning, decaying, crumbling, Bertoldt gave up. He sobbed in his bed, hands over his eyes, will to live gone. 

"Just do it, already!" He yelled at his closet, "Get it over with! I'm—I'm so tired... so tired..." He trailed off and froze when he heard the telling creak of a door opening. Dragging feet. Harsh breathing. Guttural moans and chatter. The air turned to ice and Bertoldt felt claws dig into his skin.

That night, he lost his eyes. 

-

Toes in the sand, the water clawing at his ankles, everything was silent. He turned to watch the third floor, finding a man standing on the edge. A rope around his neck, hands tied. Blond hair shaved, blue eyes flooding, refusing to look to the man begging for his release. Eyeless creatures pushed him. The rope pulled, relentless, a tool of violence. Neck broken, feet twitching, his murderers grinning. 

Eren watched the man on the balcony scream in silent agony. 

-

When Eren woke up, his neck was sore. He immediately scrambled to his feet with a hand on his aching neck. He had fallen asleep on the floor, the closet open and yawning in the early morning. 

"Levi?" He tried, but there was no answer. 

He dared to move the clothes blocking the hidden door, but the entrance was gone. Along with its monster. 

Did he seriously imagine all of it? Did his dreams betray him again? Eren look to his feet, but he still had his shoes on. He quickly took them off, looking for similar red scratches, to match Armin's, but his skin was clear, healthy. 

The bedroom door creaked open. 

"Oh, you're awake." Armin looked surprised, but happy. 

"Yeah, t-thought I'd uh, go for a run." He lied, pulling his shoes back on like that'd be his previous plan. Armin looked satisfied, but confused. 

"I didn't know you ran." 

"I don't." 

"Um, okay. Well, I was just checking in on you. Last night I heard you making some weird noises, so..." He turned away, blushing, tapping a finger on the doorframe. "Anyway, sorry, didn't mean to pry. Enjoy your run." 

"Wait, Armin!" Eren didn't bother tying his shoes and grabbed his best friend. "How'd you sleep?" 

The blond thought for a moment, "Alright, I guess." 

Eren let out a breath, looking to his feet. They were still red, but not any worse. 

"Good, that's good." Did the Things perhaps disappear for a night because he had let Levi out? How'd he get locked away in the first place?

"Did... Did you maybe want to meet for lunch? I'm sure Grandfather wouldn't mind lending you the car." Armin looked so unsure; Eren felt a stab in his chest. The imaginary knife twisted when his best friend quickly shook his head, "Never mind, you'll probably be tired."

"No, wait, I'd love to." Eren paused and looked over his shoulder to his bedroom. "Um, actually, would you mind if I went to work with you? I wanted to find maybe a few books."

Armin immediately brightened, "Really? Sure!"

Eren quickly changed and brushed his teeth, before running out of the house to jump in the car with Armin. The entire trip, Armin smiled and joked about his coworkers. Happy that Armin was opening up more, Eren put his heart in their conversation. What Levi had accused him of had really hit him hard and he absolutely wouldn't let Armin fall with him. 

"Well, this is it." Armin pointed to the corner shop and Eren blinked.

The bookshop was pushed to the edge of the sidewalk, nearest the traffic lights and across from a coffee shop. The outside was painted white and yellow; the open windows piled high with books and posters. All in all, it was incredibly small.

"Try to hold in your applause," His best friend started, turning off the car. "I know, it's pretty small. But everyone is nice and it's only four hours a day." 

Eren nodded, "As long as you enjoy it, I can't judge." 

"Thanks." Armin blushed, "I'm actually pretty proud to work here." 

The inside was even smaller, the ceiling nearly brushing Eren's head. He didn't know if that was a violation or not, but chose to keep quiet. In the early morning hours, it was just the two of them, Armin organizing and pushing Eren to the Fantasy section.

"So... what's the special interest in the supernatural all the sudden?" Armin asked, fixing a shelf a section over.

"Um," Eren didn't know if should tell him the truth. Would that put him in more danger? Maybe if he could find Levi again, he'd ask. "Nothing, really. I've always liked it."

His best friend didn't call out his lie, knowing for a fact that Eren didn't even like reading, but nodded.

"Okay, cool. Crap, I forgot to flip the open sign, be right back." Armin left in a hurry, opening the door which twinkled and quickly flipped the sign.

The books were mostly old and sprinkled with sand from the beach goers. Eren trailed a finger across the spines, finding nothing helpful. Most were fiction novels or comics. For an hour, he searched for anything helpful. Only when he crouched to a deep corner did he find anything. 

Heavy, thick, and bound in red leather, the book carried the most dust, piled in the back. On his knees, Eren reached for the tome and sneezed twice at the rising cloud of dirt. Wiping his nose, he looked over the spine. The title was so worn, Eren couldn't make out anything on the cover. Even inside, the title page was missing, ripped out. 

Curiosity peaked, Eren thumbed through the yellow, musty pages. Illustrations decorated nearly every page, terrifying images of men, women, demons, and other creatures screaming or dead. Many times, he'd find a gruesome picture and the paragraph explaining the identity of the creature was ripped or scratched out. Thoroughly disturbed, Eren skipped quite a few pages until something in his gut twisted. 

An illustration of thin, pale hands opening a door had him holding his breath. He imagined the monster in his closet, pushing open the door, fingers gripping the edges. The description was inked over, along with the name of the monster. The only words he could make out were  _eyes, death,_ and  _hell_. Feeling sick, Eren slowly put the book back and followed Armin closely for the rest of his short shift. 

-

Because Armin didn't have another early shift, Eren almost slept with him in his bed again. Trying to ignore Armin's hurt looks when they went to bed, Eren closed his door. He felt terrible. Armin just wanted a friend to stay up with, to talk to, to forget the crushing reality that was more than unkind to them. But he needed to talk to Levi. Now that he had time to process what had happened, he began to think clearly. 

Those monsters needed to be destroyed, locked away, or sent back to hell. But he had no fucking idea how to do that. And he couldn't bring Armin into it yet.

Eren took a quick shower, taking his time in dressing in sweats and brushing his teeth. Levi would have to be back by now. Where did he even go during the day? 

He spit, rinsed out his mouth, and slowly opened the bathroom door. The closet was open, like in the morning, but it was still noticeably empty despite the late hour. Eren closed the door and sat on the floor, watching for any movement in the crack underneath. 

Did he really want to see the monster again? If anything, Levi scared him. His skin matched the white shores, but his hair was so dark, the contrast hurt his eyes. Eren closed his eyes, holding onto the memory of the night before. 

Levi had been thin, his ribs visible, probably starving. Did he even need to eat though? He snorted when his mind conjured up an image of Levi trying to eat with a fork. His long fingers wouldn't know how to hold the cutlery, claws probably scratching the metal. But the image threw him back into the memories of the scratching. Levi's nails had completely ruined the floor, splintering the hard wood an inch deep. They could easily claw out his eyes, lungs, and _heart_. 

Unable to sit still anymore, Eren quietly opened his bedroom door and made his way down to the first floor. Everything was dark, the ocean flooding the shore breaking the midnight silence. Eren could see water from the kitchen windows as he brought out a package of bread. He'd eat something, wait a little longer for the monster, and then try to sleep. 

Cradling four peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a glass of milk, Eren padded back up to the third floor. He felt slightly ridiculous, but he hoped maybe Levi would eat something. 

The scratching was back the moment he sat down in front of the closet. Hastily, he put on his sneakers, bit into a sandwich and opened the door. 

In the same place as the previous night, Levi was sitting, pale knees to his chest, ankles crossed. He was drawing scribbles into the floor with his index finger, claw slicing the wood easily as if it were butter. He was rocking back and forth, alternating between clicking and growling. Swallowing, willing his heart to calm down, Eren took a small step inside. The monster paused, flicking his head to side to show he was paying attention. 

"Um," His mouth was incredibly dry, so he went back for his milk. He also pulled his plate inside with him, sitting and leaning on the doorframe. The monster did not move or breathe. "Hi." 

An answering, chattering click.

"S-Sorry," He didn't know why he was apologizing, but it seemed the safest route. "So... So it wasn't all a dream." 

He let out a breath when Levi continued his scribbling. Forgetting his food, Eren leaned forward.

"Armin's feet were better this morning." He tried, not sure how to start a conversation with the monster. Staring at the long hair flowing down It's bony back, Eren went on, "Did you, um, do anything?" 

"Yes." He answered, voice low, sending Eren's nerves and pulse in frenzy. Again, Levi's voice mixed in with copper pots and ringing bells. 

"Oh, good." Eren lounged back and accidentally put a hand in his food. He quickly sat up and wiped it on his pants. Levi ignored him, seemingly staring at the wall beside him. "Do you, um, want one?" 

He pointed to his food, but Levi wouldn't look at him. Eren took a drink of his milk, for something to do. 

"Do you want a sandwich?" He offered again, watching the monster closely. "It's PB&J." 

The monster shifted and tilted his head slightly so much that Eren could vaguely see a cheekbone and his ear. His ear looked completely human. Eren shivered despite himself and pushed his plate to Levi. Carefully, he held his breath, watching the creature stretch. Movements so eerie and shuttered, he had to look away. 

He heard a choking cough and guttural hiss. When he looked back at the plate, it was empty, flipped, and the sandwiches were scattered on the floor. 

"Disgusting." Levi snapped, cradling his knees closer, burrowing deeper into a corner and the hanging clothes. 

It took all of Eren's self control not to burst into laughter. 

"Okay, so PB&J is a no." He struggled to keep his tone even. 

"Silence." Levi hissed, sitting up straight, nails digging into the floor. Eren swallowed his giggles and watched in fear as Levi stood. He scrambled to his own feet. "Armin." 

A throaty scream tore through the house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: hear, see, be silent
> 
> Yoooo, 100+ kudos! Also, amazing fanart by [zipra](http://zipra.tumblr.com/post/79560319688/i-protect-them-it-hissed-a-guttural-clicking) and [KATastrofic222](http://katastroficwriter.tumblr.com/post/79633459967/a-sketch-of-augenfressers-first-chapter-i-didnt)! I really look forward to your comments, so don't hesitate to scream at me or ask questions. 
> 
> I've been asked a few times again for my tumblr, so here you go: [foxicology](http://foxicology.tumblr.com)


	5. brutum fulmen

Surrounded, enclosed, isolated. In a circle, the Things waited for him to give in, to succumb to the darkness. Throat tight, like something was squeezing the life out of him, Armin scratched. He scratched until he bled. He scratched until his nails came off, bloody, red, and alive. The Things distanced themselves as he screamed, kicked,  _survived_.

-

Eren fell on his face from tripping over his shoes, but quickly shot up. He didn't bother looking behind him for Levi, forgetting entirely about the monster. Armin was still screaming and he wouldn't be able to breathe until he was safe. 

He slammed the door open, ready to find whatever creature in Armin's bed, but he was alone. Armin was sitting up, scratching at his face and kicking his legs. Eren immediately ran to his side, hands hovering, completely out of his element. 

"Armin! Armin, please, calm down! I'm here, nothing is going to hurt you!" He fumbled, struggling to grab his best friend's flailing arms and legs, to restrain him. "Armin, it's Eren, s-stop, you're safe!" 

The blond stopped kicking, but continued to rub and scratch over his face. He was sobbing, hair sticking in all directions, shaking violently. Eren quickly climbed in his bed and wrapped his arms around him. 

"I'm sorry, I'm here. It's okay." Eren tried again, pulling Armin's hand away from his red cheeks. "You can see, you can breathe, and your mouth can open." He whispered, rubbing urgent circles on his back and wrist. 

"Eren, Armin, what happened?" Grandfather looked alert, but exhausted. He had a half tied robe over his striped pajamas, holding onto a flashlight. 

Eren just shook his head and continued to cradle his best friend. His heart was in shreds. Leaving Armin alone in the dark just to talk with the monster in his closet... He felt like the monster. Shame crashed over him like a wave, pulling him under until he could no longer breathe. Grandfather sat by Armin's feet, lifted the blankets to inspect his ankles, and rubbed the scratches. Eren vaguely registered the action. It was like Armin's grandfather knew what to do, where to find the visible wounds from the Things. 

For a long time, Armin sniffled and shivered, gripping onto Eren's shirt. Grandfather kept up a steady rhythm on his feet, rubbing and watching. 

"I-I-I-I couldn't open mmmy mouth." Armin stuttered, eyes still spilling tears. "My eyes w-were gone!" He yelled, but his voice cracked, throat raw from screaming. "I was s-so scared!" 

Holding on tighter, Eren pressed his lips to Armin's temple. Mikasa used to comfort him with forehead kisses and songs, but he didn't know any music that would help. And if he were in Armin's position, the music probably wouldn't even faze him. So he simply kept kissing his forehead, rubbing his back, and reassuring him of his presence. 

"He needs to eat." Grandfather spoke up after a minute. "I'll be right back." He turned on the bedroom lights and Eren caught the edge of a pale foot and hand on Armin's closet door. His heart rate spiked before he remembered there was at least one good monster in the house. Levi had told him the Things were invisible. He relaxed after a minute, feeling safer now that Levi was watching. 

Armin was rocking back and forth in his arms, mumbling quietly until Eren brushed a hand down his head and gave him one last kiss. Slowly, Armin stopped crying and only held onto Eren. 

Grandfather came back with a PB&J, smiling at Eren's confused face. 

"You left everything out," He explained and gave him a wink when Eren flushed. "Armin, you need to eat. Can you do that? Open your mouth, you can do it." 

The blond shuddered, so Eren held onto the plate. It took five minutes to coax Armin into opening his mouth, but he only managed a small nibble. After the first bite, the color returned to his face, replacing the angry red with a healthy pink. 

"M-My lips..." Armin whispered and touched his mouth, searching for the red stitches. Eren brought his hand back down, lacing their fingers together.

"It's okay," He repeated, "It... It was just a dream. It wasn't real." 

He looked to the closet for a second before switched to meet Grandfather's eyes. They were sad, but knowing. He nodded to Eren before looking to Armin. 

"Eat all of it," Grandfather said, rubbing his feet again. "I'll get you something to drink." 

Eren wanted to yell at his back, to demand answers, but he didn't want to leave Armin's side. His best friend was practically in his lap, still shaking and eating bird-sized bites. 

"Armin," Eren hummed low in his chest, hoping his soft tone soothed him. "Armin, it's alright. You're safe. We'll protect you." He flicked his gaze to the closet, a pale hand retracting from view. Swallowing his fear, Eren continued, "Just finish your sandwich. I'll stay for the rest of the night." 

His best friend nodded, sniffing. His nose was running, but he didn't pay it any mind. 

Waiting for Grandfather to come back, Eren coaxed Armin into taking larger bites until half of the PB&J was gone. He tried to keep from looking to the closet, keeping his attention only on Armin. 

"Feel better?" He asked, to break the silence. 

"A-A little." Armin admitted, taking a deep breath. "Sorry... sorry for freaking out. It was just s-so real."

"Don't apologize," Eren said, upset Armin even thought he had to. "Nightmares are terrible. If you ever need me, tell me."

After a long moment, Armin nodded and relaxed further into his embrace. 

"Here," Grandfather came back, a glass of water in one hand, a book in the other. "I'll email work, let them know you need a day. Drink it all, Armin."

"What's that?" Armin pointed to the old book, but Grandfather pulled it out of sight. 

"Nothing, just drink up. Stay with him, Eren?" 

Suspicious, but more tired and worried, Eren nodded. Grandfather shot him a grateful look and turned to the door. 

"I'll email them now. Try and sleep after you finish, Armin." And he left, walking down three flights of steps. 

Eren made sure Armin finished his drink and sandwich before standing to turn off the lights. 

"Wait!" Armin yelled and Eren froze, halfway out of the bed. "Leave them on. Please, I hate darkness." 

"Okay," Eren let himself be pulled back into the sheets, Armin curling around him like a scared child. Despite not being about to sleep with a light on, Eren closed his eyes. "Sweet dreams." 

Armin smiled in his chest and hummed his own well wishes. 

-

"Eren, wake up." Armin jostled his shoulder, so Eren yawned widely and sat up. "It's one in the afternoon."

Armin looked better, but still hesitant. He didn't touch Eren for long, moving away when he nodded. 

"Grandfather made lunch," He went on, avoiding eye contact. "I-If you want it."

"Of course," Eren made sure to keep his tone light and happy, set on avoiding the awkward aftermath of nightmares. "Nice bed head, Arm." He ruffled Armin's hair, worsening it and laughing when Armin smacked his hand away playfully. 

"I could say the same thing to you," Armin tried to reach Eren's head, but he swiftly moved out of the way and out of the bed. "You look like a troll." 

Eren put a hand over his heart, "You just insulted trolls everywhere!" 

Finally, Armin broke out a smile and laughed. "You realized you just further insulted yourself?" 

Messing up his blond hair again, Eren stuck out his tongue. "Race you downstairs." 

"You're on!" 

They scrambled to the door, throwing more soft insults and pushes. Eren generously let Armin win, but he was out of the breath. Maybe he should take up running. 

"Afternoon boys," Grandfather said, looking between the puffing and red-faced teens. "Nice of you to join the living." 

Eren laughed nervously, thinking of the monster in his closet. Was Levi even technically alive? 

"Thanks," Armin passed Eren a plate, sarcasm dripping, "Good morning." 

Grandfather smiled crookedly, flipping over a grilled cheese on the stove. 

"How are you feeling?" He asked and Armin drooped noticeably. His cheeks warmed and Eren stepped closer to him for support. 

"I'm fine." Armin insisted and held up his plate, watching the brown sandwich slide from the spatula. "And sorry."

"Nonsense, everybody gets nightmares. You haven't had some for quite a while though." Grandfather mused, putting in another grilled cheese for Eren. "Anyway, what do you boys think about a trip to the grocery? You've cleaned me out, for the most part." 

Armin shrugged while Eren said nothing. He'd give anything to get out of the house, all three of them. Maybe he could fine something Levi would be able to eat, as a thank you for protecting Armin. And even though he wanted to talk to the creature, he couldn't. He needed to stay by Armin for now. 

"We'll leave whenever you're ready." Grandfather put the finished sandwich on Eren's plate and tossed him a wink. "You both could use a hairbrush." 

"Hey!" Armin yelled around his sandwich, "Uncalled for! You're bald!" 

Grandfather held out his spatula threateningly, "Watch it, I control your seconds." Armin laughed in between bites. 

"This is really good," Eren said, to diffuse their playful spat, amused. "Thank you." 

"Of course." 

Armin took Eren by the wrist, "Come on let's eat on the porch. It's really nice out." 

They opened the front door, the wind blasting their hair back for a moment before settling. Armin sat on the steps, Eren following, sitting hip-to-hip. Happy, Armin ate his sandwich within a minute. Eren inhaled his, having forgotten about his PB&Js when Levi started talking. He should probably clean those up. 

"What's on your mind?" Armin said, bringing Eren back down to earth. He was leaning on the stair rails, eyes open and curious. 

"Peanut butter and jelly." He immediately said, not one to lie. He could never come up with one, in the span of a second. Armin was the quick thinker while he was the slow one. 

"Really?" Armin raised a brow, before snorting. "That's so random." 

Eren shrugged, "Yeah, it is."

"Anything else?"

"Not much," He avoided the subject, thinking of Levi and how bad of an idea it would be to tell Armin about him. "What about you?" 

"Oh, um," His best friend turned away, face dusting pink again. "Well, I was just thinking about how lucky... how lucky I am. To have you. As a friend." He stuttered his sentence, halting unevenly. Eren couldn't hold back his grin. 

"Aw, thanks Arm." Throwing an arm around his shoulders, Eren brought him closer. "Same for you," His voice grew serious, because letting Armin know was important. It might spare him haunting dreams and thoughts. "I'm incredibly grateful, Armin. You're my best friend and I love you."

Smacking their knees together in embarrassment, Armin blushed brighter. 

"T-Thanks." 

The front door opened behind them. 

"I want to leave soon," Grandfather peeked out, smiling at their closeness, "So take your showers, shave, whatever you youths do." 

Armin laughed, "Okay, okay, will do." 

Eren stood, bringing Armin with him. They held hands all the way to the third floor until they parted to clean up. 

"See you in a few." Eren promised and watched until Armin's door close before turning to his own. 

Upon closing the door, he made his way to the closet. He opened the door, half-expecting Levi to be crouching in the clothes, but he was gone. Just like the previous morning, the hidden door was missing and so was its monster. 

"Oh!" Eren gasped softly, "He... cleaned it up." 

The sandwiches were gone, along with the plate. There wasn't a crumb or brush of peanut butter on the floor. The scratches had vanished too. 

"How... thoughtful." 

-

The grocery trip was short lived because Grandfather grew tired and Armin drove home. Putting him to bed early with a small dinner of ramen noodles (Eren's cooking ability was limited and Armin's was non-existent), they shut his bedroom door. Armin let out a silent giggle-snort behind his hand. 

"He's so mad at himself," He explained to Eren's confused look, "He's missed you and he can't really keep me company long. His body is just too tired." 

"Oh, that's not good." Eren stated the obvious, but he didn't know what else to say. He couldn't imagine. 

"Yeah, so he beats himself up about it. I try to spend time with him, but he's just..." Armin threw his arms up, "So adamant I hang out with everybody else and get out of the house." 

When Armin finished his sentence, Eren remembered what Grandfather had done. So maybe he did know about the monsters, trying to keep Armin happy and out of the house. He had rubbed over his scratches. How had he known about them, if not somehow knowledgeable about the Things? 

"So," Armin broke the silence, rocking back and forth on his heels, "Um, bed?" 

"Yep, I'll crash with you if you don't mind." Eren felt a wave of fondness invade his chest and curl down to his toes. Armin was so obvious. 

Smiling sleepily, despite snoozing away most of the day, Armin led the way to bed. Eren stopped in his room to change and brush his teeth, careful to not look at the closet lest he changed his mind. When he finished, he paused at the door. 

"Thanks, Levi." He whispered before leaving and entering Armin's room. 

Armin yanked his shirt down, and huffed, blowing his bangs out of his eyes. "Ever heard of knocking?" 

"Whoops," Eren smiled and hopped on his bed, bouncing. "Must have picked up Mikasa's habit. You know she almost caught me jerking off once?"

Scrunching up his nose in disgust, Armin went into his bathroom. "Ew, Eren. I didn't need to know that." 

Laughing, Eren curled into the blankets. "You embarrass so easily." 

Armin peeked his head out from the bathroom, "Only because you're so oblivious, goodness gracious. Do you not realize that the world can see you?" 

Stomach churning, Eren sat up, reminded of the invisible monsters. He could only hope Levi would protect them again tonight. He had to try his hardest to stay positive, to keep Armin smiling. 

"Not really." He mumbled, "Hey Armin, do you have anyone you like?" 

A coughing spit. 

"W-What?" Armin looked at his best friend, blushing again. "I really don't understand you. We went from your tendency to have no brain-to-mouth filter to crushes?" 

He was stalling. 

Pushing away the monsters and everything supernatural in his mind, Eren explained. "You're cute, trying to change the subject. Do you?" 

Armin disappeared back in the bathroom, spit, rinsed out his mouth and turned off the lights. He came to bed, shuffling his feet, avoiding Eren's eyes again. He was failing to keep back a smile. 

"Kind of. But it's stupid," He insisted when Eren smirked, "There's no way she'd like me." 

"Anybody I know?"

Silence.

"I'll take that as a yes." Armin smacked him with a pillow. "Hey, don't start something you can't finish." He threatened, yanking the pillow away. "So... who is it?" 

The blond slumped, "You'll laugh at me." He whined, feebly trying to rescue his pillow.

"If I promise not to laugh, will you tell me?"

Armin pursed his lips, eyes distrustful. "You act before you think. You'll laugh despite promising." 

Eren huffed, "Geez, fine, I'll just guess." He let Armin get the pillow, eyes automatically gluing to his closet. Distracted, he wondered if Levi was in there. Was he bored with their talk of crushes? Did he think they were idiots, while he stood watch? Self-conscious, Eren looked away and laid down. "Annie?" 

At his short gasp, Eren knew he had guessed correctly. 

"Is... Is it that obvious?" 

Uncomfortable, Eren shifted, watching Armin lay down next to him and yawn. 

"No," He lied, before having a small inkling. "Not really." 

Armin pouted, "Your nose twitches when you lie." 

"Okay, maybe a little. But I'm positive she doesn't know." Eren assured and held in his yawn, eyes watering. He was wide-awake though, dying to open the closet and tell Levi to stop listening to their stupid conversation. 

"You think so?" His voice was small, soft, and full of exhaustion. 

"Yes, Armin, I think so." He tucked Armin under the blankets, "I'm going to turn off the lights, okay?" 

"M'kay." He mumbled, already falling asleep.

Laughing quietly, Eren turned off the light and shot back into bed. He still didn't like the dark. 

For an hour, Eren laid in the bed, watching Armin's breathing even and slow. He snored softly, adorably, and just enough to keep Eren on the edge of awareness. He had forgotten how hard it was to sleep next to his best friend, if he wasn't already tired. 

He sat up carefully, looking to his closet. The door was closed, but Eren could feel another presence. Levi was beyond that door, probably hiding in the hanging clothes, keeping watch. Should he talk to him? But what if he was just a distraction? Eren turned to look at Armin's peaceful face. He needed to know more, to protect him. He couldn't fight off invisible monsters alone. 

Feet padding on the wood softly, he made his way to the closet. He listened for the usual scratching, but there was none. Maybe he was imagining the feeling that Levi was there. Didn't he always scratch? 

Swallowing his fear and rational thoughts to maybe not disturb the creature, Eren turned the doorknob. The creak and whine of the hinges seemed louder than they actually were. Tossing a look to Armin, who was still sound asleep, Eren opened the door wider. 

A pale, clawed foot was visible from behind a suitcase, through a curtain of sleeves. 

"Levi?" He tested and the foot shifted, but didn't move from sight. "It is you, right?" 

An annoyed click and quick scrape across the floor. 

"Okay, yeah, definitely you." He inhaled and held his breath, closing the door behind him as much as he dared. Courage waning, he sat with his back to the bedroom, ready to flee. "Um, I'm not sure if you heard me earlier, but thank you." 

The foot moved and disappeared. Replacing it was a hand, an arm, a body in motion. He slid from his hiding place, broad shoulders almost too big for the tiny closet. Levi hunched over his knees, still keeping his face hidden. 

"How did you know the other night that Armin was in trouble?" He whispered, pulling his knees closer. "You knew before he screamed." 

He was answered with silence. 

"Okay... I need to know... can I tell Armin about you? Or his grandfather?"

Levi hissed and Eren flinched away, "No." 

"Why not? Does them knowing put them in further danger? Maybe it could save them!" He said in hushed tones, careful his volume. 

Angry, Levi splintered the wood underneath his fingers, dragging four straight lines down the wood. Eren stopped breathing all together. 

"Say nothing," The monster snapped, "You will obey me."

Eren smacked the flesh of his palm on the floor, "Would it kill you to be civil? Stop threatening me, frankly they're empty and annoying." 

A dangerous chatter and guttural growl sent a shard of ice down his back. But within a moment, the pain was gone, the ice melted. 

"Go to bed," The monster shifted on its feet, wiggling further away, fingers curling around his waist. Eren shivered at the sight. "Comfort Armin." 

"Wait, what do you mean comfort him?" 

The monster hunched further over, spine pressing against his skin. Eren could count each knob and an invisible hand seemed to grip him guts and twist. Something was off. 

"Comfort him. Hold him. I cannot." It sounded melancholy, voice distant and ringing. 

Only when Eren was wrapped around a snoring, warm Armin in bed did he realize what was so strange. The monster had more vertebrae than was human. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: harmless thunderbolt
> 
> 150+ kudos. Holy shit guys. I love you so much. Also, [nagisa-chan-san](http://nagisa-chan-san.tumblr.com/post/79944928740/gib-mir-deine-augen-ich-will-die-fressen-so) did some fanart and I screamed so loud, it's very creepy! A++ love.  
> I know this all seems confusing so far, with Grandfather apparently knowing about the monsters and everything, but I promise, I will explain. I've left hints and a trail of breadcrumbs, if you think you can guess. ;) Most of the horror is over until way later on in the explanation and towards the end. Remember, this is a psychological thriller mostly. 
> 
> tracking: #fic: augenfresser and #augenfresser


	6. aut neca aut necare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short-ish food for thought chapter

He dreamt of slow kisses, innocent touches, and effervescent love.

In his core, he knew he had found the one. The man he'd love for eternity, no matter the circumstance. But the man didn't feel the same, standing on the edge of the balcony, tears welling in his blue eyes. The man blocked out his pleas, his screams to come down, to take the rope off his neck, to  _not do this please, I love you, it'll get better, I'm here_. 

A hollow snap.

-

Eren woke crying. 

His chest ached, empty and ringing to be filled by anything, anyone, _it hurt so much_. The loss was keen, longing for the man he loved or thought he loved. Wait, were those even his thoughts? Eren wasn't in love. He didn't even know what love was. 

But he couldn't stop crying. The tears kept on coming, not matter how much he blinked or rubbed his eyes. He tried to keep in his sobs, the pain so real, so corporeal, making him shiver uncontrollably. 

For a long time, he laid in bed, watching the rise and fall of Armin's chest as he slept on to calm down. Who was that man? And why did it hurt so much to lose him? He had never felt such agony, such despair, such thick darkness in his heart, telling him to give up as well. His depression was back in full force, pulling him back into the corners of his mind to cage him. 

Eren sat up, chin wobbling and eyes red from the pain. The closet was still cracked open, but he couldn't focus on the shape. The tears blurred his vision so much that he felt like he imagined the pale hand digging into the wood. He had the urge to get out of bed, open the closet and beg Levi to end the pain. Eren closed his eyes, imagining Levi's fingers breaking open his ribs and pulling out his shredded heart. Maybe then it would stop. 

Armin stirred momentarily before shifting, hand reaching for Eren. He laid back down and moved close enough so his best friend could grip a handful of his shirt. The touch was comforting.

Seeing Armin relaxed and at peace helped settle his mind and heart. But his soul felt torn into pieces, scattered, and following the rhythm of the tide. In and out, crashing upon the gritty sand, pulling back with enough force to steal his breath. 

"It's the middle of the afternoon," Grandfather interrupted the silence, drawing Eren's attention. He opened the bedroom door wider, smiling slightly at their closeness. "And I made brownies." 

"Armin, get up, he made brownies!" Eren shouted, pushing his best friend away and out of bed, "Come on!" He spoke over the left over now numbed pain in his chest. Maybe if he ignored the painful feelings they would go away. "Fine, stay in bed, just don't complain when I eat them all." 

The blond groaned into the bed, halfway on the floor, holding the sheets to keep his balance. 

"You're a terrible person," Armin said, voice almost muffled from his pillow, "Don't you dare, Eren Jaeger."

Eren laughed and dashed past the closet, his courage leaving him to look for Levi. It didn't feel like the right time anyway. Levi would probably ignore him again. Grandfather opened the door all the way and walked to the window, opening the blinds. The sun hit Armin in the face, bright enough that he swore. 

"Language," Grandfather laughed anyway, "And you have work today, Armin. You have a four o' clock shift." 

More groaning. 

Sharing a look with Grandfather, they both grabbed an ankle and dragged Armin fully onto the floor. Yelling and pulling the blankets with him, Armin cushioned his fall. 

"See you downstairs, Arm." Eren called over his shoulder, planning on running to the kitchen. "I can't promise I'll save you any." 

"Wait!" Armin was struggling to untangle his arms from the blankets, flailing and refusing help from his grandfather. "Save at least one!" 

Eren pretended he couldn't hear him and ran downstairs, following his nose to the sweets. He was in the middle of his third when Armin dropped off the last step, bed-head ridiculous and adorable. Eren swallowed his brownie and looked away, his chest hurting again. He hadn't dreamt of Armin, had he? But... why would he dream that Armin committed suicide? 

"Oh my god, you pig," Armin pulled away the plate of brownies forcibly, "They're half gone!" 

Smiling sheepishly, he pretended he was okay and a bit ashamed. He wasn't sorry at all, the dessert was way too good. 

"I made lunch," Grandfather made it down the stairs finally, walking slowly into the kitchen. "And no, brownies are not a suitable meal. There's macaroni on the stove." 

Mouth watering, Eren dove to the stove. How was he so lucky to stay at his best friend's house on the beach and with such amazing food? 

"Eat quickly," Armin said, pulling bowls down from the cabinets. "Reiner wanted everybody to go to the beach today." 

"Oh, when did he say that?" Eren pulled his attention away from the food, grabbing a bowl. He dished out Armin's portion first, pushing away the thought of a rope around his neck. 

"He called me, but I just told him we'd meet up later." He accepted the bowl of noodles, "Thanks."

"Just remember," Grandfather cut in, "You have work at four." 

Armin's eye twitched, but he nodded anyway. 

-

Everybody was waiting on the shore in swim suits or wet suits for surfing. Plenty of frequent surfers were already testing the waves, the blue water glittering beautifully. Eren couldn't admire it like he knew he should. He had taken two pills instead of one, despite his father's strict instructions. He felt blissful and vaguely present beside Armin, brain calm.

This time, Ymir and Krista were there in place of Sasha and Connie. Eren accepted Krista's hug, bending so low to reach her he almost fell over. Ymir quickly pulled him away from her girlfriend and gave him a punch in the arm in greeting. 

"You not swimming, Eren?" Reiner jogged up to the group, surf board tucked under his arm. Annie was sitting in the sand, ignoring how close the waxed board was near her head. 

Eren pulled at his t-shirt and shorts, suddenly self-conscious. Should he have worn his trunks? Now he was just getting unwanted attention. 

"He's not feeling well," Armin cut in, "Maybe later though, I packed him a pair of trunks."

"You did?" Eren asked, surprised. He felt like he was ten again and Mikasa had packed him an extra pair like always. His heart ached for his sister at the memory. 

"They're in the car, if you want to change." 

"Go change!" Reiner insisted, sticking his board in the sand. Annie didn't remove her constantly present sunglasses, but Eren knew she had to be glaring. 

Eren didn't point out that Reiner had glossed over the fact that he wasn't feeling well, but nodded anyway. Maybe if he acted normal as possible, it would somehow happen. 

He changed in the car, hitting his head thrice on the dashboard and ceiling, blushing when he caught Reiner looking over. Flustered, annoyed, and ready to go home, Eren kicked up sand as he went to sit next to Annie and Armin. He paused halfway there, remembering Armin's confession, and promptly turned towards Ymir and Krista.

"We're surfing," Ymir said, pointing to her board down the beach, "I'm sure Reiner would like to swim with you." Her voice was suggestive and agitating. He left without a word, catching the tail-end of Krista telling Ymir to be nice. 

"Come on," Reiner waved him over, "You know how to surf?" 

"No," He answered, looking back to the ocean. He preferred to watch or swim with everybody than surf. "Never learned." 

Reiner pulled his board from the sand, "Dude, you're from California. You have to know how to surf. It's practically law."

He shrugged as a response, looking to Armin again. He and Annie were still talking, so he couldn't leave. 

"I'll teach you," Reiner suggested and turned without giving Eren a choice. "It's simple." 

Ushered into the waves, Reiner pushed Eren down onto the board. For half an hour, he coached and touched Eren so much, he couldn't think straight. It didn't helped he was drugged to the gills and shaking with the side-effects so much that he could barely hold on. Finally, out of sheer determination to get Reiner off his back and his hand off his butt, he stood, took a wave, and purposefully glided onto the sand. 

"I've got a headache," He told Reiner, who frowned, "I'm going to rest for a while." 

Despite not wanting to interrupt his friends, Eren couldn't handle another minute next to Reiner. He'd explode. 

"Hey guys." He said, sitting next to Armin, but far away enough to give them room. 

Armin's cheeks were pink, whether from the sun or his crush, Eren didn't know. Perhaps both. 

"Did you have fun surfing?" Armin asked, eyes clearly telling Eren to be cool. Annie didn't bother looking to him, but stared forward. Eren almost wanted to wave his hand in front of her face. 

"Yeah," He lied, digging his toes in the sand. "It was cool." 

Annie snorted, "You know Reiner is a shit teacher. He just wanted an excuse to touch you." 

Eren flushed while Armin sputtered. Eren didn't comment. Sure, he could appreciate Reiner aesthetically, but his personality just wasn't... a good fit. Besides, he always thought since they were kids, him and Bertoldt would be together. He resolutely held onto the thought, hoping despite Bertoldt's new disability, everything would eventually work out. 

The silence was awkward. Armin shifted on the beach towel he shared with Annie and sent Eren another look. 

"Pass me the water, Jaeger." Annie finally said, and Eren turned to the cooler next to everyone's bags. He hadn't noticed that before. He tossed her a bottle and belatedly realized she still wasn't looking. Armin gasped when the heavy bottle smacked her in the arm. 

"Eren!" Armin scolded him and dusted off the bottle. 

"Watch it," Annie snapped and rubbed her arm. "Warn a blind girl." 

Eren snapped his head back in shock. 

Annie was… blind? 

"What?" He asked, looking to Armin for answers, but he wasn't looking at him anymore. He handed the bottle to Annie carefully, quiet. "H-How?" 

She tipped her sunglasses for a moment, but the quick flash the lack in her skull was enough to make Eren gag.  

"I lost my eyes a few years ago." Her voice was empty, like her eye sockets. Skin crawling, Eren recalled what the monsters in his dreams were capable of. "Accident." 

"O-Oh," He stuttered. Should he ask? Was it too much of a stretch? But what were the odds she and Bertoldt lost their eyes to the monsters? "Do... Do you believe in monsters?" 

Armin looked at him like he was insane. Annie snapped her head to him. Her lips twitched. 

"Yes."

-

Armin was finally asleep in bed, snoring contently. Eren silently shot out of the bed, heart racing. The closet was closed now, but Eren would stake his life to say Levi was behind the wood. The effects of his medicine were draining out of his system, the heaviness in his chest no longer muted or dim. It was back in full force, bringing tears once again to his eyes. 

How did this happen? The dreams were the catalyst, pushing him off the balcony, breaking his neck. The emotions were so overwhelming, he felt like he was drowning from the inside. 

A soft scratching. 

Eren walked to the closet, swallowing and forcing himself to stay together. He had so many questions and tonight, he'd get some answers. The monster could threaten him all he wanted—he would not stop bothering him until he knew what to do. 

He turned the doorknob and took a step back, momentarily forgetting how terrifying the monster was. 

Levi did not turn around or pause in his scratching, nails slowly writing on the floor. His spine was defined, inhuman, chilling. His hair trailed down to the middle of his back, long, and shining in the dim moonlight. Eren took a deep breath and forced himself to look past the monster's eerie appearance. 

"Levi." His voice was firm, despite his insides feeling like mud. 

The monster ceased his drawing in the wood. A sign, Eren guessed, that he was paying attention. 

"I need answers." 

His answer was a subtle dip of a head. 

"Two of my friends have lost their eyes already," His voice cracked, but he pushed through anyway. "How can I stop Them? Is there any way they can get their eyes back?" 

Arms around his knees, hunching over, the monster hummed for a moment before shaking his head. 

"No. They cannot." 

His heart ached and he looked at his feet. "What are They?" 

"They come when called," Levi hissed, tensing, "And you cannot stop Them alone." 

Eren sat on the floor, closer to the monster than ever. A sharp flare of pain ripped through his sternum. 

"Can you write it down? What They are? You can spell, right?" Levi twitched, like he was annoyed with Eren's questions. 

"Yes," Levi answered, "But you will not understand." 

"What wont I understand?" Eren pressured, whispering as loud as he dared. He could still hear Armin's soft snores. 

"You will not understand." He repeated. 

"Yeah, I got that. But what exactly?" 

Levi growled, bells ringing almost violently in his tone. 

" _You will not understand_." 

Eren sighed, but nodded. 

"Okay, fine, I wont understand. But will you write it anyway?" 

For a long time, Levi didn't answer. He stayed still, claws puncturing the wood or his skin in fits. Eren tried his best to keep calm, to hold onto his limited patience, to not piss off the monster. 

Levi eventually nodded and wiped his pale hand down the wood. The previous holes disappeared, leaving the floor perfect and clean. Eren blinked rapidly, but didn't have the chance to admire the action. Levi was writing. 

**A U G E N F R E S S E R**

Eren nearly sounded out the words, but Levi slapped his hand over the letters, erasing the evidence. 

"Do not speak it." He hissed dangerously, "They come when called."

"But... that... what does it mean?" Eren asked, confused. He repeated the word over and over in his head, trying to pull apart syllables and match them up with anything he knew, but he drew a blank. The word didn't even sound english.

"I said you would not understand." Levi said, voice low, "It means eye-eater."

Like a punch to the gut, Eren clutched his shirt and tried to keep down his dinner. Eye-eater. What the _fuck_? Did the monsters truly eat them? Why? 

"Oh my god," Eren put a hand over his mouth, ready to puke. His mind betrayed him, conjuring images of Bertoldt's eyes sliding down a throat. Had that happened to Annie as well? "W-W-Why?!" 

"It is the end." Levi explained, sounding sad, ancient, tired. "You're left in the darkness, crawling like a beast, for They wish to consume your soul." 

Eren knew the saying 'eyes are the window to the soul', but to literally... take the eyes... He shivered and thought about how many times he blinked. He forced himself to keep his eyes open as long he could. 

"And you cannot stop Them alone." The monster went on, "You must leave." 

"I can't leave, I already told you." Eren felt exhausted, broken, forever changed by the place that was supposed to heal him. "And I wouldn't leave anyway. I'm not going to let Armin face them alone." 

Levi nodded, rumbling approvingly. 

"How can I stop Them?" Dizziness swarmed over him, but he needed to know what he could do, so ignored his body. Fighting back was in his nature. 

"You cannot stop Them alone." Levi repeated and Eren wanted to rip his hair out. 

"I know!" He snapped, but stopped, listening for Armin's snores. After a moment, he heard them and relaxed. 

"You cannot stop Them  _alone_." The monster sighed, the sound like the wind blowing through a small crack. Eren shivered again. 

"Yes, thank you for repeating that useful piece of information." 

" _Eren_." He snapped and Eren froze. The hair on his arms stood, heart knocking against his ribs, the pain growing. 

Scared, annoyed, and tired, Eren pushed his knees to his chest, chin to collarbones. That had been the first time the monster had said his name and the effect was incredibly unsettling. 

"You will fall should you choose to be alone."

"So... what should I do? How do I fight back?" 

The monster shifted, burying deeper into the closet, seeking shelter underneath the hanging clothes. 

"I cannot say." Like he was grinding his teeth, he shook his head, jaw tight. "For I do not remember."

"You don't... fucking remember?" Eren stood, ready to punch the monster in the back of the head. "Then what the hell am I supposed to do? How can I stop Them if I don't know a fucking thing about Them? They're invisible, invade dreams, and drive people insane. Perfect, just perfect. How do you fight something you can't see?" 

Levi stayed silent, claws inches deep into the wood. 

"How have you been protecting Armin then?" 

His voice was full of pain. 

"I offer myself in his place." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: kill lest you be killed
> 
> go look up what the word effervescent means on dictionary.com and laugh with me
> 
> Thank you so much for the feedback and words of encouragement! They really motivate me to keep going. And we finally learn more about Levi next chapter! (a lot of you are super close to guessing what he is) *throws confetti*


	7. ad oculos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a Levi filled chapter :)

Useless. He was absolutely useless. Here he was bitching about Levi's lack of knowledge when he himself could do nothing. Levi was the one sacrificing himself for a stranger, for a boy, for someone he owed nothing to. 

Eren felt like trash. He withdrew his aggressive stance, hands swinging boneless to his sides. The monster on the floor seemed smaller than usual. Broken, hurting, a willing martyr. And Eren felt his heart tug painfully, imagining the creature put through not only the tortures in his nightmares once, but every night. How long had Levi been protecting Armin? Weeks, months, years? 

He looked over the creature's body for any sign of torture, an injury, wounds, but he was spotless. The skin was white as snow, but the unhealthy glow was bright. He looked like a cadaver. Whatever Levi was, he obviously wasn't immortal. He'd die if this continued. 

"You..." Eren dropped to his knees, not even thinking of the pain or the chance of waking Armin. "You offer yourself in his place?" 

The monster buried its face deeper into its thick thighs and knees, hiding. He looked ashamed, frightened, like he expected Eren to strike him. 

"Are... are you okay?" Eren asked, reaching a hand to touch him, but Levi was still as a statue. Eren brought his hand back to his chest, wary to touch him. 

Levi did not answer. 

"Are you hurt anywhere? On your face? Is that why you won’t turn around?" 

Finally, Levi stirred, toes curling under his feet. The action was so innocent, so human, Eren sucked in a breath, desperate to know. 

"I will..." Levi began, but cut off, tone dry. There were no musical notes or vibrations this time. "Better me than Armin." 

"How can you say that?" Eren could relate, as he would also throw himself into harm's way if the action saved Armin. But if Levi was willing to hurt every night for him, he  _had_  to be someone worth saving too. "No one should suffer by the... Things. Much less suffer at all." 

The monster let out a quiet snort, laughing humorlessly. Eren flinched. 

"You do not know what I have done." Levi said, "I deserve it." 

"I don't believe you." Eren snapped back, hands trembling. "Levi, you're putting yourself in Armin's place, you're being tortured every night. How can you be so bad when all you've done is good?" 

Levi stayed silent, shifting as if he was considering Eren's words. He brought his pale fingers to his face, probably touching his eyelids. Eren longed to turn him around, to know what Levi was keeping from him. 

"It is my penance. This is justice, Eren." 

Swallowing back a growl, Eren rolled his eyes and turned to look at the hanging clothes. 

"Then justice is fucked up." 

Silence was his answer, but he could feel Levi's agreement in the air. Eren slowly turned back to look at the monster, watching Levi's hands curl back around his waist from his eyes. He looked thin and starving. Maybe if he stayed up with Levi during the night, the Augenfressers would stay away. For once, Eren was fine accepting his fluctuating insomnia. 

"You can eat right? I mean you tried my sandwiches." Eren broke the tense atmosphere. Levi nodded slowly. "Okay, I'm going to get you something to eat. I'll be right back." 

He unfolded his knees, joints popping sorely. Grunting, Eren tapped out of the closet as slow as he could. He looked back at Levi, who began to rock back and forth again. 

Armin was burrowed into the blankets, arm lying where Eren's body should have been. Invisible hands seemed to squeeze Eren's ribcage at the sight. He hastily made his way to the kitchen, in favor of ignoring how terrible of a best friend he was for leaving Armin alone again. 

The kitchen was clean, fridge humming over the far-off waves. Eren padded to the counters, spotting the plate of brownies. Everybody liked brownies. They had to be something Levi could eat, or at least tolerate. He grabbed the plate, eating one for himself for a boost of courage and patience to go back to the monster in his closet. 

As he walked back up three flights of stairs, Eren wondered what on earth Levi had done. How could a monster have a moral conscience in the first place? And why would Levi even care about Armin anyway? Eren held back a yip when he smashed his toe on the last step, inhaling sharply. The plate nearly fell from his hand and he had to bite his cheek to stop from swearing. Of course when he wanted to be quiet, he made as much noise as possible. 

He waited a moment, listening for any sign that he had woken up Grandfather or Armin, but the house was dead. Shivering, Eren kept going, happy he had chocolate in his stomach now.

Armin's bedroom door was just like he left it, along with the closet: wide open. The moon was still squaring on Levi's back. Eren glanced again at his best friend and promised he'd stay awake for him no matter how much his body groaned.

Eren sat in the closet, pulling the door to shield them should Armin wake. He placed the plate in front of him, grabbing another because he could.

"I brought brownies," He whispered and pushed the dessert forward. "Eat as many as you like."  

It was a peace offering to have the creature forget his faulty logic. Eren never could argue well, almost always falling into a shouting match instead.

He didn't notice Levi taking a brownie until he took another. Gently, the monster lifted the dessert off the plate, careful to not leave any crumbs. Eren didn't blame him. 

"Do you like them?" Eren chanced, hoping he did. He reached for his fourth brownie until he realized there were only three left. He'd let Levi have them. 

"Yes." 

Smiling—because how weird was this situation—Eren pushed the plate closer. 

"Good. You looked starved." 

Levi turned his body to the side, instead of facing away. His hair shielded most of his face, nose upwards, but his mouth was in plain view. It was normal, pale, lips almost pink. His jaw was unnervingly perfect and straight, ears rounded and small like a child's. Ice chipped and spread in Eren's stomach at the sight. Levi looked normal, like a sick and naked man, ordinary, aside from his long, lethal claws. 

"Why wont you show me your face?" Eren tried again, leaning forward. Levi immediately turned his head away, but his body remained. 

"You will be afraid."

Eren stuck out his chest, before thinking about the statement. He exhaled and slumped. 

"I'm already afraid." He admitted, voice smooth as if calming an upset child. "Please show me." 

The monster snorted, knees bending so his forearms could rest atop. 

"You do not know what you ask." Levi insisted. 

Mouth twitching, Eren clenched his jaw. Levi could be so  _irritating_. 

"Uh, I just want to see what you look like. It's not like you’re one of those Things." Levi didn't answer, but curled further in on himself. 

"My appearance will make you uncomfortable." Levi tried again, not outright refusing, so Eren kept up the pressure. 

"It kind of already does. I mean, you're naked and your claws aren't exactly cute." Eren tried for humor, but his voice came out as a squeak. Levi clenched his hands, hiding his claws from sight. "I can handle it... and I wont run or scream, I promise." 

"Do not make promises you don't intend to keep." The monster nearly growled, so Eren leaned back, hands up to pacify him. 

"But that's one I can," Eren was close to keeping the delicious brownies to himself. "Trust me."

The monster sighed, tense shoulders dropping minutely. Eren had to hold back his fist pump, knowing he had won. 

"Only once." Levi bargained. 

"Fine, once. But don't just whip your head really fast. Let me at least look properly." Eren shot back, knowing how adults usually argued. After a second, he blinked. Since when did he associate Levi with adults? 

"You will not wish to look long." Levi countered, voice chiming. He sighed again before slowly turning his head. 

Eren almost broke his promise. His small gasp was enough for Levi to look away, shrinking into himself. The monster pushed away the brownies, leaning deeper into the closet, but once Eren caught his breath, he reached for him. 

"Wait, I'm sorry, I was just shocked." Levi wasn't listening. He was burying himself in the hanging clothes, pushing shoes out of the way to hug the wall. "Please, Levi, I... I still want to look." His stomach flipped at his words. Honestly, he did and didn't, bordering on panic. Nothing made sense anymore. But the monster refused.

"You are scared of me." 

"No, not of you," Eren scooted closer, taking a risk. He put out a hand, but pulled it back when the limb just trembled. "I promise. Sorry, I just didn't expect, well... that." 

Levi didn't answer, but shifted. His toes dug into the wood. 

"Levi." Eren pushed and Levi relaxed again, but he kept to the wall. 

"Once more."

"Once more." Eren confirmed, bracing himself. 

Levi was a great and terrible beauty. His face was small, but attractive, almost feminine. His nose was human, rounded, and straight. His lips were pastel, bordering on too thin. 

But his eyes.

They were gone. 

Empty sockets, black and leading into a paralyzing abyss. Eren forced himself to memorize his face anyway, to the permanent frown and pursed lips; to the way the circles under his eyes gave his snow-white skin depth. He avoided the eyes. 

"Did, um, did They take them?" Eren breathed, voice barely audible. He was terrified to know the answer. Levi turned away, but as if a hook and line was stuck in Eren's stomach, it pulled with him. 

"Yes." His voice was gravelly, low, dangerous. 

"I'm so sorry." Eren murmured, looking to his hands. "Would... would it help if you covered them?"

The monster didn't respond. He continued to stare ahead. Could he even see? Wait, he had to be able to. How the fuck did that work? 

Eren sifted through Armin's closet, looking for anything, maybe a tie, a strip of fabric. A minute of searching and he only had scarves, one silk, and the other a knit. 

"Tie this over your eyes," Eren held out the silk scarf, "Fold it so it'll fit." 

Levi stretched out a hand, white against the almost violet and navy fabric. Eren let it fall in his fingers, watching. After a moment in which Levi only held the scarf, Eren looked away and gave him space. He pulled the plate of brownies towards him, stomach churning at the sight. 

Eren took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He willed himself to calm down, for his brain to slow. He didn't understand anything. So Levi was similar to Bertoldt and Annie. Yet he too was a monster, like the Augenfressers. Did they prey others, apart from humans? 

He opened his eyes and flinched violently. Levi was facing him, eyes hidden behind the neatly folded and tied scarf. His legs were still to his chest, thankfully preserving whatever he was hiding. Eren forced himself to watch Levi's face. 

"Okay," He whispered, "I like that I can see you. It's less... frightening this way." 

Levi simply kept still. 

"Can you see me?" Eren raised a hand, holding up two fingers. "How many fingers am I holding up?" 

The monster did not look amused. His mouth thinned and when he opened his mouth, his teeth were just has white as his skin.

"Yes I can see you, idiot." Eren jerked his hand away. "I can see all seven planes."

Eren felt like an idiot, but he looked up anyway. "Uh, what? Planes?" 

"Humans can only see the first, and if demons allow, the second. They are levels of reality, of sorts." Levi explained, voice back to mimicking bells. " _They_ reside on the fourth." 

Shaking slightly at the thought of the invisible monsters, Eren nodded. 

"Okay, that's creepy." He shifted, crossing his legs. "How can you see though?" 

"I do not need eyes to see." Again, creepy. Eren yawned despite the interesting conversation.

He blinked, eyes wet.

"What kind of, um, demon—are you a demon? Um, what kind of creature are you?"

"No."

"But I—"

"No."

Eren huffed.

"Fine," He crossed his arms, contemplating kicking over the plate of brownies in annoyance. "How did you lose your eyes?"

Levi tensed and stood. Eren averted his eyes, uncomfortable with Levi's nakedness. 

"You ask unnecessary questions. I do not even know why I tolerate you." He snapped harshly, his voice sounding like a deep organ someone slammed their hands upon. "Go to bed." 

"No wait, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crossing a line." Eren pleaded, "I want to stay up with you." 

The monster was growling low in his throat, digging his claws into his palms. 

"Go to bed, Eren. I will not tell you again." 

"No!" Eren hissed, standing as well. He was taller, but towering over the creature did nothing to stop his fear from rising up his throat. "I'm sorry, okay? I won't ask any more invasive questions. I just want to understand." 

"I am damned," Levi spit back, "Do not ask again."

Eren nodded hastily and sat down, almost sitting in the brownies. Levi did not sit again, so Eren had to look at his feet and trying not to succumb to the curiosity, to see if Levi was indeed similar to a human male as he thought.

"If I stay awake with you, with They stay away?" 

Levi hummed. 

"Perhaps." He sounded relieved and almost sorry. Eren looked up to his face. 

"Then I'm staying up. You shouldn't have to protect Armin alone."

He softened noticeably, finally bending to crouch again on his feet. Levi's throat clicked eerily before he dipped his chin to his collarbones. 

-

Eren ducked, yawning into the bookshop. He waved to a beaming Armin and accepted the hug. 

"You sure slept in late." The blond commented, "Nice bed head." 

His hair was probably ridiculous, but he had jumped out of bed immediately after he had woken up. 

"Your grandfather dropped me off. He said something about how we're on our own for dinner." Eren said, trying to smooth down his unruly hair. 

"Okay, that's fine. We were invited to dinner with everybody, anyway." 

"Oh," Eren had forgotten his friends still wanted to hang out. But he supposed if it kept Armin happy, he'd push through a dinner with a hands-y Reiner and mysterious Annie. Maybe he could ask her more questions. "Sounds great." 

Armin raised a brow before saying, "You hesitated." 

"Uh, I'm just hoping I don't have to sit next to Reiner is all." 

"So you don't like him? He was flirting hardcore yesterday." Armin led them to the front counter, tucked away in a corner. "Does he know you're uncomfortable?" 

"Maybe? I don't know. He's a great guy, but... no." He felt like Levi, just saying no if he didn't know what to say. 

"Okay, well, I won't press." Armin went back behind the counter, organizing books and files. "You don't have to stick with me." 

Eren nodded, careful of not standing to his full height. He had forgotten how low the ceilings were. 

"I'll look around for a while." 

"Cool." 

Turning to a random shelf, Eren pretended to be interested in... Self Help. Hitting too close to home, he moved down, slowly towards the darkest corner of the shop. Hopefully the same, grotesque tome was still there. 

He wandered for a few minutes, hoping Armin wouldn't come look for him, until he crouched to grab the book. Immediately, he searched the Table of Contents for 'Augenfresser'. The A's were ripped out. Of course they were. 

For ten minutes, Eren flipped each individual page, looking for anything to pop out at him. A few times, the illustrations did. Disgusting, horrific demons would claw at the borders surrounded their image, but Eren quickly skipped those pages. By the time he passed into the C's, he gave up. 

Perhaps Augenfressers weren't known to man. 

Maybe They weren't so terrible that he couldn't figure something out.  He sighed. He had to hope.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: to the eyes
> 
> Anybody guess that, about Levi? Quite a few of you are SO close to key points of the plot, kudos to you! I'm surrounded by smart cookies.
> 
> I stayed up till 3 am finishing this again........... sigh


	8. arare litus

The shack on the beach, close to Bertoldt's house, was an unanimous decision for everybody for where to have dinner. It was similar to a bar, with mostly appetizers and fruity alcoholic drinks that the bartender didn't care much to watch over. As a usual watering hole for all teens, the shack was almost always crowded. Reiner used his massive size to break the waves of loud teens to order food and drinks. He stole three beers while the bartender was busy throwing back orders to the closed off kitchen and beamed when he returned to everyone. 

"My treat," He threw Eren a beer, which he gladly took despite Armin's deep frown and uncomfortable poke in the side. "We never get to see Eren long anyway." 

Eren gave Armin a pleading look. Honestly, the bitter beer wasn't exactly what he wanted, but if it helped him forget the Things in the house, he'd take twenty. He finished his first one, trying to shove Reiner's arm off from around his shoulders. Annie stood next to him, keeping Reiner company while Armin tried to distract Eren from punching the hands-y teen in the face. 

"Please don't get drunk," Armin whispered, nervous and holding his food away from Sasha. "Grandfather doesn't... well, just don't." 

"I won't," Eren promised, finally just pushing Reiner away to lead Armin to a less crowded part of the smoky shack. "Sorry, but I'm just overwhelmed right now." 

"Overwhelmed?" His best friend looked shocked and a little hurt. "What's wrong?" 

To just tell Armin, to cry on his shoulder, to dump everything on his genius of a best friend was incredibly tempting. Armin would know what to do. He always had the answers, knew what to say, and when to not saying anything at all. Eren was slow in thinking things through, despite being a fast learner. Except, this situation wasn't something he could push through alone. And Levi did say he'd fall if he fought back alone. Did that mean he had changed his mind about telling Armin? 

"Not here," He amended, "I'll tell you later. I promise. And I wont get drunk. I'm not exactly supposed to be drinking while drugged anyway." 

"Eren!" Armin yanked his second beer out of his hands, already half gone. "That's dangerous!" 

He shrugged, too foggy to care much. His brain felt flooded, pressured, and tired. 

"Well, I tried." Annie came over, following their voices. Her sunglasses were on despite the sun already down and people shooting her weird looks. Eren swallowed, grateful. "But the idiot's already on his fourth drink. Don't go anywhere alone, Jaeger. Reiner doesn't exactly listen anymore when he's wasted."

"Noted." Eren muttered. "Why's he acting so... so different? I mean, he wasn't always like this. Hell, he didn't even like me much before I left." 

Annie reached out to a wooden beam supporting the shack's palm leaf roof, leaning when finding a good spot. She didn't look hindered at all with her lack of sight. Eren briefly wondered if many Annie could see, like Levi, but quickly shook his head. There was no way. 

"People change," Annie deadpanned, voice low, "And Reiner decided to be this way because of a few personal things. Not my place to say." 

Eren nodded, lifting his hand to take another drink of his beer, but then he remembered. Armin had the alcohol tucked under his arm while he stared blatantly at Annie. 

"Okay," Eren said, wondering if maybe he could grab another beer of the counter. "Fair enough. We all know how that goes." 

"Is there anything we can do?" Armin spoke up, watching Reiner laugh uncontrollably over Ymir, who was desperately trying to strangle a wheezing Connie. "I mean, nobody should have to go through anything alone." 

Annie's lips lifted into a small smile. 

"Just be there." She answered and turned to leave. Eren shot forward. 

"Wait, can I talk to you for a second?" He looked over his shoulder, Armin looking uncomfortable. "Alone?" 

Armin's eyes went wide and panicked. Eren quickly shook his head and mouthed, 'Don't worry'. 

"Lead the way." 

He led her away from the noisy shack, towards the waves. The darkness swallowed them enough that Armin could vaguely see their bodies. He huffed and went to throw away the bottle. Eren watched him until he disappeared in the crowd. 

"This is going to sound, well,  _crazy_." Eren began, looking at Annie's face to detect any change in her expression. "But when I asked you the other day on the beach... if you believed in monsters..." 

"Yeah?" She crossed her arms, shifting on the sand. 

"You said yes. But then fucking Reiner interrupted us and I never got the chance to talk to you about it." 

"I do believe in monsters." Her voice was ice. Eren took a step back. "And if you're smarter than you look, you'll forget about them." 

"What? I-I can't!" He begged her to understand, to tell him anything, to see. "If you're talking about what I'm talking about then I can't just... forget about them. I... I met one."

Annie's arm lashed out, gripping Eren's wrist painfully until he squeaked in pain. 

"Don't." She snapped. "Get out of there. They only take."

"S-So they took your eyes?" He managed to get out, terrified of her murderous face. 

She threw his wrist down and whispered, "Yes. They took them. So unless you want to lose your fucking eyes, you better leave California." 

Annie turned around and made her way back to the shack, tripping Eren and throwing him over her shoulder when he tried to stop her. He landed on his neck and head, ass in the air.

-

Grandfather took one look at Eren, disappointed and exhausted. Eren felt his stomach twist in shame and quickly lowered his head. He could still smell the stain of spilled beer on his arm from when Sasha tumbled into Reiner. The lingering smoky tint of cigarettes stuck to his clothes. Despite not smoking himself, he had allowed himself to entertain the idea, to inhale something to settle his nerves, something to numb the pain. 

"You're late." Grandfather said, voice even. Armin looked pale under his sharp gaze. "Eren... how old are you?" 

He knew what was coming: the lecture, the yelling, the punishment of a belt to his back, his mother screaming to stop  _please Grisha, he's just a child._  

"E-Eighteen." He muttered, shutting his eyes to brace for pain. 

"Then act like it." Grandfather turned to his bedroom, shutting the door. It didn't slam. It didn't rattle in the doorframe. Calmly, the lock clicked and silence filled the house. Despite his fuzzy thoughts, Eren felt like he was wide-awake.

Armin didn't say anything, but walked with Eren to his room. Quietly, he changed into his pajamas and took out a book. 

"Take a shower," He finally said, but his voice too was disappointed. Eren felt his throat clench and eyes begin to water. "You still smell." 

Eren nodded and walked to his own bathroom, forgetting the closet, forgetting the monsters, focusing on his own demons. He shut the door, sliding to the floor. 

What was he even doing? Grandfather had looked at him with such sad, pained eyes, like he had betrayed him. Stomach roiling, upset, full of junk food and alcohol, Eren crawled to the toilet. He willed himself to throw everything up, to fix things that maybe could heal the rift he just created. Why had he done that?

Alcohol was  _not_ a quick fix. It didn't do anything but throw away his limited rationality and fuck up his already fucked up head. Choking out a sob, Eren let himself cry. God, why was he such an idiot?

After managing to empty his stomach and brush his teeth, Eren started the shower. 

The water helped bring him back down from his depressed mindset. He wasn't a piece of shit, despite feeling like one. He wasn't worthless, he wasn't going to become a drunk, or a smoker, or someone to easily forget. The soothing balm of the warm shower washed away the lingering booze and acrid smoke, making room for the scent of the fresh sea. Right, the sea. He was on the beach. He was with Armin and he couldn't, he absolutely wouldn't disappoint him anymore. 

He washed thoroughly, mentally bashing himself for even going down that dangerous road. He remembered his drunkard of a neighbor Hannes, who died under the influence. He remembered the funeral and his father badmouthing Hannes to the point that Eren angrily left the precession and refused to come out of his room for weeks. He would not become his father. 

Pulling on comfortable clothes and lacing his shoes, just in case, Eren paused in front of his closet. He prayed that Levi was in there. 

"Levi, please be here." He whispered, opening the door. 

The monster was sitting crouched as usual, the blindfold covering his sockets. Eren felt his body relax. Levi was someone he could trust and rely upon. He was an adult who knew what to do.

"Thank goodness," Eren whispered and stepped closer. The monster faced him, mouth frowning. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Eren," His voice sent shivers down Eren's spine, pleasant to his ears despite the inhuman inflection with strings of music. "You're sad."

"Yeah, I guess I am." Eren swallowed, putting his head in his hands. He could feel the tears prickling the edges. "Sorry. I um, just... I'm having a rough day."

For a few minutes, they waited in silence. Eren took measured breaths, incredibly grateful Levi was sitting with him, concerned—weirdly enough—for him. He curled into his knees. Levi's concern was visible and entirely welcomed. 

The company felt soothing, like a deep massage to his mind. Levi's mere quiet, acceptant presence laid down Eren's goosebumps and rattled bones. 

"Thank you... sorry. But I didn't want to talk about me." He took a deep breath. "I'm telling Armin."

The monster flinched and stood. 

"No."

Eren got to his feet, his chin out in defiance. 

"I have to. This involves him as well. It involves everyone!" 

"He must not know." Levi hissed, guttural clicking back. Eren had forgotten about it and bit his lip. 

"If he knows, he can help us fight back." Eren pressured, taking a step forward, watching Levi shrink back. "You said I couldn't fight alone." 

"He will be... scared." Levi was hesitating. Eren's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "He must not know!" 

"Are you hiding something?" Eren took another step forward and Levi followed with another back. Despite his large, thick build, Levi was submitting. Eren felt ridiculous and somewhat empowered. "Levi, you can't hide these things from me. Will it hurt him to know?" 

"...Yes." Levi croaked. 

Eren took a shot in the dark, "Can They harm him even further with him knowing? Or will something else?" 

The monster didn't answer, but his silence was enough. 

"Levi, what aren't you telling me?" Eren reached out a hand and finally, pressed his fingertips to Levi's skin. He was cold, smooth, and hairless. His skin seemed to vibrate, layers deep a subtle buzzing that sent sparks of energy up Eren's arm. Levi didn't move away, still as a statue. He let out a gust of breath and closed his mouth tight. 

Eren let his hand slide down the monster's shoulder, his corded muscles, and then swing to his side. 

"You can trust me. I need to know, Levi. I won't tell him until I know for sure if it wont harm him." Eren continued and Levi turned his head away. 

"Do not think ill of me." Levi said after a long moment. "I was... I was in the darkness and Armin was a light." 

Eren nodded, confused, but encouraged him to continue anyway with a hum. 

"I've watched over him since he was a child. And he knows me." 

Struck dumb, Eren wobbled backwards. 

"What! Levi!" 

"Eren? What are you yelling for?" Armin broke Eren's momentary shock and he panicked. Eren pushed Levi further into the closet and ran out to meet his best friend at his bedroom door. 

"Armin!" Eren said, breathless despite having moved three feet. "Sorry, I was just... uh..." 

The blond was holding onto his book, slippers on his shifting feet. His mouth was turned down and his eyes looked distrustful. 

"Who is Levi?" 

_Fuck fucking fuckfuckfUCK_

"He's... a friend. And um... shit, Armin. I was going to tell you." 

Armin nearly dropped his book; "You're not hiding a boy in your closet are you? What's going on, Eren?"

Eren let out a hysteric laugh before calming, "Kind of? Um, I was going to tell you, like now. But... he didn't want me to." 

"Levi? Why does that sound familiar?" 

A soft click and susurrated hum.

The book fell through Armin's fingers and missed his toes by an inch. Eren swallowed and opened the closet door wider.

"Let me explain first, okay? Just... please don't run or scream or hit him. Or me, for that matter." Eren glanced at Levi, who was back to crouching and hiding in the clothes, claws digging into his skin. 

"Eren, you're scaring me. What was that noise? I-I think I've heard it before." 

"Just come here, slowly. Don't scream, please, he's nice." Eren met him halfway to the closet and let him grip his hand until his bones felt like they were grinding together. "I'll explain when you see him. He says you two, uh, have already met." 

Armin took a step backwards, "What are you talking about? Eren, stop, okay? Just," He pushed Eren as hard as he could, but Eren was bigger and hardly budged. "You're freaking me out." 

"I don't know how to tell you," Eren said, hands shaking. "It doesn't really make any sense until you see him. You won't believe me if I just tell you."

The blond took a shuddering breath, "You don't think before you act, you don't even realize that you do that sometimes and now that you are, it's putting me on edge. Now. What are you talking about?" 

"I literally cannot explain in words just yet." Eren sighed, head spinning, "Please. Trust me." 

"I do, I really do... I'm just incredibly freaked out right now." 

"Then let's talk to Levi and figure things out." Eren led the way, hand on Armin's lower back. "Levi isn't... human." 

Armin yipped when they reached the closet and he spotted the pale man sitting in the clothes. Eren had to block his way from leaving the closet. 

"He's, um, I actually don't know what he is... but I trust him. And he's been helping you, protecting you from your nightmares." 

"...Nightmares?" His voice was steady, but still incredibly cautious. He took a step forward, but kept to the left, away from Levi. 

"Levi," Eren, satisfied that Armin wouldn't make another break for it, walked further into the closet. "I can't do this alone."

He held out a hand and struggled to keep his heart from pounding when the monster moved towards him. Levi's movements were slow, like he was trying his best not to scare Armin away. His usual shuttering limbs were stiff and he hid his face like the blindfold was gone. Eren let the monster crouch almost behind him, to his side. His heart continued to race at the proximity and sudden trust Levi was putting in him, to hide behind him, to use his body as comfort. 

"W-Wait..." Armin began, hand to his mouth. "I've seen him before!" 

Levi stood a hairsbreadth away from Eren's thigh, naked and ashamed.

"Do you remember how you've seen him?" Eren tried, still in the dark. He looked to Levi, who was refusing to show his face.

"Um... not really. But Eren... what did you mean he isn't human?"

Before Eren could answer, Levi slid away and finally looked up. Armin took a step and his back hit the wall.

"You may not remember," Levi said; tone in wind chimes and clinks of glass. "You were a child."

Armin sat down and really looked at the monster. After a long minute, he gasped and pointed to Levi, who shrank back to Eren.

"Oh my god, no way. You... weren't real!"

"What? Real? Of course he is." Eren tilted his head.

"No, Eren, you don't understand. I made him up!" Armin was still pointing, eyes wide, chest heaving in shock. "As a kid, I made him up!"

"Made him—what? Like you imagined him?"

"Yes!" Armin screeched, but brought his voice lower. "This can't be real. Oh my god, I'm dreaming, this is just a horrific dream."

Levi raised his head, "I am real, Armin. You read Shakespeare to me. You would talk to me every night until you were too old for imaginary friends."

Eren fell on his butt, "Imaginary friends? What? I'm really confused here."

Levi ignored him and continued to stare at Armin, who slowly began to crawl forward. Levi flinched.

"He was… my imaginary friend." Armin’s voice was quiet, gentle, lost in his memories, "I don’t remember when I began to forget him, but now I definitely know he existed before." 

"Oh." Eren didn’t know what to say. So Levi definitely knew Armin? An unsettling churn began in his stomach at the thought. He always thought he’d be the only human Levi really knew, that it made him special in someway. But now he wasn’t. 

Armin put out a hand, like Eren had in the beginning, reaching for his imaginary friend.

"Yes," Levi moved away from Armin’s unconsciously outstretched arm and scooted closer to Eren. The action eradicated the previous uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. Eren tried to smother his pleased smile. "But I left for a reason. Children believe in things easily. You grew up." 

Armin frowned, obviously hurt. 

"I would have still been your friend." The blond assured, but the monster shook his head. The blindfold fluttered and gently fell on Eren’s arm they were crouched so close together. 

"No. You know the expression ‘child-like faith’." Levi hung his head, "It would disappear, and you would question me. You were always so bright." 

"I wouldn’t have!" Armin stood, upset. He was close to tears. "You’re wrong. Maybe you’re the one who didn’t have faith!" 

Armin stormed out of the closet, ignoring Eren’s pleas to come back. Levi stayed silent and cold next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: wasted labor
> 
> So... what do you think of that plot twist? Ehehehe
> 
> Augenfresser is being translated into [Spanish!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1388506/chapters/2908465) Thank you so much, trollMiracles! ^^


	9. ad astra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long, I had a rough week

The human boy keeps coming back and you don't know what to do. 

Eren reminds you of  _him_ and just knowing how much passion and love the boy holds for his best friends sends down a deep and ancient ache in your chest cavity, begging you to flee. You don't even know if you have a heart left, or if those Things took it along with your soul. But the numbness that slowly fades away with time, with the time spent with the human boy, brings you a crushing hope. And honestly, you don't want it. 

His eyes are so unique, the monstrous urge to  _take, feed,_  and _keep_ is difficult to keep down. The boy's depression had drawn you in the first place and now his hope wont let you go. So you're scared. 

Scared that Eren will find out, curse you, leave you, take his own life to spare himself from you. That thought keeps you from turning around and taking his eyes. Then the boy would truly fall and become like you. And to damn him would be to relive the pain from fifty years ago. That is something you  _will not do_. 

An offer to stay with you, to keep you company, to  _protect_ you from the Augenfressers has you startled and in a panicking frenzy. Does he not know what you are? What you are capable of? That you have to keep your basic, animal instincts under lock and key? 

You remember his first words to you. 

_"W-W-What are y-you?"_

And for a moment, you are confused. What... are you? A monster? Human? Demon? A ghost that wont let go of a love long lost? 

But then you remember Armin and his childish smile, his toddler cheeks, your promise, and why you haven't forgiven yourself. You deserve the eternal punishment. You deserve everything because you killed him and you can't change the past. You killed the love of your life and now, you have to watch everyone you care about suffer the same fate.

It has only been fifty years, but it feels like five thousand. 

The human boy asks your name. 

You almost say what you are. But he throws a noose around your neck with his rephrasing and the knot tightens to the point that you feel the points of your nails scratch holes in your skin. 

_"No, I mean a name. Not what you are. I'm Eren."_

You memorize the name and give him your own. After all, you have nothing else to give. You can only take.

-

"Levi." 

The monster flinched and moved away, standing, facing the back wall of the closet. He was hugging his arms around his chest, chin dipped and body shaking. 

Eren felt the overwhelming urge to touch him, to comfort him, to assure him that despite being terrified still he wouldn't leave. He'd grown attached to the man living in his closet, to the point that he almost wanted to hold his hand, claws be damned. Levi looked absolutely broken and lonely. A friendly hug or tug of the hand could mean the world to the monster. 

But Eren couldn't. He was torn between staying with Levi and going to Armin. Both needed him, but his head was against his heart. 

So for the first time in a long time, he ignored his head. 

"Levi, please." Eren walked closer, confused by the conversation of imaginary friends and Shakespeare, but Levi was more important. "You don't have to explain anything to me." He was close to just yelling, to beg for information because not knowing was the absolute  _worst_ , but now wasn't the time. He had to think before he acted. 

Levi wouldn't look to him, but his shaking lessened. Eren forgot his nakedness, staring at his back and how the blindfold tied back, falling with his long hair. For a minute, Eren blinked and saw him with short hair, cut and shaved on the neck. But then the vision was gone and reality settled. Eren put a hand to his head. 

His brain felt like it was pulsing and pounding against his skull. But soon, the pain subsided and he exhaled smoothly.

"Come with me." 

Silence. 

"Levi, please." Eren repeated, taking a step closer. "Just this once... do this for me." He held out a hand and Levi tensed. 

"What do you want from me?" The monster's voice was trembling, like rattling cutlery in a drawer. 

Eren took back his hand, thinking over the question. And why did Levi sound so distressed? What was going on anymore? 

"I just... want to help you." Eren answered, "I don't know what happened to you, but you're not a monster. Nobody starts out a monster." 

Levi turned around, mouth open and chest taking in rapid, shallow gasps. Eren took another step toward him and dared to reach for his wrist. The monster shook and backed into the wall. 

"You can go outside right? Come with me." 

"...W-Why?" He stuttered and Eren felt his heart tug painfully. What exactly had happened to make this powerful creature, this kind man tremble?

"Because I—“ Care about you? No, that wasn't what he wanted to say. Perhaps because he saw himself in Levi and it hurt more than he thought it would. Maybe—“I want you to." 

The monster made a noise akin to a wounded animal and yanked back his pale wrist. 

-

 _He_ used to say that.  _He_ used to whisper in your ear those words until you obeyed, because you could never say no to the idiot, the over confident asshole who took your heart before you even knew it. 

The human boy is bringing up old memories and you are very weak. 

-

"Okay." Levi answered, voice almost a whisper. Eren boldly took his wrist again and led them out of the closet, past the large bed, and out onto the balcony. 

Eren tugged him to watch the waves, to breathe in the salty air that was supposed to heal, to bring happiness and chase away bad dreams. 

The monster slipped a hand across the rail, counting the shells on the ledge. 

"Armin did that," Eren pointed at the red paling to orange shells, "They're all around the house." 

Levi nodded and took a deep breath, crouching again, head dipped. 

-

It is  _the_  balcony; where you killed him. It is the balcony where you shared your first kiss. It is the balcony that drives a knife into your empty sockets, a stark reminder of the justice you must submit to.  

A warm hand on your naked shoulder brings a surge of feral want and desire. The human offers you comfort and you desperately want and need it. His eyes are so close, so concerned, so beautiful, rich with a passionate and flickering soul. Eyes like the shells near Grandfather's room, green fading into blue. 

You want them.

But at the same time, what you crave settles the urge. His human eyes call to your human memories. You remember eyes, cornflower blue, intelligent and trapping. Eyes you might of well have taken that day on the balcony. 

-

Levi leaned into the hand, minutely and subtly, but the movement was still there. Eren gladly offered the comfort despite the claws that were so near his throat, that were dangerous enough to snuff his life out like a candle.

To distract himself, Eren looked over the balcony edge, through the railing and watched the pushing and pulling waves. With a deep sigh, Eren gathered the courage to break the silence.

"I have a really bad temper," He began, "And coupling that with my mental issues, I have a hard time just even getting out of bed. My parents used to just ignore my outbursts until one day, I snapped. I broke some kids arm down the street and agonized over it for a good two months." 

The monster stayed silent, ever so slowly leaning further into Eren's arm. His cold body felt strange against his side. 

"It... It was really stupid of me." Eren laughed, but his tone lacked any mirth. He swallowed, "But I lashed out at anyone who tried to help me. Even my sister. I pushed her away once and she hit her face on the corner of my side table." His throat was thickening, eyes watering at the memory of hurting his sister. The darkness in his mind felt heavy and he pulled Levi closer. "She'll have that scar forever. She said she had forgiven me, but... I wasn't ready to forgive myself. I mean I hurt her. I did that. I pushed her and she got hurt because of it." 

Levi let out a shuttering breath and further dipped his chin to his chest in shame. 

"But then she told me something that made me realize that I'm such a fucking idiot." Eren felt tears escape but didn't move to hide or wipe them away. "She told me that if I didn't forgive myself, I'd just make myself a prisoner. But if I did, I'd be free and escape from the prison I encaged myself in." He sniffed wetly, laughing again. He put his head in his sleeve. "Fuck, I can't believe I forgot about that. God, I miss her so much." 

A few minutes passed as Eren cried and Levi rocked back and forth from under his arm. Slowly, Eren quieted and with one final loud sniff, he turned to  ~~the monster~~  the man next to him and smiled. 

"I don't know what happened to you, or why you think you deserve to suffer, but you don't. Really Levi, you don't deserve any of this. And I hope you know that Armin would forgive you." 

-

The boy's words send a hot knife through your back, cutting down your spine and settling near your tailbone. The burn of the wound feels refreshing, paradoxically healing, but it is still not enough. No matter how bright the boy's smile is, no matter how close he holds you, you cannot forget the man you killed. 

"Sorry," Eren apologizes and you want to tell him to never apologize again, that he's perfect, that you needed to hear those words, but you cannot find your voice. "Sorry," He repeats, giving you a watery smile, "I'm not the best at comforting. I'm so fucked up myself that you probably think I'm an idiot." He coughs and you feel pain flare again in your chest cavity, "Everybody else does." 

His depression is slowly pouring off him in black smoke, like he is full of holes and draining. The delicious urge is back and you dig your nails into your palms to distract yourself. His eyes are wet, bright, and ever captivating. Your own empty sockets call for them. 

"Eren," You try because this is dangerous. He will call the Augenfressers back, away from the fourth plane to feast on a volatile Armin, on himself, on you. And your very close to telling him everything. "Thank you." 

You don't know how else to extend your gratitude, to show that he replaced the yawning abyss with a burning brightness; he is saving you from your own destruction. 

You pause. 

Fifty years of pain, fifty years of wishing to die is fading from memory. With an iron grip, you hold on. You hold on to  _him,_ not ready to let go. Not ready to find out what would happen should you forgive and forget. The pain is too familiar to release. 

"So, um," The boy starts and you come back to a slightly less lonely reality. "I'm thinking about visiting Bertoldt. He's my friend who lost his eyes." The pain is back and you unconsciously dip closer to Eren. "He's in a mental hospital and maybe he can help us, since you don't remember how to beat Them."

Guilt tears at you. You remember enough, but to tell him would destroy everything you don't want to let go of and more.

"Would you... come with me? You can leave the house, right?" 

His request is innocent and you wish he was less perfect, less kind, less so willing to die for others. His courage is shocking.

"I can leave." You answer, but to enter into a place of such temptation would probably annihilate your restraint. "But I will not go." 

"Why?" You knew the question was coming, Eren always questions what he does not understand, but the flash of annoyance still rises anyway.

"I will not go." You repeat. Eren slumps. 

"Fine, you wont go." He sounds disappointed and you wish to hide back in the safety of the closet. 

With a bone rattling breath, you also slump and hold onto the idea that maybe Eren can keep you safe from the tortures of the night. But when the boy stiffens at your inhuman noises you remember. 

You're truly becoming everything you hate. 

-

By the time the moon was high in the sky, stars dying brightly, Eren vaguely noticed that he was cuddling with the man that liked to hide in closets. The thought should really alarm him. But it didn't. If anything, it warmed him to know they weren't suffering for now.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: to the stars
> 
> Hope you enjoyed some Levi POV. I've found that 2nd person is actually quite fun to write. (it was short for a reason okay, they needed this chapter to move on with their relationship and pull in the ereri moments) 
> 
> Also, eventually expect a German translation of Augenfresser! I can't even begin to explain how thrilled I am! Thank you again, everybody! Your comments, kudos, and asks truly encourage me to keep going :)


	10. auribus teneo lupum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was originally super long, so I cut it up in sections over the next few chapters. Enjoy some more questions and mystery. ;)

Vaguely remembering cold arms, his ankles hitting the balcony doors, and maybe a brush against his forehead with chilly fingertips, Eren sat up in bed, hair a mess. His shoes were off, lined neatly near the door, blankets tucked almost clinically around him. He felt strange messing up the sheets as he moved, but the sun was high in the sky, closet door closed. 

Deciding that he had fallen asleep on the balcony, on Levi (oh my  _god why_ ), Eren went to the bathroom to shower and change. Only when he was finished, refreshed and considerably more awake, did Eren realize that he had forgotten about Armin. 

Eren ran from his room and into Armin's, but it was empty. A shoebox from under his bed was open, letters, toddler drawings, and old pictures littering the floor. Without looking back, Eren flew down the three flights of stairs, running past Grandfather on the wicker couch. 

"Where is Armin?" He called, going through the kitchen, then another room he had forgotten existed. He moved to the front door, but he was pulled back. 

Grandfather was shorter, but he still made Eren pause and look away. He still hadn't forgotten his beer incident it seemed. 

"He's at work." His voice was stern, smooth. Eren held his breath. 

"Oh okay." Eren moved away, "Um, I'm going to go visit him." 

"No, you're not." Grandfather pressured, "You're going to take your medication, eat, and talk with me." 

"But I'm—"

"Don't even try," Grandfather turned the lock on the front door and pushed Eren into the kitchen. "I'll get you a glass of water. Take your pills, calm down, and tell me what's bothering you. Pancakes or waffles?"

"Um..." Eren shifted near the island counter, flushing in humiliation. "P-Pancakes." 

"Good, that's all I have." His light-hearted humor was creeping back up, so Eren relaxed slightly. He hadn't ruined everything just yet. Grandfather filled a clean glass and watched Eren take his pill and swallow. "You forget to take your medicine sometimes." 

"I know, I just... don't think about." 

Grandfather took back the glass and opened the fridge to take out a plate of wrapped pancakes. 

"Sit." Eren immediately obeyed, hands in his lap, eyes down. The chair was nearest the basement, so Eren edged back towards Grandfather. "Eren, you can't just forget. If you need help remembering, just ask me to remind you. I'll be up. I'm here to help." 

Eren finally looked up and managed a twitching smile. 

"I know. Thanks." 

Grandfather hummed as he put down three pancakes on a plate, shooting Eren a sharp look when he offered protest. He heated them up and poured a good amount of syrup on top. 

"There, eat." He pushed the full plate and a fork to Eren. He leaned against the counter and watched Eren nibble on his food like a hawk. "All of them." 

Eren resisted the urge to snap a 'yes sir'. 

"Armin looked upset this morning when he left," Grandfather began and the hollow feeling of hunger vanished from Eren's stomach. "Did you two fight?"

"Um, maybe. I don't know." Eren mumbled and picked at his breakfast, despite it being well into the afternoon. "Did he say anything to you, before he left?" 

Tilting his head, Grandfather frowned. "No. He didn't. He didn't even eat." 

"Shit," Eren mumbled and put down his fork, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "I fucked up." 

"Language," Grandfather immediately admonished, but didn't sound terribly upset. "Eren, you don't have to tell me anything," He sighed, looking out the window towards the waves. "But it does nothing to keep everything bottled up. Make up with Armin. You're his best friend."

Eren felt his eyes begin to tear up and sniffed. "I know. I just... chose wrong I guess." 

Grandfather pulled back the plate of pancakes and huffed, "Well, you ate a little bit. I'll save these I suppose. Why don't you wait until Armin gets home? You can help me out around the house." 

"Okay, sure." Eren hopped off the stool and washed his hands to get rid of the sticky feeling that always followed from eating pancakes. 

"Up in my room is a chores list," Grandfather put away the food, giving Eren a small smile. "Could you get it?" 

"Yep."

Eren felt better, knowing the smile meant he'd been forgiven for his behavior. He trotted to Grandfather's room, opening the door quietly without really knowing why. It just seemed like the right thing to do. 

The room was fairly large, a bed in a corner, a dresser and closet nearest the window overlooking the sand. A row of seashells decorated the windowsill, starting from a unique green, fading into blue. They almost didn't look real. 

Spotting the list on the bed, Eren reached for the paper, but stopped when he felt his foot crunch over something. He quickly yanked his foot away from the edge underneath the bed, heart thumping. 

"Levi?" He whispered, just in case, but nothing answered him. His cheeks felt warm just thinking of the man in his closet and his stupidity to think Levi could be everywhere. 

Slowly, Eren bent down and reached under and into the darkness. He felt thick, leathery pages and pulled out a book. It was the same one from when Armin had his nightmares and Grandfather avoided commentary about it. Curiosity told him to open it, to read what was inside, but rationality told him to put it back. It wasn't his. It could be something Grandfather wanted to keep out of sight. 

Returning the dark leather book under the bed, Eren caught a few worn, golden letters before he forced himself to look away. 

What word even began with the letters 'T-E-U'?

-

Eren opened his mouth to speak, but Armin put a hand over his lips, effectively cutting off his long apology. 

"Just... don't." Armin sighed and took back his hand, wiping it on Eren's shoulder. "Gross, don't lick me." 

"Sorry, habit. Mikasa always put a hand over my mouth and I'd just, well, lick her." 

Armin's mouth twitched for a second before his face shut down, serious and slightly scared. Eren's stomach churned. 

"Let's walk," Armin insisted, walking down the front steps, "We need to talk." 

Eren didn't say anything, but took off his shoes and dug his toes in the sand the moment they made it to the beach. Armin did the same, slipping off his flip-flops. For a while, they walked in silence, Armin swinging his shoes, brows furrowed. Eren guessed he was gathering his thoughts for a long lecture. 

"So, Levi." His best friend began, puffing out a long breath when Eren looked up from his dragging feet. "He's real. And you kept him a secret from me." 

Tired of making excuses, of lying, Eren only nodded. Armin's shoulders slumped. 

"Why? Eren, this is crazy. Monsters  _don't_ exist. Much less haunt closets for Christ's sake." 

"He's not a monster," Eren snapped, defensive of the man he had sought comfort with, the man who had carried him back to bed and listened to him cry. "But They're real. Armin, you had nightmares when you were little, right? I remember, you always cried if I didn't sleepover when we were kids."

Armin's cheeks tinged pink, but he didn't deny anything. Eren grabbed his wrist and they paused in their walk. 

"They weren't normal nightmares. They are monsters here that t-take..." His voice cracked and he cut off, suddenly losing his rhythm. Just thinking about the eye-eaters waiting for them on the fourth plane, invisible and terrible, made him want to puke and run away with Armin. 

"What? They take what? Eren, this doesn't make any sense. Monsters aren't real, just like in my nightmares. They were just that: nightmares. I was a little kid, scared of anything that I didn't know." 

"How can you keep saying that? They're real. Levi was— _is_ real." 

"But you said he isn't a monster." Armin countered and pulled his wrist away, "Maybe I was just... hallucinating last night." 

Eren crossed his arms, losing a sneaker to the sand. "You know that isn't true. Armin, I was there and so was he. He, um, he talks to me almost every night. He shared my brownies. He even... he even carried me to bed last night." 

Armin's face pinched and he frowned. 

"He's real and so are They. So stop trying to—" Eren cut off, grumbling when he couldn't find the right words, "Stop trying to explain everything logically. This  _isn't_ logical. I need your help. Bertoldt and Annie have already been hurt because of Them." 

The blond froze, face paling. 

"W-What?"

Eren took a deep breath and picked up his shoe, tipping it so the sand fell like from an hourglass. 

"They both lost their eyes to the... um, I can't say and I don't remember how to spell it. But They're eye-eaters." Armin flinched and put a hand over his mouth, as if he was close to puking on the beach. 

"That doesn't make sense, Eren." Armin mumbled from behind his hand, "E-Eye-eaters? That's disgusting... Why the eyes?" 

Swallowing, glad he hadn't eaten much and only helped Grandfather clean most the day, Eren said, "I don't know. Something symbolic maybe? But... I was thinking... hoping, you'd come visit Bertoldt with me. Today." 

Armin looked alarmed, but quickly, his face switched to careful incredulity. 

"And you think he'll just tell you his eyes were taken by monsters? He probably thought he was dreaming, or at worst, won’t tell anybody should they think he's insane." 

"He's in a mental hospital," Eren pushed, "They already think that." 

The blond looked away, uncomfortable and sat in the sand. Eren quickly followed, glued to his hip. 

"Sorry... I know it's a lot to take in." Eren muttered, pushing his shoulder into Armin's to soothe him. "But Levi said I couldn't stop them alone." 

Armin turned to his best friend; lips thin, eyes shining brightly with questions and concern, he leaned closer.

"But what  _is_  Levi?" 

"...I don't know." He exhaled and rubbed his forehead, hoping that he hadn't imagined Levi trailing his fingers on his face and through his hair the night before. "But he's my friend. So I trust him." 

-

Knowing his best friend still didn't believe him Eren took a shuttering breath and threaded his fingers through Armin's anyway. The mental hospital was large, brown, and intimidating. He needed the comfort despite the situation. 

"He was in the intensive care ward," Armin explained as they walked up the steps, the grass and plants dead. Eren forced himself to keep going. "But now, I think Annie said he moved. He's gotten better with his new meds and I guess some therapy." 

At the word therapy, Eren's shoulders tensed and his grip on Armin's hand tightened. The blond squeezed his hand reassuringly. 

"Last time I went to a mental hospital, I didn't come out for three days." Eren whispered and his best friend stopped, mouth gaping. "My dad tricked me. Checked me in before I really understood what was happening... it was a month after we moved away." 

"Oh my god, Eren." Armin said, and pulled him away from the entrance. "What happened?" 

"Nothing much," He quickly added, "Just a lot of questions and pills." 

"But you were, what, ten?" 

Eren shrugged, "Eleven, I'm older remember?" 

"Still, Eren, you were just a kid. I didn't even think your dad would... or your mom!" 

"They changed, with Dad's new job and the sudden shift in my behavior. So, um, they thought a mental hospital would help." He looked up to the building with a grimace, "They were scared of me." 

"Eren..." Armin brushed a hand through his hair affectionately, just like when they were little and playing house. Eren remembered with a fond smile that Armin was always the wife. "Annie!" 

Eren flinched back, "What?" 

"Annie." Armin forced on a smile and pointed past Eren's shoulder. He turned and promptly lost his happy memories. 

"Armin, Eren?" Annie said with her hand on the railed steps, sunglasses perched across her nose. "What are you doing here?"

"Visiting Bertoldt!" Armin quickly answered, pushing Eren forward. He stumbled towards their friend, who looked annoyed and seemed to glare directly at Eren. He looked away. 

"Oh?" 

"Yep, Eren wanted to visit." Armin explained, voice a bit too high for the complete truth, but Eren felt convinced as he nodded along. "It's been seven years since he's seen him. Did you come to visit him too?" 

Annie nodded and turned her head back to the entrance. 

"Let's visit together," Eren spoke up, "I'm sure he'd appreciate the company." 

She didn't seem happy, making an ugly snort of sorts, but she nodded anyway. 

"Lead the way, Jaeger."

Eren was sure there was a death threat in there somewhere. 

-

Bertoldt, because of his lack of eyes, had medical tape wrapped through his hair and over his empty sockets. Still unused to the darkness, he sat in a wheelchair, a nurse clad in white scrubs behind him. He looked strange, being so tall and young, confined and handicapped. Eren felt his heart and stomach tug in unison at the sight of his friend suffering. 

Eren leaned closer, catching the tail end of fading pink scratch marks trailing down his cheeks. He quickly sat back, remembering his own nightmares, grabbing Armin's hand again. 

His best friend was talking to Bertoldt, but Eren was focusing on everything but the conversation.

Bertoldt looked lonely, broken, and pale. He looked like death and almost as if he'd welcome it. Eren felt his mind betray him, supplying that he couldn't blame his friend for wanting to die. He often felt the same. But then he remembered Armin next to him, his loving sister overseas, and the man in his closet, waiting for him to come back home. He hoped Bertoldt knew he had people waiting for him to come home too. 

"... not too bad," Bertoldt said, Eren finally tuning in after his thoughts had taken a darker turn, "Food's okay. Annie visits a lot." 

Eren smiled despite the reminder of the pain Annie inflicted upon him. She was a good friend, no matter what. 

"What about Reiner, he come by everyday?" Eren laughed, but Bertoldt turned his head away, chin wobbling. "Shit, sorry." He amended, but the damage was done. Annie jabbed an elbow deep in his side. 

"He doesn't like it here." Bertoldt finally answered, taking a shaky breath. Armin put a hand on Bertoldt's knee. 

"Do you know when you'll be discharged?" 

"When?" Bertoldt's face turned almost manic, grim, and grotesquely amused. "You mean 'if'. They wont let me leave, not after what I said. They were real." His voice died out, the nurse behind him giving him a quick look. 

"You were sick," Annie cut in, voice firm. Eren shot her a shocked look, but she obviously missed it. "They were just nightmares." 

"...Right..." Bertoldt muttered and pulled the blanket around his shoulders tighter. 

Eren didn't know what to say. He had come to the hospital looking for answers, but all he was getting were more questions. And with the lurking nurse behind Bertoldt, he doubted they could talk about anything. Armin seemed to understand Eren's train of thought and quickly stood. 

"Sorry, but we promised my grandfather we'd be back in an hour." He leaned down and hugged Bertoldt. In the wheelchair, he could only grip weakly back. 

Annie too hugged him and a quick kiss on the forehead before walking out of the visitation room, knowing her way around without having to feel for any surfaces. Eren stood in front of Bertoldt for a moment before leaning down and giving the boy a fierce hug. 

"Don't give in to Them." He whispered and felt his friend tense. "I believe you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: I hold a wolf by the ears
> 
> I'm out of town for the next few weeks for a horse show, so I probably wont be updating for a good while. Also, sorry this is sooooo late, I hit a road block and traveling gave me no time to finish this. Anyway, thank you again for the support and kind words. I love seeing your comments! ^^


	11. memento mori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my absences, but whOA 300+ kudos! Thank you so much!

And the questions kept on piling. 

Eren and Armin trotted down the hospital's steps, bypassing a watchful Annie and curious staff. Armin opened the car door, waiting for Eren to hop in before starting the engine and pulling out of the parking lot. Eren watched with careful consideration. 

The hospital, seemingly normal on the outside, was no doubt home to those terrible monsters. He felt the same shivers, despair, and the fact that Bertoldt was still caged inside, gave him the proof he needed. Eren wanted to run back to the house, to grab Levi and force him to answer in spite of how closed-off the man was about anything. Bertoldt, Annie, and Levi were all similar. Their eyes were forever missing and Eren needed to figure out what to do. 

"Wait," Eren spoke up, finally paying attention to his surroundings. They were on the interstate. "Where are we going? Home is that way." 

"I know," Armin sounded like he was bordering on a poorly managed panic. His grip on the steering wheel was white and unrelenting. "We're going to figure this all out. We're going to the one place that has never failed me." 

"Um, where is that?" 

"The library," Eren resisted the urge to roll his eyes when Armin's words were completely serious, his answer sounding like a badly done action movie on an incredibly low budget. "Sorry, I just got into it." He was blushing now, but his grip was even tighter. Humor seemed like a good road to take, so Eren nodded. 

"Okay, the library." Eren played along, "What's at the library?" 

"...Books?" Armin looked worried for Eren as they took the next exit and slowed for the right turn. "What else?" 

"Oh, so you mean we're like researching? I told you," Eren pressed his temple against the cool window, headache forming. "I can't say or spell what the creatures are." 

"Why?" 

"Levi says They come when called." 

Armin didn't say anything until they pulled up to the large library, relatively empty on the quiet afternoon. 

Throwing the old car into park, Armin slowly turned. "That's pretty vague. What else did he say?" 

"Just a bunch of crap about how that I can't beat Them alone and They feed off my... well, everyone's depression and negative energy." 

"Negative energy?" Armin looked skeptical, but nodded anyway. "Let's go in, Grandfather really does want us home soon. We've got an hour, tops." 

They walked inside, immediately booking it up the stairs and towards the Fantasy section. 

"So, what are we looking for?" Eren whispered, feeling slightly ridiculous and watching a little boy snap his eyes up to him, reading on the floor with a Tolkien novel. 

"Anything, really. Did he say anything else?" 

"Not really, he doesn't like to talk much. And when he does, it's mostly insulting or something morbid." Eren huffed, but turned to the bookshelves, pursing the spines. "But I have a vague idea how to spell the, well, you know." He tossed another look to the boy on the floor, still absorbed into Middle Earth. 

"What does it start with?" 

"An 'A'." He answered and walked with Armin to the right letter section. "It's not english, I know that. Maybe German?" 

"German?" Armin asked, bewildered. "And you said They're..." He leaned closer, barely whispering, "Eye-eaters? Then what's the German word for that?" 

Eren shrugged, "I guess that's what they're called, that word in German. It sounds right to me." 

Armin deflated, finger sliding over the laminated spines. 

"There isn't any German mythology or demonology here. I don't think a public library would carry anything on satanic stuff." 

"Wait!" Eren yelled, startling the boy on the floor. He gave them a dirty look before leaving, muttering 'Freaks' under his breath. Eren resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at the boy. 

"What? And whisper Eren, it's a library." 

"Sorry," Eren whispered, turning back to Armin, "But there is one book, at your work. I found it way in the back, behind some other shit." 

"My work? That's just across the street." 

"Do you think maybe they're tied together? I mean, how much of a coincidence is that?" Eren pulled his best friend back toward the entrance, trotting down the steps. "But I looked for the monsters and some pages were torn out, other parts scribbled out."

"Scribbled out? Like someone didn't want you to find something about Them?" Armin waved to a librarian before opening the door. He put a hand over his stomach. "This is crazy. I feel sick."

Eren sighed and took the keys.

"I'll drive. Just calm down," He opened the door and started the car, but didn't move to leave. "I've had longer to digest all this."

"How'd you do it? I still have some doubts; I mean... monsters aren't real. This does and doesn't make sense." He banged his head on the seat, sighing, "My nightmares were because of Them. And Levi has been real since I was a kid. But he hasn't even aged a day."

Eren fiddled with the key chain hanging from the ignition. "I've been thinking... about Levi. A lot. And I think I have an idea about him." 

"So, what is it?" 

"It's crazy," Eren answered, cheeks pink, "Even crazier than invisible eye-eaters." 

"I doubt that," Armin sounded sick again, "What's your theory?" 

"That... That he was once a human. But somehow, he's crossed the line and he said something about these planes of reality," Armin's eyes grew big, so Eren waved his hand, "But that's another topic entirely. Anyway, I think he's still human, but bordering on more than one plane, you know? I mean, he looks and acts so  _human_. Maybe he's just stuck and won't get out because he wants to protect you." 

"But Eren, if he's still human, he should have aged." Armin shut down his theory, logic and rationality trumping speculation and hope. "I'm almost eighteen and he's been with me since the beginning, as far as I can remember." 

Eren grumbled, leaning back in his seat, slumping. 

"You just don't want to believe he's not a monster." 

"Eren, he is a monster. You saw him." Armin's voice was gentle, but firm in his statement. Eren felt a chill pass through his chest and stomach at his words. "Claws, his voices? And that blindfold is hiding something." 

"That's why I said he's bordering between planes." Eren huffed and buckled, shifting gears, "You just don't get it. He's the good guy." 

"I didn't say he wasn't," Armin defended, "But you have to admit, he doesn't look it. He's dangerous Eren. He lied to you and to me. He's been hiding in a closet for eighteen years, maybe longer." 

"Why are you so against him?" Eren snapped.

"Why _aren’t_ you?" Armin countered. 

-

Eren slammed on the brakes as they pulled up to the house.

" _Oh my god_." He said as Armin stopped screaming and tried to catch his breath. 

"What!"

"I completely forgot!" Eren unbuckled and threw the keys into Armin's lap. "Grandfather!"

"What about him?"

"His book! Remember, when you had that nightmare a few days ago? He brought in a book, but when you asked about it, he avoided the subject! And earlier today, I went into his room to grab a list of chores and found it under his bed." 

"Eren, that's probably something private." Armin admonished, but didn't entirely let the subject go. "But did you look at it?"

"Not really, I mean, I caught pieces of the title." Eren huffed, hitting himself over the head. "I felt guilty for snooping. God, I'm such an idiot!"

Armin unbuckled and punched Eren in the arm. 

"Ow!" 

"That's for being an idiot and driving like a maniac." The blond looked up to the house, looking for any signs of Grandfather. "What did you see of the title?" 

"Just some letters. T-E-U. But I don't know any words starting with T-E-U." 

"Me either," Armin admitted, "But we should find it. Sounds German, like the monsters." 

Eren nodded, stomach dropping. 

"But that means Grandfather knows something." Eren whispered, "And that he's been keeping it from us."

"We can't think like that," Armin snapped and opened his door. "Maybe he knows more than us and our lack of knowledge is keeping us safe." 

"I'm calling bullshit," Eren pressured, standing from the car and slamming the door. "They take our  _eyes_  Armin. Levi has been the only one keeping us safe. Grandfather knows something, I'm sure of it. I don't know why he hasn't said anything, but it's probably not for the reason you think."

The blond looked angry, "Don't just accuse him of something we don't even know! You know him, Eren. Grandfather has been taking care of us our entire lives. He was the one who took you to the hospital when you stepped on a jellyfish. He makes sure we stay out of trouble. He's the one who took you in for the summer when your parents gave up on you." 

His words stung. He flinched away from his best friend, who immediately looked ashamed. 

"I'm sorry," Armin apologized, "But he's the good guy. He wouldn't harm us,  _ever_." 

Eren just blinked his wet eyes and walked to the house. 

"Wait, Eren, please, I'm sorry!" 

He ignored him, ignored Grandfather's calls when he entered the house, and ran upstairs. 

"Levi!" Eren wailed when he got to his bedroom, "Levi, please, don't disappear on me. I need you." 

Eren walked to the closet, but it was empty. Lower lip wobbling, tears falling, Eren walked inside, pulling apart the hanging clothes, kicking over shoes and finally, hitting the wall that used to be a wooden door. 

"Levi! Where are you!" He sniffed, angry and hurting. "Don't do this to me, you asshole!" 

A faint scratching. 

Eren whirled around, mouth gaping at the spot on the floor. 

Splinters of wood, letters forming words, words forming sentences. Eren knelt next to the scratches, soaking in the words. 

 **Go away**.

"What?" Eren sucked in a breath. "Levi, come on, this isn't funny. Just come out!" 

**Go away. Leave.**

"What... What are you saying? I can't! Levi, please, I need you. Armin needs you." 

 **Keep away from me. If not,**   _ **leave**_ **.**

-

A red envelope swam into focus, cutting off Eren's angry thoughts. Grandfather dangled the letter in front of him, smiling. 

"You zoned out there for a while," He put down the letter on Eren's knees, turning down the television. Beside him, Armin shifted and watched them carefully. "You got a letter." 

"From who?" He grumbled, not bothering to look at it. He stared at Grandfather's face for any distrust, a flash of a permanent smile, empty sockets. But his old face was genial and soft. 

"Mikasa," Grandfather nodded to the letter, "Figures she'd write you first. You forgot, didn't you?" 

Sheepishly, Eren picked up the letter. He  _had_ forgotten. Miserable, but incredibly happy to have a piece of home, Eren stood. 

"Where are you going?" Armin asked, sitting up rigidly, eyes still sad and apologetic. Eren was still hurting, so he ignored him. 

Walking up three flights of stairs, Eren stared at the red letter. Mikasa's beautiful script adorned the front, all swirls and nearly perfect cursive. Many stamps from different postal offices ran over the postage and Mikasa's return address, but he could make out the writing anyway. With a heavy, gentle hand, she had titled the letter in black ink. 

**Kindly Deliver to Eren Jaeger**

He smiled, feeling like he the main character of a romance novel. Brightening, he opened his door, ignoring the closet and the distinct lack of scratching. The balcony, though still a sore spot, seemed like the best place. He sat on the edge, legs between the rails. He carefully ripped open the envelope, hoping to preserve the writing. Taking a deep breath, he opened the letter. 

**Eren,**

**It's been weeks, you should have written by now. You forgot, didn't you? So I took this _shocking_ opportunity to write you first. School is tolerable, something that will probably take some time getting used to. The summer semester is definitely not what I expected. My roommate never showed up, so I have the dorm all to myself! It's nice actually. And since it is summer, hardly anyone but graduates are taking classes. but it's good to get ahead. **

**I know you're at Armin's, so say hi to him, Grandfather for me and everyone else of course. I miss you so much, you giant baby. I can visit sometime around early July, if we can afford the ticket. Classes are pretty short for the summer semester.**

**Anyway, how are you? Don't spare any details. Find a summer romance? Hope you're well and eating and remembering your medicine. They'll help. Love you.**

**, Mikasa**

Unsurprisingly, she had signed her name with flowers and a cartoon heart. 

Laughing and gasping back tears, Eren read the letter over and over, committing it to memory, soaking in the fact that Mikasa was safe, happy, in a normal life. She didn't have to worry about monsters, mental illnesses, or disappearing assholes who lived in closets. 

He sobbed over the envelope and didn't say no to a hug when Armin came outside for support. 

He was truly lucky to have him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: Remember that you will die
> 
> new fanart by [incompleteicarus](http://incompleteicarus.tumblr.com/post/83851566064) and OMG HE HAS THE BROWNIE AND IT'S PERFECT
> 
> That was pretty short, sorry. I mean't for it to be longer, but BIG reveals are coming up in the next chapter and the one after that. You'll find out more about Grandfather and Levi. I plan for 25-30 chapters, so fret not! More mysteries and surprises!
> 
> And I'm back in town, so updates wont be weeks in between, hopefully.


	12. dum spiro spero

Curled up in bed, Eren and Armin shared each other's heat and company. Sniffing still, clutching onto the letter, Eren hid his face into the pillow, Armin giving him time to calm down. It was late into the night and they had yet to say anything, but the silent apology was mutual. They cuddled close and matched their breathing.

In spite of the company, Eren felt horrible. He felt like he was on the edge of a sickness; close enough to feel heavy, but still far away to dread the upcoming days. Eren snuggled closer to his best friend, thankful that the blond simply let him in and was staying silent. Silence was something he wanted, but also he needed Armin's presence for accountability. It was nice to have someone for once.

Sliding further down the bed, Eren yawned, suppressing shudders. Levi was gone, Grandfather was hiding secrets, monsters were torturing his friends, and he was slowly falling deeper into his illnesses. He missed his sister, his family, his health, and most of all: the normalcy. He didn't regret at all meeting Levi. Levi was someone he felt attached to; if the man ever disappeared for good, he'd never be the same. He couldn't remember being normal now. So he was silently panicking. 

Why was Levi hiding from him? Out of every chance he had to disappear, why choose now? Eren couldn't leave and didn't want to stay away. Levi was important to him now, he knew parts of him he hadn't even known himself. And yet, the man wouldn't come out. Where had he gone? 

Eren sat up, startling Armin. He blinked harshly, willing himself to just stop fucking crying for once. He knew that when he did, his mind would clear and everything would be better. But right now, he couldn't stop. He needed Levi back, but the man refused. Maybe he was on a different plane? Perhaps that would explain how he could still _be there_ , but not visible. 

"Armin," Eren croaked and his best friend slowly sat up next to him, face worried. "I... I fucked up. And I don't know  _how_." 

"What do you mean?" Armin pressured gently. 

"Levi... he's gone." He huffed angrily, finally letting go of the letter, "Well, not gone, but he won't... I don't know, appear? Show himself? He's invisible and keeps telling me to go away." 

"Go away?" Armin repeated, "Why? What'd you do?"

"I just said, I don't know!" Eren grumbled and laid back down, smacking into the pillow, "Just yesterday he tucked me into bed and we basically cried on each other. But now he's ignoring me! Telling me to leave!"

"Maybe he's afraid," Armin offered, "When I was little, I remember, he'd carry me to bed. I'd always wake up in the morning, tucked in real neat and whenever I told Grandfather about my imaginary friend, he'd get all... weird..." He trailed off, "But Levi would stay up with me if I was scared. He used to say..." He paused, trying to collect his memories; "He used to say he'd protect me and that he enjoyed it when I read to him. So I'd read aloud until I fell asleep and he put me in bed. But I guess I grew up and he was afraid I'd hate him." 

"We're just kids to him," Eren sighed, "Do you remember when you first met him?"

Armin hummed thoughtfully, "I think... I think I saw a picture of him once, going through our old photos when my parents died. And from then on, I guess my mind associated him with them and he suddenly appeared." 

"A picture?" Eren sat up again, "Where? How's that even possible?" 

"I don't know," Armin mumbled, "I only just now remembered. I think they were in Grandfather's things." 

"Grandfather's?" Eren shot out of bed, padding silently to the door, "Armin," He whispered, "I know... I know we fought about Grandfather earlier, but you have to admit, this can't be a coincidence. What if Grandfather  _knows_ about Levi?" 

His best friend hopped out of bed, frowning, "Why would he though? I mean, how? Grandfather is seventy-something. If he knew about him and if Levi is in those pictures, he'd have to be around Grandfather's age." 

"But Levi isn't... entirely human. Or he's mixed between planes and time doesn't touch him." 

Armin sighed, "Eren, this is way too crazy. Let's back up and put everything together, okay? Time? That's way too complicated for us right now. Let's focus on Levi and Grandfather." 

Eren quietly closed Armin's bedroom door. 

"Fine." He joined him back toward the bed, sitting on the edge, pushing the letter out of the way. "So, Levi and Grandfather. You found Levi in a photograph and... imagined him? And Grandfather knows him, maybe through the photo." 

"But how could I imagine him?" Armin countered and held up his hands, counting on his fingers. "Okay, one: Levi. He protects us and is somehow still alive. Two: Grandfather. Grandfather could possibly know Levi and something about these... German monsters." Eren nodded, and Armin held up a third finger, "And three: the monsters, the eye-eaters. Where do They come in?"

"Levi said I brought a lot of Them with me," Eren muttered, ashamed, remembering how he'd endangered Armin further. "They follow depression and negative energy." 

Armin put a hand over Eren's, lacing their fingers. 

"It's not your fault. I've been having nightmares ever since I can remember. Even with just Levi." 

"...Still. I'm so sorry," Eren hung head, "If I hadn't come in the first place..."

"Okay, stop." Armin grabbed Eren's chin, pulling him to look at his shining eyes. "This is exactly what They want. They want you to feel bad, to feel negative and depressed. Don't let Them win."

Armin was right, Eren thought, but that was easier said than done. His depression didn't have an OFF switch.

"And the book," Armin went on when Eren finally heaved a sigh and nodded, "...The book is the key that ties this all together. It's Grandfather's, he brought it up with him when I had another nightmare, when the monsters attacked."

Eren clenched his jaw and yanked Armin to his feet. 

"We need to find that book."

"Quietly," Armin hissed and they took their time walking down the steps. "He's a pretty heavy sleeper, but still."

Heart pounding in his chest and ears, Eren turned to Armin, silent as he gestured to Grandfather's door. 

"It's nearly three in the morning," Armin mouthed and Eren nodded, "So he shouldn't be awake." 

"I'll get it," Eren mouthed back, pointing to his chest. "Stay here." 

He took a deep breath, yawning and blinking back tears before turning the knob on Grandfather's door. The hinges creaked and the boys froze. After a minute of unbroken snoring and no sharp reprimand, Eren opened the door further. For a few minutes, Eren stood and waited for his sight to adjust and heart to calm down. He felt like he was playing a video game with one life left before game over. 

Behind him, Armin nudged him between the shoulder blades. 

"Go." He whispered and Eren jumped at the noise. He glared at the blond until Armin rolled his eyes and pushed him inside. 

On the bed, Grandfather laid curled in a thin sheet, window open, same shells shining in the dim moonlight. The far-off waves felt like an annoying buzz inside Eren's head as he took careful steps inside. He could see the dark book under the bed, golden, worn letters catching the soft light from the hallway. 

Eren looked back to Grandfather's face and Armin periodically as he crouched, knees cracking. He snapped his mouth shut and held his breath. A breeze caressed the fine hairs on his neck and arms, sending a chill through his bones. Stomach dropping as Grandfather shuffled away from the cold breeze, Eren didn't dare blink. 

Grandfather settled, snoring back and louder than ever a moment later. Letting out the gust of breath, Eren leaned to grab the book. 

A pale hand grabbed him instead. 

-

Holding up the book, Grandfather glared at the two boys sitting across from him on the wicker couch. 

"Care to explain?" He snapped and they both flinched, cheeks flushed in shame. "You woke me up in the middle of the night with screaming, trying to grab my  _private journal_ and you have nothing to say?" 

Eren ducked his head down further, stomach and mind in shambles. He had been sure the book had something to do with the monsters. And what about that picture? This didn't make sense. 

"Grandfather, I'm sor—"

"Don't," He interrupted Armin and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Just don't Armin. No excuses. This is utterly shocking to me." 

"Armin didn't," Eren stopped when Grandfather shot him a hostile look, "I-I mean, it was my fault." 

"Your fault?" Grandfather repeated, "Eren, you should have known better." 

Catching a golden glint on the spine of the book, Eren sat up, heart racing again. 

"What's _Teufel_?" Eren cut in, "It's on your book, it sounds German." 

Armin sat up, his eyes wide and searching for the title, but Grandfather pulled it away. 

"You're pushing your luck, Eren."

"What are you hiding?" Eren stood and made to grab the book, but the old man quickly stepped out of reach, face wrinkled and angry. 

"Eren, wait!" Armin said, standing next to him, "It's probably just a coincidence." He muttered but Eren shook his head. 

Pointing to the book, Eren said, "Levi grabbed me from under the bed, to keep me from getting that book. I recognized his hand." 

Grandfather sucked in a breath and muttered, "That devil." 

Both Armin and Eren whipped their heads to him, "What did you say?" Eren whispered, anger rising. "You know Levi, don't you?" 

Grumbling, Grandfather sat heavily on the leather sofa and glared up the stairs. 

"Stay away from him." He said. "He's dangerous." 

"What!" Eren snapped, "Levi's the least dangerous person here!" 

"You don't know what he is," Grandfather quickly pushed back, gripping the book, "You don't know what he did." 

"Grandfather," Armin jumped in, voice weak, "You know? About everything? And you've kept it to yourself?" 

"It's better this way," Grandfather visibly softened and crumbled, suddenly exhausted. The book nearly slipped from his fingers and Eren watched it, eager to grab it the moment Grandfather forgot. "That evil demon should have stayed in the shadows." 

"That's enough," Eren turned his eyes back to Grandfather, livid. "Levi is  _not_ a monster and this isn't his fault. The monsters are here because of me and I freed Levi." 

"You freed him from  _Their_ prison." Grandfather sighed, "He shouldn't have gotten captured in the first place. Or still visited you afterwards. I didn't think he'd keep talking to you, so I didn't do anything," He explained, "But last night was the last straw. Stay away from him, Eren." 

Piecing together Grandfather's hateful words, Eren stumbled back into Armin, who yipped as his foot was crushed. 

"So you told him to stay away from me, you told him to send me away?"

"I told him to never show himself to you boys again. He'll get you killed if he doesn't." Grandfather stood again, book firmly hidden behind his back. "Don't look for him again, Eren. Forget these imaginary monsters. They're just a nightmare and will go away. You're only children."

Bristling under the old man's degrading words, Eren struggled not to cry. 

"Go to bed and forget about him. Or I will kill him." 

Eren didn't stay long enough to let them stop him. He stormed the stairs, heaving as he went, and shut his bedroom door. 

"Levi!" He yelled. 

A shuddering click answered instead, a dragging of flesh on wood. His insides went cold.

It wasn't Levi.

-

The monsters were close, a tight circle. Pale, thin arms reached for him, long black claws pointing to his eyes. He trembled on the floor. They were more visible, nearly skeletons, sinister grins wider than ever. The empty sockets threatened to fill as they walked closer. 

A sudden surge of warmth in his chest had him standing. 

He screamed and They fled, inhuman screeches he'd never forget ringing in his ears. 

-

He woke on the floor, body overheated and shaking. His bedroom door was shut, locked, and holding deep scratches in the wood. Had he done that? Why was he on the floor? Where was Armin?

Eren sat up to quickly, his head spinning and stomach ready to empty. 

A soft scratching, weak and penned by an unsteady hand appeared at his feet. He was in front of the open closet. 

 **They're gone**.

Sitting on the floor, Eren remembered. He sucked in a sharp breath and rattled out a sob, hands over his eyes. 

"Oh my god," He whispered, "Levi, please come out! I need you..." He trailed off, afraid to blink, afraid of the darkness the monsters threatened to consume. 

Levi didn't answer and Eren shook violently. 

"W-Wait! Grandfather, he said—" Eren cut off, anger cutting through his fear like a knife, "He said y-you... he told you to stay away from me!" 

A susurrated breath was his only answer. 

"You can't do this to me, Levi!" Eren yelled, "He's wrong! I haven't had a single nightmare since I've met you, so... please, come out. I need you!" His voice cracked over his last words, but silence swallowed them. 

More scratching and new words appeared under Levi's first:  **I'm sorry. I can't, Eren.**

"No!" Smacking the floor, Eren stood and walked into the dark closet, forcing himself to shut the door and not worry about eye-eaters. "S-Stop being a coward! You said I'd fall if I were alone! Won't you too?" 

Holding his breath, his tears, his desperate screams to make Levi understand, Eren waited. He looked everywhere, through the clothes, behind suitcases, but stood rooted. He knew Levi was thinking over his words, the air shifting and making him sick. 

"Close your eyes," Levi's voice was full of sorrow and shame, "Eren, close them." 

Obeying, he snapped his eyes shut and could feel the exact moment Levi reappeared. He shot forward and wrapped his arms around Levi, taller than the man, but still short enough to tuck his nose into his neck. Underneath him, Levi froze and rattled an inhuman, guttural hiss of surprise. Eren didn't even flinch, only hugging him tighter. 

"Y-Y-You asshole!" Eren knew he was crying, but he couldn't tell if they were happy or sad tears. 

He was angry at Levi, at Grandfather, at the monsters, but mostly, he was angry with himself. But he got Levi back and that was enough. 

"Don't do that to me again," Eren sniffed and ran his fingers through Levi's long hair in a feeble attempt to calm himself, "I can't lose you too." 

The man didn't speak, but slowly, shuddering and twitching, rested his arms around Eren. 

"Just hug me back, you idiot." Eren laughed wetly, throat thick, "You need it more than I do." 

Not expecting the strength or sudden crush, Eren gasped when Levi clung to him, digging his claws into his clothes. The man pressed his face in between Eren's chest and arm, breath shaking him like a leaf. Pots, pans, wind chimes, piano keys, and everything musical tumbled from Levi's mouth, vulnerable and terrified. The notes prickled the hairs on Eren's arms, so he hugged back with equal desperation. 

They didn't pull away for a long time. Eren didn't want to break it, not knowing how long Levi needed the hug but eventually, he began to hiccup and Levi loosened his grip. 

Eren laughed when he looked at Levi's face, seeing the man's lower lip wobble, pale cheeks dusted coral, eye sockets still hidden by the silk blindfold. 

"I missed you," Eren whispered and took a deep breath, struggling to gain back his equilibrium, to look away from Levi's face. "That... that was you, right? Downstairs in Grandfather's room?" 

Levi nodded but began opening mouth so Eren put a hand over it. The lips underneath his palm were soft and cold. 

"Don't apologize," Eren cut in, looking around the closet. "Let's... get you in some clothes okay? You've been naked this entire time and I can't..." He trailed off, embarrassed and unsure where he was taking that train of thought. Next to him, Levi nodded. 

Huffing an irritated sigh at himself, Eren opened the closet and grabbed his duffle from the bathroom. 

"I should have something that will fit," He said, digging through the bag, "You're big... but small." 

The man snorted, crossing his arms. Eren quickly looked away, refusing to look at the man's naked body. 

"Sorry," Eren offered instead to pave over his mistake and brain-fumble, "Try on This shirt and these jeans. The briefs are clean, too." 

Mouth twisting into a frown, Levi caught the clothes and examined them. A maroon, long sleeved shirt and a pair of his biggest jeans would hopefully fit the athletic man. Scratching the back of his head, Eren turned around. 

When Eren turned back around, his mouth gaped open. Levi looked completely human, claws tucked away in his fists, only the blindfold ruining the image. His long hair was also a bit unnatural, reaching the base of his very long spine, but Eren supposed a haircut could wait. 

First, Grandfather was going to apologize and fucking  _explain_.

"Wait," Levi finally said and Eren paused, halfway to the bedroom door. "Not yet." His voice was still singing in high notes of chimes, "I have to tell you something." 

"Tell me what?" He turned back to the man, confused.

"...How I know Armin's Grandfather... and about my lover." 

Eren's stomach sunk at the word 'lover' and he didn't know why. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: While I breathe, I hope
> 
> Yep so Grandfather isn't who you think he is and finally, Levi tells Eren the truth. Big, BIG chapter next! It'll explain a good portion of the plot. Then some more horror lol
> 
> Penny for your thoughts?


	13. aqua regia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: emotional chapter ahead! Mentions of suicide and abuse.

Similar to the night in the closet with Armin, Eren felt his mind grow irrationally angry. He felt betrayed. Again, he was reminded that he wasn't the only person Levi knew or cared for (dare he think Levi cared for him? It made him feel warm, so why not). The man was finally dressed, looking human, but Eren could see how scared he was. His lips were thin and his chin was trembling. If Eren could see his eyes, he would guess he was crying. 

Immediately, he wanted to comfort the man, but something held him back. His anger reminded him that in spite of everything Levi did for him, he also did the same things for everyone else. And shamefully, he held onto that selfish desire to be the only one who mattered to Levi. 

"...Lover?" Eren managed, voice tight and controlled. 

Levi nodded and made to crouch, but the pants were too tight, so he settled for the bed. Eren watched him, vaguely registering that Levi looked strange in the light, doing something so normal and mundane. 

"I wasn't always a monster." Levi said. 

Eren clenched his jaw. "You're not a monster, Levi." 

The man's mouth twitched with the edge of a smile and Eren took that as personal victory despite how quickly it faded. Levi tugged on the hem of his borrowed shirt and exhaled through his mouth. 

"I was human and pretty fuckin' stupid." Eren snapped his head back in shock, but Levi continued on looking down, "His name was Erwin." 

When Eren didn't move or say anything, Levi nervously lifted his head. Unsure if he needed a verbal sign to continue, Eren nodded, hoping that was the right thing to do. Maybe he thought Eren would judge him having a man as a partner.

"And I loved him." His voice rang sadly, like wind chimes at a funeral. Eren felt his own heart tug at the mental image and the way Levi used past tense. 

"I thought everything was fine," The man went on, fingers now over the silk blindfold. "But Erwin… he... I sent him over the edge. It was on that balcony." He pointed to Eren’s balcony, overlooking the ocean. 

Eren sucked in a breath. 

As if he’d been hit over the head with a brick, his head exploded in pain. He clutched his forehead, leaning over. He remembered that dream, when he had first met Levi. A man was pushed from the balcony, a rope around his neck. And beside him, another man had screamed and wailed. Had that been Erwin and Levi? How did he even know that, weren't those just dreams? 

"I fell," Levi said, "I refused to eat, to speak. I was nothing without him. So They found me. They drove me to madness and took my eyes. I became a monster."

"B-But, you’re not. I mean, you’re Levi. You remember who you are, you protected Armin… you’re my friend." Eren walked forward, hands outstretched, but Levi flinched. He turned away, hands fully covering his face. His claws were in stark contrast with his pale skin.

"Because I still loved him, I held onto part of my humanity." Levi's answer was muffled as he shook against the bedpost. "I never truly fell, but it was enough... Then he found me." 

"Who found you?" 

"Armin’s grandfather." His voice was strained, as if remembering a horrible memory.

"He… found you? How?" 

"Erwin was his brother."

Mouth hanging open in shock, Eren tripped over his own feet and landed on his rear. He yelped, the sharp sting of wood on flesh making Levi rise. He held out a shaking hand, but Eren just stared. Slowly, Levi let his arm drop and he took a few steps back, chin wobbling again. 

"I'm sorry," The man said, his voice in shreds as if dehydrated. "I should have told you." 

He needed to do something, but he couldn't get to his feet. Absolutely confused, but still somehow comprehensive, Eren swallowed. 

"D-Don't apologize," Eren croaked and cleared his throat, "I mean, that's your b-business." 

Levi walked backwards until he hit the balcony doors, the glass rattling. Eren stood, wobbling, as the man went rigid and began to tremble even harder. 

There was a loud bang and they both snapped their heads to the door. 

"What's going on in there? Eren!" It was Grandfather, pounding against the wood, "Unlock this door! You've been in here an hour!" 

"Grandfather, wait," Armin's voice was nearly drowned out through the bangs, sounding scared, "Levi won't hurt him." 

"He'd better not," Grandfather smacked on the door one last time before huffing, "Eren, please, open the door. We heard a noise and you yelling!" 

"I'm fine!" Eren yelled back, not sure how he managed to sound so level. "Go away!" 

"Eren," Grandfather pressured, "He's a monster. He cannot be trusted, not after what he's done." 

Still shaking on the balcony doors, Levi grabbed onto Eren's arm whispering, "Let him in." 

"No," Eren hissed back, but didn't shake him off. "He's done nothing but lie to us." 

"I made a promise," Levi insisted, speaking low. "I k-killed his brother, Eren." 

"Wha—"

The bedroom door swung open, Grandfather putting away a flash of gold, no doubt a spare key. Armin looked panicky and apologetic, flailing behind his grim grandfather. 

"Get away from him," Grandfather snapped, "You didn't listen to me, Levi." 

"I... I'm sorry." The man muttered and ducked his chin into his collarbones, while Eren looked back and forth between the two. 

"Don't blame him!" Eren then stood in front of Levi, shielding him with his body, "I made him do it. He didn't do anything wrong." 

Armin moved to go to Eren, but Grandfather threw out an arm and caught him around the waist. 

"Don't get any closer to that devil," Levi flinched at the words and Eren's rage boiled within his chest, "He's dangerous." 

"I'm... I'm n-not—"

"He's a monster, Eren," Grandfather spoke over Levi's small voice, "Please, come here." 

"Grandfather, stop, please, Levi isn't..." Armin paused, biting his lip, "He's been protecting me."

"And me!" Eren went on when Armin's voice trailed off quietly, "You just don't know what's been happening. None of it is his fault!" 

"I know  _exactly_ what's going on," Grandfather's tone rose, the volume making Armin take a step back. Pointing a finger at Levi, he said, " _That monster_   _brought Them here_. And the only reason I haven't gotten rid of him is because of his promise to protect this family." 

Eren was furious, face a vibrant red. He took large steps forward, towering over Grandfather. The old man stumbled backwards out of the bedroom, Eren pushing Armin behind him, holding onto his wrist for support.

“So you’re using him? Instead of just killing the fucking monsters, you’re letting Levi slowly kill himself? What is wrong with you!”

"He killed my brother!" Grandfather shouted back, tears in his eyes, "That monster ruined our family! He's cursed this house and everyone in it!" 

Looking back at Levi, Eren's heart jolted. The man was on the floor, head in his hands, rocking back and forth in shame. Eren whipped his head right back to the man he thought he knew, the man he had respected and loved. This was just too much for him to forgive. 

"You're the monster!" Eren shouted and Grandfather stiffened, face pale, "If you think that justifies your actions, you're dead wrong. He's been suffering  _every night_  for the past eighteen years and probably more, all because of something he couldn't control! Levi didn't kill Erwin, the Au—those monsters did!"

He had nearly slipped up with the monster's name and suddenly of kilter, he leaned on Armin for support. His best friend squeaked, struggling to hold some of his weight. 

"You don't understand," Grandfather said in hushed tone, sliding a wrinkled hand down his face. "None of you understand." He wobbled away to the steps and without watching to make sure he made it down safely, Eren slammed the door shut. 

"Eren!" Armin yelled when he locked the door again, "He has a key! And what if he falls down the stairs?" 

Letting go of his wrist and ignoring him, Eren walked over to Levi. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and Levi lifted his head. 

"I'm—I'm a monster, Eren. Stop trying to be a hero." Levi breathed out and shook when Eren got onto his knees anyway. 

"I'm the furthest thing from a hero," Eren said softly, blinking back the tears forming from his yelling, "I'm so fucked up, I don't even have a chance at redemption." 

"Eren..." Armin quietly said, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

"But," Eren swallowed, stomach clenching and rolling at the comfort Armin offered and what he was going to say next. "You do. You didn't kill Erwin.  _They_  did." 

The man pushed Eren away, "He tied a rope around his neck, he jumped off that balcony," Levi pulled at his hair, sharp claws tearing his skin, "I drove him to commit suicide. I killed him. I killed him, Eren. And I can't ever forgive myself for it." 

"You didn't kill him," Eren repeated, "I saw it, They pushed him while you screamed at him to stop." 

Levi stopped hurting himself, pausing to stare directly at Eren through the blindfold. 

"It was fifty years ago," He whispered, "You weren't alive yet, Eren. _Stop lying to me_." Levi dug his claws back into his forearms, ripping through Eren's shirt. 

"I'm not lying," Eren pulled his hands away and watched the blood drip from the tips of the nails. He swallowed. "I wouldn't lie to you, Levi. I saw it happen. I don't know how, but I did. I've been having these dreams and..." He trailed off, "That's not important. But I remember clearly; I was on the beach watching it happen." 

Shaking his head and still rocking on his tailbone, Levi yanked his hands out of Eren's grip.

"Erwin had shaved blond hair and blue eyes," His rocking stopped with a gasp, "The rope was tied to the balcony and—“ Eren paused, gathering his courage, “And he was pushed. They didn't have eyes, it was Them, They pushed him and I-I watched you sob." Eren was tearing up, throat thick and sore just thinking about the sick crack of a severed neck and twitching feet. 

Behind him, Armin got on one knee and squeezed his shoulder, a silent reminder that he was there for comfort. Eren swallowed again and sniffed. 

"I'm sorry," Eren tried again, watching Levi sit frozen, mouth open in horror, "But somehow I saw what happened. You didn't kill him, Levi." 

-

The fingertips of dawn were reaching the horizon, the waves glittering in vermillion and gold, but Eren couldn't appreciate its beauty. 

Sitting on the balcony, he swung his legs back and forth. Back in his borrowed bedroom, Levi let Armin help him change out of his ripped shirt and into a new one. The man wouldn't talk and Armin wasn't about to make him. Eren, too angry and emotional over everything, had stormed out onto the balcony. Levi had flinched when the door slammed.

He was sorry, but then again, he wasn't. He didn't regret arguing with Grandfather or telling Levi what he saw. Levi needed to know, Grandfather needed to see how wrong he was, and letting out his built up stress and fear had done wonders. Mind slowly knitting together, he understood. The Augenfressers killed Erwin, made Levi into something bordering on human and demonic, and had taken his friend's eyes. They tortured Armin every night and  _fuck was he angry_. 

It was unfair. It was crazy and insane, but he had already been a bit mentally unsound in the first place, so why not throw monsters into the mix? 

Letting out a watery breath and sniffing because he was a fucking fountain now, Eren rested his head on the rails. Exhausted, but running on anger and fueled by hatred, he refused to fall asleep. Forcing himself to think about positive things, he wrung his fingers. Mikasa wrote him a letter, Armin believed him, Levi hadn't done anything wrong, his friends were still fighting against eye-eaters, and he was alive. It would be okay. Over and over, he repeated those words in his head until he almost believed them. 

"Eren?" 

Armin stepped through the doors, looking hesitant and pale. 

"Levi's gone back to the closet. He still won't talk to me." Armin said, voice soft and hurt. He began to sniff along with Eren and sat next to him, hugging his knees. "I thought that maybe he would. I mean, he's been watching over me my whole life. We used to talk to each other." He wiped his running nose on a sleeve, "But I guess not anymore." 

Shifting to bump his shoulder, Eren gave his best friend a shaking smile. 

"It's not your fault, I shouldn't have pushed him. And by pushing him, I don't mean literally, like I shouldn't have to told him everything I saw." Eren huffed, "I'm shutting up now because I'll just put my foot in my mouth again." 

A wet laugh and soft bump back. "You did the right thing or else he would have continued to blame himself." 

"Still," Eren knocked his forehead against the rails repeatedly, "I feel like an asshole." 

"...You shouldn't have yelled at Grandfather," Armin began but cut off at Eren's vicious glare. 

"Don't defend him, Armin." 

"I'm not!" Armin hurriedly explained, "I agree with you, what he’s done is… terrible. Grandfather shouldn’t have done it. But I understand  _why_ he did.” 

It was the wrong thing to say. 

"That doesn’t justify him torturing someone Armin!" Eren snarled and Armin leaned away.

"Eren… Levi isn’t even human." 

"Go away, Armin." Eren snapped and the blond flinched.

He was too feral, angry, and chaotic to keep his words in check. He wanted to verbally hurt Armin. How dare he justify that just because Levi wasn’t entirely human, that he didn’t deserve life? 

But as Armin left, not even defending himself, Eren felt guilty. He too could understand why Grandfather had done it. Protecting his family, those he cared about was something Eren could absolutely understand, but at the cost of somebody else's life... that's where he drew the line.

Levi wasn't a monster. Why was everybody so insistent on blaming him? Just because it was easier? Because Levi wouldn’t defend himself?

He sat for half an hour, pulling out his hair, hurting himself against the rail, kicking, thinking over everything and trying to piece together the mystery that was Levi. Levi had to have been an amazing man. He was gentle, strong enough to kill, but kind enough to keep his strength in check. He was annoyingly self-sacrificing and a martyr Eren wasn’t willing to let go of.

He stood from the rails, legs asleep and wobbled into the doors. The glass rattled and Eren grunted. When the feeling came back and he went back into the bedroom, Levi was standing by the closet door worrying his bottom lip. 

"I...I just fell over," Eren explained, cheeks warm, "I'm okay." 

Levi jerked his head in an affirmation before walking back into the closet. 

"Wait, Levi!" Eren said, following him, looking around the room for Armin. The blond wasn't there. "Did Armin leave?" 

Already sitting on the floor, absently scratching deep grooves into the wood, Levi didn't answer. Eren sighed before sitting next to him, knees protesting. When he looked back at Levi, he rested his cheek on a hand, taking his appearance in.

The shirt’s sleeves were rolled up now, bearing his hairless forearms, no longer injured. They were strong, beautiful, and Eren suddenly had another flash of the past—they had to be the past—and he was looking down at his own forearms, another’s hands over his. They held each other, fingers tangled. But then Eren blinked and the vision was gone. Levi swam into view.

Eren spoke first.

"I'm sorry." His voice cracked, still watery and thick from his emotions and the turmoil of the fact that Grandfather wasn’t whom he thought he was.

Levi’s throat rumbled something attuned to a cat purring and it made Eren’s heart tickle and laugh.

"Eren," Levi began, but Eren quickly shut him down, pressing on his shoulder.

"Don’t." He was still on the edge, looking down at the cliff of insanity and debating whether or not to jump. He needed safety and a reassurance that they could do this. "Just… stay with me. You’re the only one making sense around here—for the most part—and I need to calm down." He coughed slightly and Levi stopped his scratching.

"I… I don’t know why." Eren continued on, "But you always manage to make me calm."

Levi didn't say anything, but he increased the pressure on Eren’s shoulder, a light press of muscle on muscle, borrowed shirt on shirt, a reassurance and confession—if he dared to think it—that Eren calmed him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: royal water
> 
> Flashback about Levi's life up next! *whispers* remember how I mentioned he had been a monster for 50 years? Well, we're going back 50 years, to the late 1940's! *\\(^_^)/* Just imagine: SUSPENDERS AND CIGARETTES AND SLICKED HAIR AND THE END OF WWII I'M FLAILING IM SO EXCITED
> 
> Also, it has come to my attention through a few comments that I did not tag 'levi/erwin' and in no way was I trying to deceive you (especially if it is your notp). I personally don't ship eruri much, mostly platonic, and I know quite a few of you readers don't either. So here is my official apology: I'm so sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I honestly could /not/ tag it, as it would ruin a very key point of the plot and this fic is a mystery/thriller. It's very difficult to tag stuff without giving anything away. I didn't throw in eruri just for kicks. Their relationship is important to the plot.  
> I just want to make sure nobody felt tricked. Friendly reminder: the only tagged relationship is ereri. It will end with ereri and that is that.  
> So, with that said, again, sorry! And if you don't care, sorry if you read all of this. lol


	14. hic et nunc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: racial slurs, suicide, and longest chapter ahead! 
> 
> And how I imagine Levi in the 1940's: [here](http://cotttontale.tumblr.com/post/85032433055/ladykyuubi-source).

"Levi," Eren began, sleepy and yawning behind his hand as he put his head on Levi's shoulder, "What was it like?" 

The man shifted uncomfortably, clothes no doubt foreign on his skin after so many years bare.

"What was what like?" Levi answered back softly. 

"Your life, fifty years ago." Eren blinked and his vision swam, but he didn't want to sleep just yet. "That was... what? 1948?" 

"Yes," Levi hummed in affirmation and the inhuman purr made Eren's forearms break out in gooseflesh. "It was a long time ago." 

Eren, hoping he wasn't crossing boundaries, but infinitely curious, lifted his head. "Do you mind telling me about it?"

"I do," Levi answered truthfully and Eren felt his hopeful heart collapse. "But... you deserve to know." 

"You don't owe me anything," Eren mumbled and put down his temple back on Levi's shoulder. He was still somehow cold even with clothes. "If you don't want to tell me, it's okay. I just want to know more about you." 

The shoulder underneath his head stiffened and an eerie string of chords left Levi's throat. Losing the original shock from the abnormality of the noises, Eren decided he liked them. Levi's human tendencies were hard to read compared to the warm sounds of music. There was something great, yet terrible about them. 

"...I met Erwin in 1943." Levi said and Eren felt his whimsey crash and burn. He had forgotten about the ugly, cruel feeling that filled his chest whenever he thought of Levi's past lover. 

"But what about you?" Eren spoke over Levi's musical notes, "Start from the beginning. Like... when were you born? Where did you live? Favorite color?" 

Swallowing his embarrassment from his last question, Eren moved to sit comfortably against the closet's wall. The hanging clothes tickled his neck, so he shifted closer to Levi. 

"I was..." Levi began, but paused. "It's hard to remember. I haven't thought about it... in fifty years..." Eren waited patiently, sniffing to keep back the heavy aftermath of a breakdown. "I was born December 25th, 1921." 

"1921! Christmas!" Eren lit up, grinning, "So you're..." Counting in his head, Eren took a moment. "Sorry, I'm bad at math." He explained when Levi rumbled in confusion. 

"Seventy-six." Levi supplied and Eren ducked his head before giving him a shy smile. 

"Wow, that's a long time. And I thought eighteen was old." 

A clear chime of glass on glass broke through his embarrassment as Levi nodded his head, amused. 

"I was twenty-two," Voice stronger now, pressure on his shoulder constant, Levi started up again, "When we moved to the US." 

Curiosity back, Eren sat up, "Where did you live before?" 

"I don't remember. But I think we moved because of the war." 

"The war?" Eren's jaw dropped, "That's right, you'd have been right in the middle of World War II." 

"I didn't serve," He answered Eren's silent question, "I had bad... lungs." 

"Oh, so like asthma." Eren sat back against the wall and put his head on his shoulder again without thinking, "I guess that makes sense. But did you want to?" 

Levi hummed, "I didn't at first. But when Erwin said he had to go back," Eren bit the inside of his cheek to keep from frowning, "I wanted to go and make sure the moron didn't get himself killed." 

Barking out a startled laugh, Eren instantly felt better. 

"But they wouldn't let me enlist." Levi sighed and put a clawed hand to his chest, as if his lungs were still closing in on him. "So I waited for him. He came back in '45, but only for a little while... and his family didn't like me."

Eren pressed his knee against Levi's before asking, "Grandfather?" 

"Him especially," Levi answered, "But his father was the worst. He... didn't know that Erwin and I were together until '48, the year I... changed." 

Immediately, Eren's insides shrank. Homosexuality wouldn't have been tolerated in that time period. He knew the fear and the constant hatred that accompanied him whenever people knew. But he couldn't imagine what Levi went through. 

"How'd you meet?" Eren breathed, ignoring his sick stomach, "You and Erwin?" 

This time, Levi put his head on Eren's shoulder and Eren forced himself to breathe normally. 

"The moron threw up on me." 

-

**1943, California**

Uncle Sam pointed to him, ridiculous red, white, and blue outfit clawing at Levi's eyes. Gifting the poster a middle finger, Levi slid onto the bar's counter. He took off his jacket and ignored the snort from his neighbor at his braces. 

"Suspenders are old-hat," The man began, already drunk at five o' clock. He blinked a few good times at Levi while he ordered a drink. "The fuck is a Jap like you doin' here?" 

The once relaxed atmosphere quieted, the bartender pausing as he poured liquor. Holding back the urge to start another bar fight, Levi shot him a glare. 

"I'm Jewish, moron." Levi snapped, keeping silent how he was only half. 

The man looked apologetic for a moment before shrugging, lighting an unfiltered cigarette. The bar went back to a low buzz, uniformed soldiers hanging on women and their drinks. 

"Haven't seen you around before," The man went on, "You a soldier?" 

At Levi's clenched jaw, the man put up his hands in surrender, but only managed to knock over his empty glass. 

"Horsefeathers," He hissed and licked whatever drops of liquor landed on his hand. "'Nother round, Steve." He told the bartender and then turned back to Levi. He offered a hand. "I'm Nile."

Only glancing at his hand, the one Nile had licked, Levi nodded before tossing back his drink.

"Levi."

Inhaling his cigarette, Nile hummed. "You new to town?"

Levi only nodded.

"Neat," Nile went on and politely exhaled his drag away from Levi's face, "You move 'cause of the war?"

Again, Levi nodded and took another drink. Nile, too drunk to care about Levi's manners, swallowed his now full glass. 

"Smart man," Nile swiveled his chair to stare at the crowded bar, "The dames here are swell." 

Annoyed and still too sober, Levi finished his drink and slid a few bucks to cover his tab. 

"Leavin'?" Nile asked and tipped his head before taking another drag. "Good, more broads for me." He watched Levi slip back on his jacket. "Welcome to 'Merica, son." 

"Home of the free." Levi mocked and tossed Nile a sarcastic two-fingered salute. 

"Damn straight." 

Finally out of the smoky bar, Levi let himself cough and catch his breath. Calmly, he tried to inhale the sea breeze and let his lungs unclench. For a long minute, he leaned on the building and smoothed his slick hair back in place. When he could breathe normally, he pushed off the building and walked down the sidewalk. So close to the beach, he could hear the waves and the military patrols on the coast. 

"Wait!" He heard and not willing to deal with anymore racist assholes, Levi kept on walking. "Wait, you! Stop walkin' so fast!" 

Pulling to a sudden stop, Levi turned around. A tall, blond soldier all in uniform jogged to him and held one hand on his stomach, the other towards Levi.

"You forgot this," The blond man looked a little sick, but genuinely polite. In his outstretched hand was... nothing. 

"What?" Levi's eye twitched. 

"Sorry, I got so lost in your eyes, I forgot my chat-up line." 

Shocked, Levi took a step back. 

"Andddd I'm drunk," The blond went on, his grin all teeth and charm. "Sorry 'bout this." 

"Sorry about wh—shit!" 

The man emptied his stomach on Levi's shoes. 

-

"Sorry 'bout your shoes." 

"Can it." 

"I'll pay for them."

" _Can it_ , moron." 

The blond soldier leaned away from Levi, giving him a glazed stink-eye. 

"Are you sure you're drunk?" Levi only lifted his bottle in reply and the soldier shrugged, "You're one of  _those_ then." 

"One of what, huh? Got somethin' to say, you damn Aryan?" Levi snapped back. 

Frowning, the soldier said, "Unnecessary. And I mean't you're one of those lecture-y drunks. Ya' know, the guys who get completely ossified and lecture you for two hours on the importance of clean underpants."

Shrugging, Levi kicked out a socked-foot. That sounded like him.

"Can I get your name?" 

"No." Levi took another drink from the bottle and kept it out of reach when the soldier made to grab it. "You've had enough. You upchucked enough food on me to fuel my hatred for you for nine lifetimes." 

"My name's Erwin." 

"I didn't ask for it." Levi insisted and leaned on the man's windshield, sitting atop the hood of his car. 

Erwin sighed and leaned back, stretching to move his arm around Levi's shoulders. Sitting up, Levi dropped their booze and smacked Erwin's arm away. 

"What're you doing?" 

"Flirtin'." 

"Well, stop." Levi hissed, looking around. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"No," Erwin tried to sit up, but he slipped down the windshield and hood, too drunk to function properly on a slick car. Giving up, he caught Levi's eyes. "I saw you at the bar with Nile and... I don't know..." His words began to slur and Levi was close to just leaving the moron, "You're pretty spiffy." 

"Spiffy?" Rolling his eyes, Levi sat back. "That's the best you've got? I still don't believe you." 

"Okay wise guy," Erwin grunted as he shifted back to a more comfortable position. "Maybe this will help." 

Erwin went in for his lips and without thinking Levi punched him in the kisser. 

-

**1945, California**

At the local cinema, Erwin trailed behind his angry boyfriend. 

"The fuck!" Levi snapped, people shooting him dirty looks, but he ignored his surroundings. "They killed his mom!" 

"It was just a movie," The soldier reminded him, but didn't stop the man from jumping in his car and slamming the door. He followed after a tense moment. "He made friends, afterwards." 

Levi looked scandalized, "They fuckin’ shot her!" 

"They did." Erwin laughed. Levi punched him in the arm. 

"Terrible," Levi went on, "Fuckin’ terrible, what a waste. Hate that movie."

"Ah," They snapped their heads to Levi's window, "You saw  _Bambi_ , then?" 

"What're you doing here?" Levi mumbled. 

Hanji poked up her glasses, grinning, "I am off duty until deployment in March." 

"Wanna get a soda with us at the drugstore?" Erwin offered even though Levi shot him a quick look. Hanji shook her head. 

"Can't sorry, workin' on this seminar for newly drafted nurses," Hanji said, "Got an early mornin'." 

"They put you in charge of an important seminar?" Levi said in disbelief, but the French-woman just beamed. 

"Oh yes, I'm rather important ya' know." She flexed her arm, pulling up her sleeve in a mock motion of Rosie the Riveter. Erwin snorted. "Gal power." 

Starting the car, Erwin waved as Hanji straightened and tried to hug Levi through the door. He quickly tried to roll up the glass, but Hanji managed to mess up his hair. 

"Oh, applesauce!" Hanji swore and cackled when Levi flipped her off, flattening his hair. "Bye!" 

Levi pulled out a cigarette when they got on the road, but Erwin quickly snatched it out of his hands. 

"Oh come on," Levi argued, but the blond ignored him, tucking the unfiltered stick in his breast pocket. "Just one, Cowboy." 

"No," Erwin insisted, "You can hardly breathe in a bar. What'll happen if you directly smoke one?" 

"We'll never know now, will we?" Levi muttered and leaned his temple on the cold window. "Where we goin' anyway?" 

"Drugstore," The soldier answered, "Get some sodas." 

Levi snorted, "You know you're only proving your nickname, Drugstore Cowboy." 

"Yeah, well, I'm not goin' there to pick up dames." 

"Damn straight," Levi said and then smirked when Erwin groaned, "It was funny, moron, let me have at least  _some_ fun after that abomination you call a movie." 

"Fine, we wont go to the drugstore, I get it." Erwin turned down a different street, parallel to the ocean. "What about meetin' my folks?" 

Stiffening, Levi gave Erwin a glare. "They won't like it, Erwin. I thought we were gonna keep this a secret." 

Parking near the coast, Erwin turned off the car. He turned to his boyfriend, who leaned away and crossed his arms. 

"They'll love you," Erwin assured, "They'll have to... I mean… I love you." 

Sucking in a sharp breath, Levi knocked his knee on the dashboard while Erwin looked away, cheeks red. 

"We've been cruisin' for two years," Erwin went on when Levi remained silent. "And... I'm leaving in March." 

" _What_?" 

Heart thumping and jaw sore from frowning, Levi leaned forward. Erwin's shoulders were hunched and his mouth was open, but he didn't speak. 

"You're leaving?" Levi whispered. 

"Y-Yes," Erwin's deep voice was tight and scared. "I have to go back. But we have two months." 

"Two months?" Levi threw off his seatbelt and opened the door, "I can't do this." 

"Wait!" Erwin shot out of the car, "Levi, please, wait for me. The war is almost over!" 

Levi froze, about to slam the car door. Slowly, he turned around, eyes wet and cheeks flushed. 

"I love you, Levi. Wait for me." 

"I... I don't know if I can." Levi replied, looking to the waves when hurt flashed across his boyfriend's face. "What if you're killed? What if you don't come back? You could lose an arm, a leg, or your stupid head!" 

The soldier straightened and gave Levi a sad, wobbling smile. With his chin up, he walked to him. Levi took a step back, always a habit since Erwin's drunken escapades. 

"You're all I have." Erwin admitted and grabbed Levi's shaking hands. "I don't care if I lose an arm... just don't make me lose you too." 

"Why should I listen to you?" Levi sniffed and blinked back his tears. 

"Because I want you to." He whispered. 

-

**1948, California**

The three-story beach house was painted all white, powder blue ceilings outside, with sea shells outlining the rails. Nearest the front door, yellow shells were ordered from darkest to lightest. Eyeing the weird art, Levi trailed behind Erwin as he went up the steps. 

"Nobody will be home for a while," Erwin's voice was strange, shoulder's now constantly slumped, but he still shot Levi a smile. "My father is out with my brother and my mother should be at the factory." 

"Okay..." Levi didn't know what to say, but his pulse jumped when Erwin opened the door. "Are you sure it's..." 

"Yeah, it's fine Levi." 

"Sorry," Levi mumbled.

Without closing the door, Erwin walked up the steps. Grumbling, Levi kicked off his shoes and hung his jacket by the door, sliding off his braces to drape around his waist. Levi walked up the stairs, rolling his shoulders, familiar enough with the house to remember Erwin lived on the third floor. 

"When are you moving out?" Levi called, but Erwin didn't answer. "Erwin, where the fuck did you go?" 

"Bathroom," The soldier answered and Levi walked into the bedroom, past the closet and to the bathroom. He could hear a dull buzz. 

"What are you—Erwin!" Levi jumped into the bathroom and unplugged the clippers. "What are you doing!" 

"Shaving my hair," Erwin replied and plugged the gadget back in the wall, "It's been annoying me."

Levi choked on air and crossed his arms, "What's wrong? You've been acting strange lately. You love your hair, you egotist." 

Clutching onto the clippers, Erwin set his jaw and clicked them back on. Without answering, he continued to shave off his hair and brush away the strays off his shoulders. Levi stepped out of the way, holding back to the urge to sneeze. 

"Cowboy," Levi's voice was gentle, "I love you, please, tell me what's wrong." 

Finishing his haircut, Erwin turned off the clippers and stole a quick, deep kiss. 

"I'm fine." He walked out of the bathroom and to the closet. "Just tired. Can you go downstairs and get me a clean towel?" His voice cracked and when Levi didn't move, he turned around. "Please, Levi." 

"Okay... but... why?" 

"Because I want you to." 

Frowning, Levi turned around, "Fine." 

Not sure why Erwin wanted towels from downstairs when there was a linen closet by his brother's room, Levi bit his lip as he trotted down the steps. Something was off and Erwin wouldn't talk to him. A hollow ache ate at his heart as he looked through the second floor laundry closet. There were no towels. 

"Swell," Levi sneered and slammed the door. "Just great." 

Going back upstairs, he grabbed towels from his brother's bathroom. 

"I got your fuckin'... Erwin?" He walked into the bathroom, but he wasn't there. The closet was open, but empty. "Erwin, quit fuckin' around, okay?" 

A flash of movement caught his eye, through the balcony doors. Heart caught in his throat, Levi dropped the towels and ran to the balcony. 

"Erwin! No, stop! W-W-What are you—" Levi choked on his words, "Get down! Please, talk to me!" 

The soldier was standing on the edge, balancing on the edge. His hands were tied, neck holding a rough noose. Crying and gasping, Erwin looked forward to the ocean. 

"Erwin!" Levi sobbed and fell to his knees as his lover ignored him, "Erwin, please! D-Don't do this! I love you! Come down!" 

Hands outstretched, Levi watched Erwin tip harshly over the edge. Wailing, he heard the snap and he didn't know if it was Erwin's neck or his heart. 

-

**1998, California**

Eren held onto Levi's hand the man shook silently, reliving the event that tore his life apart. 

Heart in shreds, the boy held on and refused to let go. 

"I'm so sorry," Eren whispered, but the words felt like ash in his mouth. "Levi..." 

"H-His family found me on the balcony," Levi went on, voice thick and ringing with grief, "Grandfather first." 

Sucking in a breath, Eren waited. He could imagine a younger Grandfather reaching the balcony and seeing Levi sob and pull at the taut noose. Stomach sick and on the verge of tears himself, he squeezed Levi's hand. 

"It's okay," Eren said when the man stayed silent, "You don't have to tell me. I understand." 

Levi nodded, biting his lip to the point Eren thought he'd pierce the fragile skin. 

"He sounds like an amazing man," Eren went on, "Especially the puking on your shoes thing. A+ pick-up strategy. I should try it sometime." 

Holding back a watery laugh, Levi sniffed and nodded again. 

"The important thing is..." Gathering his courage and his thoughts, Eren pulled Levi closer, "Is that you had good memories with him. That wasn't his choice. The monsters pushed him and it wasn't your fault. He loved you, Levi." 

Rubbing the blindfold, Levi pulled away and shook his head. 

"That's just it... he didn't." 

"What?" Eren breathed, "Of course he did!" 

Levi swallowed, "He didn't. The monsters," He paused, throat sticking, "T-They can't touch—I mean, they're weakness... is love." 

"...What? I-I thought you said you'd forgotten how to beat them." 

"I'm sorry," Levi croaked, "I-I didn't completely fall because I still loved him and I haven't since because I love Armin enough to keep pieces of my humanity." 

"So when you said I couldn't fight them alone," Eren put A and B together slowly, "You mean't literally. I have to love somebody to beat them." 

"Yes," Pulling away, Levi buried his head between his knees, "But not like your love for Armin or your friends. It has to be unconditional love." 

Eren stayed silent and numb against the closet wall, mouth hanging open. But if unconditional love could kill the monsters, then how'd Levi fall in the first place? 

"I had doubts," Voice a mess of bells and breaking glass, Levi rocked back and forth, answering Eren's silent question. "I didn't love Erwin enough to save him. I killed him, Eren. _I killed him_." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: here and now
> 
> I wanted to keep the eruri short and to the point enough to show their relationship. It connects back to earlier to chapters (if you noticed kudos) and I only put in the necessary points. But I really just wanted to show Levi's personality before everything and how he refuses to believe he didn't kill Erwin. Also, I used my own experiences with drunks. They're either the best or worst people ever. No in between. And I love the idea of Hanji being a nurse in the war! Hell yeah, they were rad and fucking amputated people on the spot. It seemed to fit. :) 
> 
> I kept forgetting to link this amazing gif, so go look and be thoroughly creeped out. They drew the Augenfressers /exactly/ how I imagined: [fanart](http://hypermanica.tumblr.com/post/84731076149/inspiration-augenfresser-author-cottontale) by hypermanica
> 
> Also, [fanart](http://thedarkalice.tumblr.com/post/85506591211/originally-posted-at-my-other-account) by thedarkalice! It's so great, LEVI WITH A BLINDFOLD *flails*
> 
> I apologize for the racial slurs, but that's how the '40's were. AND YES IF YOU DIDN'T NOTICE I FUCKING HATE BAMBI AGGGHHHH!
> 
> [[WWII detailed timeline](http://www.ushmm.org/wlc/en/article.php?ModuleId=10007306)]


	15. carpe noctem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can thank renless for this update and for saving my ass

There wasn't anything for him to do, but let Levi hold onto him. By this time, he was too far for Eren to reach. Levi had fifty years to think about that day, fifty years to agonize over something he thought he'd done, and fifty years to convince himself he was absolutely responsible. He was punishing himself for somebody else’s decision and ouch, that hit a little bit too close to home, so Eren comforted him the best he could. 

Woefully inexperienced in 'love', Eren could only look at the aftermath and hope he never fell in its clutches. 

Levi sat next to him, practically stitched to his side, holding a iron grip of fabric over his heart as he ached. Several times, Eren opened his mouth to say something; anything that could maybe break into the man’s grief but Levi seemed far away. He was too caught up in the past to pay attention to the present. 

Again, something cruel and ugly boiled in his belly at the thought of Levi and Erwin. Erwin had caused Levi so much pain and no matter what, Levi refused to let go of it. He was being unfair to Erwin, but Levi was the man he knew and he couldn't imagine ever hurting him. Holding back a yawn, Eren turned to him and risked everything. 

"Levi," He murmured, resting a hand on his cheek to angle his head, to make Levi look at him for once, "You can't blame yourself for any of this. He... The A—the monsters, manipulated him and you can't blame yourself. You loved him and he loved you." The words burned hot through his lips, and frustrated, Eren pushed his fingers through Levi's hair, tugging on the blindfold. "He wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

After the words left him, his vision flooded to a different picture of the past, chest expanding in awe. Levi was younger, sitting under his arm and smiling, his dimples making his heart flutter. He wanted to kiss them. But then he blinked, because of course good things never lasted too long for him, and the image was gone. The man, once again underneath his arm, letting his cheek rest in him palm, was trying to keep in his sobs. 

"But... But I didn't love him enough," Levi feebly argued, but leaned into Eren's hand, "I wasn't enough for him. I'm a monster." 

Eren took a minute to reel together his thoughts. Levi was so cold, but so hot, but so soft. He huddled in closer to Eren and suddenly he knew what this was. Levi was attention starved; he hadn't been touched purposely in decades and all he needed was a reassurance. 

"You're not," Eren said, irritated, but calming himself because this was important for Levi to understand, "You've protected me for weeks. You've protected Armin for years. Stop—Stop excusing the real monsters here." 

Levi sucked in a breath as if he'd been slapped, and guilt wormed its way into Eren's mind before he shut it down. No. Levi needed to hear this. 

"Did you want Erwin to die?" His heart was breaking slowly at Levi's horrified face, "No, you didn't. There was nothing you could have done. The monsters are fucking terrifying, Levi. You can't blame yourself for not falling in love... enough." He finished lamely, remembering that somehow, there were different levels of love. 

The man dipped away from Eren's hand, chewing on his lower lip and shaking. 

"I'm sorry," Eren went on, "I'm so sorry. But it's not your fault.  _They_ killed him. I don't know what you are, if not only human," He lifted Levi's clawed hand gently, lacing together their fingers to emphasize his point. "But it's all about what you do now." 

-

He couldn't remember falling asleep or the trip to his bed, but when he woke up sometime in the late afternoon, Eren guessed Levi brought him to bed again. Feeling like a child, he sat up and rubbed his eyes, hair sticking up wildly.

"Oh," He said once he finally took in his surroundings, seeing Levi sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning on the bedpost, "Good morning?"

The man didn't move, blindfold hiding any indicators that would give away if he were awake or not. Wait. Did Levi even need to sleep?

Carefully, Eren crawled on his hands and knees to the end of the bed. Deep, restful breaths left Levi's body as he leaned on the post, showing no sign of consciousness. Eren felt like he was seeing something precious and quickly gave Levi his privacy. Maybe Levi only slept during the day?

After a long shower because damn did arguing make him work up a sweat, Eren took his time in changing and brushing his teeth. He had felt gross, the aftermath of an argument also leaving him empty. And maybe he didn't want to ever see Grandfather again. 

Opening the bathroom door, Eren peeked into the room and huffed. Levi had made the bed apparently, but went back to sitting on the edge, no longer sleeping. 

"Sorry if I woke you," He mumbled, walking to the bed, "But you didn't have to make the bed. Are you a clean freak or something? I'm lucky if I make my bed once a month." 

Levi scowled and the stark difference from his usually grim expressions had Eren gaping. 

"You're such a slob," He said, voice chiming with very quiet piano keys, " _You're welcome_." 

Choking out a disbelieving laugh at the sudden change in demeanor, Eren smacked him on the arm.

"Thanks, mom." 

An answering deeper frown made him smile. 

But a knock at the door trashed his good mood. 

"Eren?" He heard Armin's small, hesitant voice as he knocked again. "I heard the shower, you're awake right?" 

Sighing heavily, still angry at Armin, Eren slowly went to the door. 

"I'm awake." He opened the door and towered over his best friend, cloudy face daring him to say anything.

"U-Um, good," Armin leaned to the side, trying to see inside the room. "Levi still there?" 

"He is," Eren stood in his way, closing the door an inch, "Why?" 

Armin opened his mouth a few times before snapping his jaw shut, eyes bright. "Because I wanted to apologize okay? So calm the fuck down and let me in." 

The blond pushed through him, Eren stumbling away in shock at his best friend snapping at him, cursing no less. 

Still sitting on the bed, Levi looked, dare Eren think it, amused. 

"Listen," Armin began, standing in front of his childhood imaginary friend, "I-I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I was a jerk because I was hurt and I didn't understand. I think I get it now, why you let me grow up because all of this... all of this is dangerous and yeah... sorry."

Shifting uncomfortably on the bed, Levi stayed silent while Armin wrung his fingers and Eren watched on. Feeling pushed to the side, he stepped in. 

"I'm sorry I snapped at you," Eren said, turning his best friend to him, "I was just hurting and took it out on you." 

Armin shook his head, "No, I should be apologizing. I shouldn't have said that. Levi isn't a monster." He turned to the man who sat rigidly on the bed, "He practically raised me. He was my first friend and I shouldn't have doubted him." 

Eren felt his grin threaten to break his face, he was so happy. He hoped Levi understood exactly what Armin was saying. 

"But... Grandfather is a whole other story." Armin turned back to Eren, whose grin faded immediately, "He knows something we don't and is using that fuel to his botched misconceptions." 

"His book," Eren supplied and sat down on the other side of Levi, "Do you know what it is?" 

Levi shook his head, "I never left this room until after Armin was born. And only then did I notice its existence." 

"So do maybe you think he's had it before? I mean, why else would he need it?" Armin questioned, tapping a foot on the floor as he thought. "The title said _Teufel_. Do you know what that means?" 

Again, Levi went rigid and nodded, digging his claws into the bed sheets, "It is German for 'devil'." 

Eren felt his foot slip from the edge of the mattress, making him bite his tongue. 

"The fuck is Grandfather into?" He mumbled, pulling out his tongue. 

Levi gave him a disgusted grimace before looking to Armin, who was rolling his eyes at Eren. 

"I don't know," Armin said, "But right now we need that book." 

Putting away his now pulsing tongue, Eren nodded and glanced at Levi.

"And another thing." Armin went on, looking uncomfortable as he rolled his lips, "Annie called... and wants to come over."

Eren groaned and flopped back on the neat bed, effectively ruining Levi's work. The man simply huffed and looked to Armin. 

"Who is Annie?" He asked. 

Sitting up quickly, Eren butted in before Armin could say anything, "She's a friend." 

Levi looked bored. "So... why the groaning?" 

"She knows," Armin spoke when Eren obviously could not, "Her eyes are missing too. And she... she and Eren don't exactly get along." 

Out of the loop on their relationship, Levi crossed his arms and curled in on himself. 

"I don't want her here," Eren said, "I'll stay with Levi while you get rid of her." 

"Didn't you tell her about Levi earlier?" Armin sighed, "She deserves to know." 

"I... I don't feel good." Eren put a hand over his stomach and cringed, "Sorry, can't see her." 

Next to him, Levi frowned, "You told her?" 

Eren, knowing he had made a mistake, looked to the floor, "N-Not explicitly. I just asked some questions and I sort of said I met one of the monsters... but this was before I knew you! Before I knew what was going on—I was desperate. You wouldn't answer my questions and yelled at me if I pushed." 

Levi looked uncomfortable as he curled around his knees, borrowed jeans tights and limiting his movements. Claws visible, Armin watched them with apprehension. 

"Well now you know why I didn't tell you," Levi mumbled into his forearm, glancing at Eren who looked guilty, "But it's probably not a good idea for me to see her."

Eren shrugged, offering, "Maybe you could just stay on a different plane."

Armin perked up, leaning forward, eyes bright with wonder. 

"Wait, what are the planes exactly? Eren vaguely explained them, but you know how he is." His best friend shot him a fond look while Levi nodded. Eren frowned. It wasn't like Armin understood all this weird crap anyway.

"There are seven planes of reality." Levi began, "Each plane is like a window, but only very few can see through all seven. The first is what humans see, as well as the second if allowed." Armin nodded, brows furrowed, "The third and fourth are the most emotional levels of reality. Animals can see the first four, but... They reside in the fourth." 

"Oh," Armin said, "So like They could be here right now, but we cant see them?" 

"Yes, but They can't interact for long with the other planes." 

"Why?" Eren finally cut in the conversation, confused about the big talk of realities and windows. 

Levi hummed, "I don't know. And the fifth through seventh are the divine planes, the most spiritual." 

"Can you see ghosts?" Eren tipped forward, grinning. 

Ignoring the question, Levi went on, "They're like books. You can't handle seven without the weight toppling. Open one at a time." 

"I guess that makes sense," Armin ventured, scratching his head like he didn't understand at all, "But why haven't you aged? Which plane do you stay in if not the first?" 

For a long moment, Levi didn't answer. Eren bumped his shoulder with an encouraging nod. Slowly, Levi swallowed. 

"The fourth." 

"...Does time not reach the fourth?" 

"It... It does." 

"Then why haven't you—"

"Armin," Eren cut in, watching Levi tense and clench his jaw at the questions, "When did you say Annie was coming?" 

The blond looked confused before finally tearing his eyes away and shrugging. "She didn't say. But I'm guessing soon? She sounded kind of scared." 

"Scared?" Eren sat straighter, "Did she say anything else?" 

"Um," Armin's cheeks went pink and Eren smothered a smile, "N-No."

"Right," Giving Armin a quick look that called his bullshit—the blond was a horrible liar—non-verbally, Eren turned to Levi, "It's up to you. If you want to meet her, you're welcome to." 

Levi opened his mouth, weighing his words before biting his lip, "If They truly took her eyes, it won’t matter if I'm on a different plane." 

Armin's jaw dropped while Eren looked between the two, confused. 

"Wait, I don't understand." Eren said, "Are you saying that even though They took her eyes, she can still see?" 

"To... complete the fall," Levi explained, "Their victims can see the fourth plane and watch." 

"Watch?" Armin whispered, his face horrified. Eren turned to Levi while the blond said, "To watch Them torture others?" 

Nodding, Levi dug his claws into his knees, hissing. Eren quickly grabbed his hands and pulled them into his lap. 

"All the more reason to fight back," Eren said, forcing Levi to look at him, "Come on, Levi, we can win. All we need is love, right?" 

Armin titled his head, "A Beatles song?" 

"No," Eren rolled his eyes, "To beat Them, all we have to do is love." 

-

"Shit." 

"Yeah  _shit_."

"I completely forgot." 

"Me too." Eren whispered, hovering above the steps. "What are we going to do?" 

Armin looked lost, "I don't know. He's still angry at him." He gestured to Levi, "If he sees Annie too, he'll go ballistic!" 

"It's okay." Eren said, "It'll be okay. He'll just have to get over it."

Behind them, Levi fidgeted. 

"He'll try to hurt Levi if he seems him again," Armin mumbled, "We'll just bring her up here somehow." 

"So Grandfather knows about Annie's eyes?" Eren asked. 

"Yes," Armin looked back down the steps, watching for his guardian to pop out at any moment. "He drove me to the hospital to visit her." 

Eren scowled, "So he knew. He knew how it happened and he did nothing." 

Armin looked torn, "Maybe? Maybe he didn't know how to stop them and could only try to keep me safe in the only way he knew he could." 

"Yeah, by torturing Levi," Eren hissed, but took a deep breath when Levi brushed his hand over his elbow, "Fuck, sorry, I'll be fine. Just—I still don't think I can ever forgive him for it." 

His best friend shifted, eyes sad. "Me either."

There was a loud knock from downstairs and both boys froze while Levi grabbed Eren's arm with surprising strength. They could barely hear slow footsteps pad across the floor from three stories below. 

"Fuck," Eren whispered, "Fuck fuck fuck." 

"Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll think she's just here for a friendly visit." Armin said.

"Yeah right," Eren snorted, "There's no way. He's not that stupid."

They strained to listen as the hinges of the front door creaked, but the voices were lost between the three stories. 

"Damn it, Armin, why do you have such a big house?" Eren whispered, causing Armin to elbow him in the ribs. 

"Boys!" Armin's Grandfather called up the stairs, voice loud and yeah, he was definitely pissed. 

"Fuck," Eren hissed one last time before he summoned his courage, puffing out his chest. "What!" He yelled down. 

"Visitor!" Grandfather called back, "Come down here!" 

Armin took a deep breath before trotting down the steps, leaving Eren and Levi starting at his back. The blond turned around and pushed a finger to his lips. 

"I'll make something up. But for now, lock your door with Levi, okay?" Armin whispered and Eren nodded, pulling the quiet man along with him back to the bedroom. Armin went back down, face pale and twitching. 

"He'll be okay... right?" Eren asked, but didn't wait for an answer as he closed the door behind Levi and locked it. He sat on the floor, back to the still scratched wood. "What if Grandfather kicks her out? Would you leave the house with us if you could?" 

Levi looked sick, but nodded slowly. 

"I'll follow you." He said and pulled at his jeans, making to crouch in front of him. 

Eren gave him a small smile, chest expanding at the words, the knots in his stomach unraveling. 

"Good," Eren said for lack of a better thing to say, overwhelmingly happy that Levi said he'd follow him. "Good." He repeated. 

Levi snorted at him, earlier sass back a little bit as he gave him a tilted smile. 

Heating up, Eren pushed his ear to the door to listen for footsteps. After a few long minutes, he heard the telling thump of quick steps. He scrambled to his feet and rested a hand over the knob. 

"Eren, it's just me and Annie." Armin called through the wood, "I-I... um, it's just us." 

Wondering why Armin sounded so out of breath, Eren opened the door. Annie looked alert, but casual enough to cross her arms. Beside her, Armin was pink and flicking his gaze between the two. 

"What'd you tell him?" 

"Um..." Armin looked down while Annie looked out the window down the hall. 

"Said we're dating," Annie deadpanned and nodded behind Eren's shoulder. "Let me in. I want to meet your monster." 

Bristling, Eren closed the door so they could only see his body. 

"He's not a monster," He snapped, "He's been protecting us."

"Fine," Annie said, raising her hands, sunglasses glinting in the sun from the window, "Armin, call off the guard dog." 

The blond jumped and hastily pushed at his best friend, "Please, Eren. She said she wants to tell her story."

"Her story?"

"How I lost my eyes." Annie supplied, sounding bored, but the five simple words made Eren's stomach freeze. 

Without saying anything else, Eren opened the door, but stood in front of Levi, who was standing now, arms crossed, head down. He was hiding his blindfold again and shrunk back when Annie walked in. She stiffened at the sight of him. 

Armin shakily grabbed onto her arm and nodded, knowing now that she could see even without her glasses. 

"That's him?" She asked, voice low and clutching onto some semblance of control. 

"This is Levi," Eren answered and moved to the side, but close enough to intervene if Annie did anything. "Did you lock the door, Armin?"

His best friend turned to double check and then nodded. "Yes."

"He's..." Annie began, lips pinched, "Whatever he is, he isn't human." She turned to Eren, who glared back, "I can see the fourth plane, Eren. He looks like the monsters."

"He does not," Eren quickly hissed back, "I know what they looked like. He looks nothing like them." 

"Missing eyes," Annie began to list, pulling up her fingers with each one, "Black claws, pale skin. Does he make any weird noises, like music or clinging pots?" 

Eren hesitated, looking down at the now shaking man beside him. He looked ashamed, head down, arms hugging himself. 

"It doesn't matter," Eren pressured, "What matters is that he's protected us. Now, are you just going to point fingers or are you going to tell your story?" 

Armin exhaled sharply when Annie moved, taking off her sunglass, revealing her empty sockets. Beside him, Levi whined an inhuman hiss like spoons clattering on the floor. She snapped her head to him, but Eren slid in front of him protectively. 

"I'll only say it once," She began, voice tight and angry. "You can't win. You should leave." 

"I will not abandon anybody," Eren shot back. "We'll win, Annie. With or without you." 

"Whatever," She muttered, "It's your funeral."

"Annie," Armin spoke up, "What happened?" 

She looked to Armin, softening all at once and the tension in the air broke. Eren inhaled deeply before grabbing Levi's still shaking hand. 

"I was fifteen..." She said, looking at the floor now, chin wobbling, "I was fifteen years old when They took everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: seize the night
> 
> Okay, I wrote this long essay (sort of) on why I wrote Augenfresser, chose horror, and why ereri is so incredibly important to all of it. You should definitely read it to further understand everything. Just note, there are a few minor spoilers. 
> 
> [read here yo](http://cotttontale.tumblr.com/post/86357715325/i-felt-the-sudden-need-to-explain-augenfresser-and)


	16. causa mortis

Annie tossed a look to Armin, almost pleading, but the expression faded to dull embarrassment. Lips thin, empty eye sockets staring at the floor, Annie moved away from Armin. She stood nearest the bathroom, leaning on the wall. 

“I didn’t understand at first.” She said, biting her lip. 

Eren felt Levi grip his wrist, so he stepped in closer to him. Annie flinched when he moved and covered her face with her hands.

Voice broken, she went on, “But it went on for years. Every single night, They tried to take my eyes and every single night, They almost won.”

Beside her, Armin looked sick, face ashen and crumpled. Eren had no doubt that Armin knew exactly how she was feeling.

“Bertoldt noticed first.” Annie said, tone dead and monotone. But as she lifted her head, her face was normal, bored, blocked. “But I told him it was just nightmares. How could They be more? Monsters are something all kids fear. It’s what parents tell to kids to keep them in bed.”

Eren remembered his own father using the excuse of monsters under his bed to scare him, to keep him from wiggling out. He felt incredibly sick, stomach clenching almost violently. 

“The first year, after you left,” Annie nodded to Eren, who swallowed, “They tried to scare me with nightmares. Typical dreams. Stuck in a circle, surrounded by your own face and skin.”

She sighed and Armin inhaled, leaning loser. 

“It didn’t work.” Annie said, shrugging, trying to be strong, “At that point I didn’t care what happened to me. I was scared for Bertoldt, for Reiner.” She even lifted a hand to Armin, “For you.”

“Me?” Armin whispered, a small hand over his chest. His eyes were wide and wet.

“The second year was pretty much the same. But something was different. They touched me. They scratched at my feet, my ankles, up my legs. One time They even choked me."

Eren lifted a hand to his own neck, remembering his dreams, the lethal grip that had him screaming and crying. 

"They crawled into my bed and there was an arm, like a snake, just sliding up the blankets from my feet to my neck. I could feel the strong grip of cold fingers, the sharpness of their claws," She hugged herself, tucking in her chin to hide her neck, "And They squeezed. They squeezed until I couldn’t breath, until I could see anymore."

Armin gasped while Eren looked to his feet, squeezing Levi for comfort. Levi returned the pressure, shaking. 

“I screamed for my dad.” Annie admitted, but huffed, “But he could never find anything. Now I know why.” She gestured like turning a page; “I didn’t understand the Planes until I could actually see them. And every night, I woke up screaming. The next few times it happened, my dad just told me to shut up and go to bed. I cried wolf too many times for him to care anymore."

“That’s terrible,” Armin mumbled, looking to Levi now, “I was lucky.”

“If you want to call it that,” Annie said low, glancing at Levi before saying, “By the time I was fifteen, I understood. They couldn't take my eyes unless I gave in. It was all a nightmare. I ignored Them... They didn’t like that. I laughed at Them, because despite hurting me physically, I still intact mentally. But… then I started high school and Bertoldt lost his eyes.

“They attacked him because I wouldn’t give Them what They wanted.” Clenching her jaw and balling her fists, she glared at the floor, “I saw it coming, but I couldn’t do anything.” Her voice shifted, thick with guilt, “He wouldn’t listen to me. Nobody ever listens to me.”

Eren looked away, mind in shambles. He hadn’t listened to Annie.

He had told her about the monsters and without even thinking about her for a second, he had ignored her. Even in the hospital, Annie was protecting Bertoldt. On the beach, Annie warned him. And every time, he had ignored her.

“I’m sorry,” Eren managed, “I ignored you so many times.”

“Yes, you did.” She said, “I never liked you, Eren. As a kid, you’d blow up and always ended up hurting someone. Nothing we did could calm you. And then you went and broke someone’s arm. You’re dangerous.”

All of it was true, but it didn't hurt any less hearing it from her. He liked Annie; she hated him. He couldn't blame her.

“But you’re not stupid.” Annie went on, “Despite what I told you, you befriended this… freak.” She pointed to Levi, “I don’t know what he is exactly, but he is and isn’t… one of Them.”

This time, Armin broke in.

“I’ve known Levi all my life,” He touched her arm, “He’s protected me from Them since ever I can remember. He’s my friend and I trust him, no matter what… or who he is.”

Levi rumbled something pleasant and sorrowful in his chest. Eren felt a small smile break through his dark thoughts.

Annie crossed her arms, out of his reach.

“It doesn’t change anything. I can’t get my eyes back,” She turned to Levi, “Unless you can get them for me.”

“I cannot,” He said, “Your eyes are gone. But you’re still human,” He offered when she sucked in a breath, “You haven’t lost everything.”

She choked out a sob and put a hand over her mouth, face red.

“And Bertoldt?” She mumbled, “He’s still okay?”

Eren stepped forward, “He’ll be fine. We’ll kill Them and fix everything.”

"How can you be so sure?" She snapped, crying. Eren had to look away. "I didn't give Them what They wanted and my friends paid for it. What does it matter anymore? They've won!" 

"They haven't!" Armin pushed Eren away from Annie, watching the anger flood away from his face. "Both of you calm down. We can win, Annie. You just have to believe in us. We can't do it alone." 

Annie pulled at her hair, hands slowly trailing down to cover her empty sockets. 

"Armin, you don't actually think you can win, do you? You're the smart one,  _think_!" She begged, "They take your eyes! They've tortured you for years! He's one of Them!" Again, she pointed to Levi, but Eren stepped in the way and smacked her hand away. 

"Calm down, Annie." Armin grabbed her wrist, but she yanked away and pushed him into Eren. 

"No! You don't understand! I can see Them! They're everywhere, tormenting my friends, tormenting you." Her voice fell to a whisper as she slid to the floor, still hiding her eyes. "I just want it to end, I have to  _do_  something!" 

Eren surged forward, out of Levi's iron grip and kneeled beside her. 

"Annie, listen to me," He demanded, pulling away her hands from her face, making her look to him. He didn't flinch at the black sockets, but stared back at her, battling down his urge to scream. "If you want to do something, stop blaming yourself. Fight back." 

Next to him, Armin bent down and managed a smile. 

"You're already fighting back, Annie. You've almost won... you just don't know it yet." Armin looked to Levi and then to Eren, "The only way to beat Them is through love. Don't you get it; why you're still human?" 

She shook her head, already quieting. Her cheeks were red, no doubt from the embarrassment of yelling and her hysteria. 

"You love Bertoldt, you love Reiner... you love all of us so much, that They  _can't_  win." Armin whispered, "That's the only way to beat Them." 

"But... Bertoldt lost his eyes. And They've surrounded Reiner. He's so close to giving in... and I can't do anything." 

"You can't blame yourself for something They did." Eren interrupted, "They mess with your mind, torture you. Anyone would crack. So we have to fight back." 

When Eren looked up, Levi was behind him. His jaw was tight, mouth thin. 

"You may not be able to get your physical eyes back," Levi said, standing between Armin and Eren, "But They haven't taken your soul yet. Don't let Them take your friend's." 

-

Locked inside the bathroom, Annie ran the water from the old sink. Outside the door, the three boys stood in silence.  

"I don't know what her purpose was, coming here," Eren started, watching the door, before turning to Armin, "Her story didn't help us." 

"Eren," Armin reprimanded, "She's suffering. Wouldn't you want help? For a long time, she was on her own and now we know. We have to help her." 

"How do we do that? I'm not exactly in love with her." Eren crossed his arms, feeling hot suddenly, "And she doesn't make it easy." 

Armin huffed, "Quit acting like you're twelve, Eren." 

"What?" Eren defended himself, pointing to the bathroom door, "Levi said only unconditional love is enough. I'm just being realistic. Annie isn't the easiest to love." 

"Yeah, well neither are you. Or me." Armin snapped back, "Nobody is easy to love. But unconditional love doesn't have to be romantic." 

Levi looked away from the arguing pair to the door, swallowing. Eren glanced at him. 

"It doesn't?" Eren questioned, "But love... is love. When you love somebody, it's romantic." 

"Eren," Armin said, deflating, tone patient, "Don’t you love me? Don’t you love Mikasa? Your parents?" 

He took a step back, face warm. "Of course I do! But that isn't unconditional love, right? Doesn't that mean wanting to spend the rest of your life with a person? O-Or I don't know, wanting to get married? Kissing?"

"Well, that's part of it." Armin admitted, but shook his head. "But you're missing the point. Unconditional doesn't mean anything sexual or marital. It's... courage I guess." 

Eren blinked. 

"Courage? What are you talking about?" 

"Okay, let's back up," The blond closed his eyes, waving his hands, "Unconditional means just that: without conditions. You love somebody regardless of circumstances. You accept them for who they are. Courage is actually incredibly similar."

Armin sighed, watching Eren's face turn even darker in shade and color.

"Courage doesn't have anything to do with a lack of fear; it doesn't mean you aren't afraid. It means in spite of your fear, you do something anyway."

"What... What..." Eren fumbled with his words, eyes darting from Levi to Armin.

"And just loving someone unconditionally, without actions, isn't enough." Armin explained, "You're really passionate. You don't do something unless it means a lot to you, Eren. But I guess what Levi means is that you can't _just_ love somebody. You have to show it." 

"S-Show—"

"Yeah," Annie interrupted, opening the door with her sunglasses back on the bridge of her nose, cheeks still red, "Through actions. You have to  _do_ something." 

Armin blushed, "A-An act of true love, I guess?" 

Annie snorted, crossing her arms. "Why not? Disney had the right idea." 

Levi scowled while Eren flailed. 

"What I mean is, you have to have courage to love someone unconditionally." Armin said, "It's really hard. Not a lot of people are capable of unconditional love. It means doing anything for someone, even giving your life." 

Eren sat on the bed, heart thumping. Armin made complete sense and he understood, but now, he wished he didn't. Everything Armin said sounded so familiar and so spot on that it scared him. He felt that way all the time. He loved Armin, he loved Mikasa, he loved his friends and now, with Armin's helpful definition, he knew he loved Levi too. 

Thinking back to the last few days, he realized how protective he had been. He had comforted Levi, told him something he hadn't even told Armin, had hugged him, been glued to his side, and touched him so much. Oh god. 

"Eren?" Armin cut into his thoughts and Eren wildly looked around the room. "Did you even hear what I just said?" 

"Huh, what? No." Eren quickly said, "Sorry." He swallowed, avoiding Levi's stare. Annie looked peeved, but didn't say anything. 

"We need to think of a plan. Which… probably includes Grandfather." 

At the mention of the man, Eren stood up, thoughts of love pushed to the back in his mind. 

"What? Why would we even think about including him? Armin, have you forgotten what he's done?" His voice broke at the end, feelings flooding to the surface. Eren snapped his mouth shut, heat curling in his chest. Fuck, now he understood. 

"He's known about Them longer than we have. He has that book, too." Armin reminded, tilting his head, observing Eren's reaction. "And I need to do a bit more research. Annie and I will go to the library if you'll talk to Grandfather." 

Eren's mouth hung open, "Wait what! I'm never talking to him again, Armin!" 

"You can't just erase him from existence," Armin snapped, "He's family. He's done terrible things, yes, and you don't have to forgive him for it. But he could help us. Think about everybody else, Eren."

"I am!" Eren pressured, gesturing to Levi, who shrank back to the bed, "I just... just need time, okay?"

"We don't have time." Annie cut in, voice steel. "I came to you because—because I'm not enough. Reiner is falling and Bertoldt is so close to giving up. Even I'm... even I'm close. I still don't think we can win, but I'm willing to try. I can't just sit by and do nothing, Jaeger." 

"Reiner's party is on the fourth of July. That's in two days," Armin reminded him, "We have to figure something out by then, at least." 

Levi finally spoke up, putting a hand to Eren's arm. Eren sucked in a breath and forced himself to look away. 

"We'll talk to him." Levi looked up to Eren, frowning, "And we'll get the book, with or without his help." 

Eren deflated and fought the urge to stand closer. 

"Thank you," Armin breathed, watching Levi hold onto Eren, "I already talked to him a bit. He's still angry with me, but he'll listen. He has to. He loves you Eren."

"I know he does," Eren puffed up, crossing his arms. His head hurt again. "But I'm not going to forgive him." 

"You don't have to," Levi said, "But right now, killing Them is more important." 

"Listen to your monster, Jaeger." Annie walked to the bedroom door, waiting for Armin to join her. "And watch your temper." 

She shut the door, cutting off Armin's pleading look.

Letting out a put-upon sigh, Eren walked to the bathroom, turned on the sink and cupped a handful of water. Splashing his face, he tried to forget about Levi. To forget about Annie and his anger. To forget that he really wanted to a punch a whole in the wall and maybe tattoo on his fucking chest that Levi wasn't a monster. Hopefully by then, people would believe him. 

He turned off the sink after a minute and blinked the water out of his eyes. 

Through his heavy lashes, Eren looked up to the mirror. Levi looked out of place, fidgeting, waiting for him to say something. The atmosphere was tense and Eren had a feeling they both knew why. But... he didn't know what to say. Levi was his friend. He loved him, but how much... He didn't know. Nor did he know about how Levi felt.

Blinking slowly, he saw different reflection in the mirror. He was tall, broad, broken. His face was sickly, defeated, his blue eyes dull. He was shaving his hair, watching Levi cross his arms. 

He vaguely could hear the words, "I love you, please, tell me what's wrong" but then a drop of water got in his eye and he blinked. He was Eren again. Brown hair, green eyes, stupid complexion and small. He looked nothing like Erwin. He  _was_ nothing like Erwin. He couldn't be anyone for Levi. 

A deep sigh, a painful squeeze of his heart.

"Hand me a towel?" He asked, eyes closed. "There should be some in the closet."

A brush of a body, a whisper of a smell that was so clean and cold, then a pressure of a towel on his face.

"Thanks."

Wiping down his face, he took off his shirt with the excuse it was wet, but mostly to hide his face. He changed out of his duffel and stood, brows furrowed.

"Wait. Was that you, my first night here? When I was looking for my swim trunks and they were under the bed?"

Levi tilted his head, crossing his arms, leaning on the bathroom doorframe.

"No." He answered. 

"Oh..." Eren trailed off, kneeling to lift the bed skirt. There was nothing under the bed, save a few dust bunnies. He sneezed into the corner of his arm as he stood up. "Maybe I just imagined it."

-

"Fuck."

"Eren."

" _Fuck_." 

"Eren."

"No, seriously,  _fuck_. I can't talk to him." 

Levi sighed, but didn't move from the top of the steps.

"I'll want to punch him in the face the moment I see him," Eren argued, "I can't do this." 

"You have to." Levi snapped. 

"I know. That's why I said 'fuck'." 

"You have a filthy mouth," Levi muttered, uncrossing his arms. "Stop talking like that. And we're going to talk to him and you're not going to punch him. As much as I want you to," Levi trailed off before huffing, "Listen, let's just get the book and leave." 

Eren scoffed, looking away. 

"I-I don't know," He fumbled when Levi's arm brushed his as they took a step down the stairs, "It'd be safer if you stayed up here." 

Levi gave him a blank look, which was amazing considering the blindfold. Eren looked away again. 

"He said he'd kill you." Eren pressured, "You should stay upstairs." 

"You won't let him kill me." Levi said, voice low, and Eren missed the last step. With a huge thump, he smacked into the wall to keep his balance. Levi grabbed his arm to steady him. 

"Eren!" He heard, Grandfather calling from the first floor.

"Fuck," Eren muttered before gathering his courage, "I'm okay! Just missed a step!" 

Grandfather didn't respond, but Eren had an inkling he was still waiting down the stairs, arms crossed, mouth in a deep frown. Realizing he was incredibly hungry and thirsty, Eren made it down the last landing, wondering when was the last time he had eaten. He couldn’t remember.

Like he had predicted, Grandfather looked pissed. His straw hat was no longer on his head, no longer covering most of his stormy face. He looked even more severe without it. 

" _You_." Grandfather hissed when he saw Levi. 

Quickly, Eren threw out an arm, shielding Levi again. His heart pounded, but he swallowed over his sudden nervousness. 

"Don't." Eren snapped, "You won't touch Levi, you won't even look at him. I'm only talking to you because we need your help." 

Grandfather's eyes narrowed, dark and wrinkled. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. 

"My help? I will not help the monster that _killed _my brother__." 

"Shut up!" Eren barked, "Okay, just shut up! He didn't kill him! It was the monsters and you're too caught up in your self-righteousness to see it. I'm this close to leaving with Armin and Levi, so just shut up and give me the book." 

"You don't understand, Eren." Grandfather said, "He admitted to killing him. He has a promise to keep or so help me God, I will kill him." 

"Fuck you!" Eren snarled, face red, "How dare you say that? Levi didn't kill Erwin. I know what happened, okay? I saw it. Just give us the damn book and help us, or fuck off." 

Face turning purple, Grandfather grabbed Eren's wrist and squeezed. 

"How dare I? How dare you! It was fifty years ago," Grandfather hissed as Eren whined, the grip on his wrist painful, "I remember it like it was yesterday, Eren. Just think for a second! He looks like Them. He acts like Them. He doesn't have  _eyes_. Why are you so adamant to protect him?" 

"Because he's worth it!" Eren yanked to pull back his wrist, but Grandfather held on, "Because he didn't do anything wrong! Because you're too stupid to see what's right in front of your face!" 

"It's  _your_  self-righteousness that's blinding. Open your eyes; he's an Augenfresser, Eren! " 

Levi gasped behind him, the air suddenly freezing. He grabbed Eren's wrist from Grandfather, not even paying attention as the old man cried out in pain when Levi tore his hand away. Pulling on Eren, Levi turned to run up the stairs, but it was too late. 

Eren could only sputter in horror as a monster grabbed him by the throat. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: cause of death
> 
> More amazing [fanart](http://ereriloves.tumblr.com/post/87186070105/w-where-do-they-come-from-his-voice-cracked) and a German [translation](http://wicked-hipster-pink-poland.tumblr.com/post/87723102132/snkfic-augenfresser-kap1)! Also, a friend made an Augenfresser!Levi cosplay and holy shit, it's creepy and perfect. When I get the final pictures, I'll post in the tumblr tag. Thank you so much for the continual support and comments. Seriously, they keep me writing. Glad to know it's appreciated. :) 
> 
> tracking tag: #fic: augenfresser and #augenfresser


	17. canes pugnaces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then God said, "Don't read this at night you dumbass" or something like that... I'm paraphrasing.

He choked. He choked and he wheezed, clawing at the strong, pale hand wrapped around his throat. Eren tried to scream, but it was impossible. His trachea was collapsing; he could feel something gritty rattle in his throat, but it was clogged, drowning him. His head felt like it would explode. Heat flooded his face, a fiery panic gripping the edges of his heart.

Last time, he had screamed and lived. This time, the monster wouldn't give him the chance. 

Blinking, he watched the Thing morph into him. His eyes stared back, brown skin sown around its permanent smile.

Vaguely, he could hear a voice calling to him, but the pressure was cutting off his senses. He could faintly feel the cold hand, the dread slithering up his spine, but he couldn't hear. His vision went next. Left alone in the dark, mute, deaf, just a shell; he waited.

Levi would come for him. He had to. Levi was strong. Levi was his friend; he would protect him. But as time passed, lungs screaming for anything, a sliver of air, a brief inhale, he began to doubt. Why wasn't Levi there? Why hadn't he done anything? Where was he?

He fell to his knees, scrambling over the wood.

He was able to breathe, the hand gone, but nothing went in. His throat was probably closed forever. Struggling, desperately clawing at his face, at his mouth, at the stitches that were no doubt sowing his mouth together, Eren wept. This was it, he couldn't breathe, his vision was returning in spots, but he still couldn't hear. 

The wood underneath began to shift, but when he saw Levi's face, he knew he had been picked up. Still deaf, he tried to read his frantically moving lips, but the lack of oxygen stained his vision. He couldn't see now. Were his eyes gone? His eyes must be, but it didn't hurt. 

Feeling a cold, strong shoulder press against his shoulder, he relaxed. Levi was holding him, protecting him now. This he knew for sure.

He sucked in a breath. Suddenly, the world was back: loud, terrible, and warm.

"Oh god, Eren!" He didn't know who said it, but couldn't bring himself to care.

Retching over Levi's arm, he gasped and placed a hand over his throat.

Damn, that would leave a nasty bruise. He vaguely wondered if the insides of his throat would be bruised too. It felt like they were. 

"Eren, please, open your eyes!" 

"Did It take them?" 

"Eren!" 

"Damn it, support his torso!" He recognized Grandfather's voice and felt the arms beneath him shift. More delicious, wonderful air flooded his lungs. 

Trembling, Eren clutched onto Levi's shirt, taking in as much air as he could. He had felt so helpless. Suffocating was terrifying. But the loneliness had been worse.

Feet hitting the floor as Levi knelt—he guessed, he had no idea, his brain was thrashing against his skull—to give him a better position, Eren wheezed. 

"Slowly," Grandfather smoothed his hair away from his face, "You can breathe, but take it slowly." 

Rocking in Levi's arms, Eren felt like screaming at Grandfather to shut the fuck up, he had no idea, his lungs needed more, but his throat throbbed. He could feel it pulse, sting, burn. 

"Christ, it's already turning purple," Grandfather muttered, but continued to pet his hair, "And the Thing is gone?" 

"Y-Yes," Levi sounded like he too had been strangled within an inch of his life, "Yes." He repeated. 

-

Eren sat in bed, propped up on pillows to help him breathe. He felt like shit. His throat was pulsing in time with his heartbeat, swollen, and the ice pack Grandfather he insisted he keep was terrible. Every time he moved, cold water leaked down his collarbones to his stomach. 

"I-I'm fi-ne." Eren managed, watching Levi snap to him while Grandfather shakily put down a glass of water by the bathroom sink.

"Don't talk," Levi demanded and brushed Eren's hair out of eyes when he began to squint and blink.

"Get away from him." Grandfather snapped, slapping his hand out of the way. Levi yanked it back, mindful of his claws.

Coughing, Eren sat straighter, glaring.

"No, Eren," Levi said before he could start an argument, "Don't."

"Rest your throat," Grandfather mumbled and went back to the bathroom once Levi sat on the edge of the bed, "And you," He pointed to Levi, who looked to his hands, "Don't touch him." 

"He's f-fine," Eren wheezed out, "He di-dn't d-do this." 

"Eren," Levi warned, sitting up, lips thin. 

"N-No," He interrupted, "He's b-being an ass-hole t-to y-y-you," He coughed and Grandfather quickly gave him the glass of water, "For—For no f-fucking rea-son." 

Grandfather took away the glass, face pinched and angry. 

"Eren, he killed my brother. He's a monster. He could take your eyes." He said slowly, as if talking to a child, "He's dangerous. You don't know anything." 

He tried to give Eren the water again, but Eren smacked it away. The glass sailed out of weak, shaking hands and shattered on the floor. 

"H-He didn't kill hi-m!" He tried to yell, but his voice could barely move above a whisper, "St-op blaming—" But his voice died out, throat too swollen to work much. Face red, Eren thrashed in bed for a moment, causing Grandfather to back away. Levi simply watched him. 

Mouthing swears, Eren smacked his fists on the bed and kicked out when Grandfather tried to put his hands on him. 

"Eren, stop!" He yelled, "You'll just aggravate your throat." 

Puffing up in anger, Eren mouthed out and barely squeaked out a dark, "Fuck you." 

It was infuriating. He wanted to scream, to throw things, to punch a hole in the wall, maybe punch Grandfather, but he couldn't. He was exhausted, he could barely breathe and he knew Levi wouldn't let him. 

Grandfather needed to know the full story, but he couldn't say anything. Smacking his head on the backboard of bed, Eren growled and tossed one final fit before settling, breathing heavily. His throat was killing him, fuck. 

Crunching his shoes over the broken glass, Grandfather sighed. 

"Eren," He said low, but Eren snapped his head to him, eyes daring him to continue. "Please understand. He's dangerous." 

Levi looked up to Eren, "He's right." 

A terrible, muted scream erupted from Eren's throat, making tears prick the corners of his eyes in pain, but he didn't care. 

"What!" He mouthed, breath coming out in gasps. He kicked out again. 

"Please," Levi slowly put a hand over his leg, which instantly settled. Eren looked down at the offered comfort, chest still heaving, "You need to calm down. You'll hurt yourself."

He wanted to scream that he didn't a fuck if he hurt himself. Levi was being a martyr again and couldn't tell him to stop. Self-deprecation was something he was entirely too familiar with, but... it didn't fit Levi. Levi was kind, gentle, and anything but a monster. Why couldn't he see it? 

Nostrils flaring, glaring at Levi because shit he forgot how infuriating Levi could be, Eren took a few moments to cool down. 

The cold, leaking ice pack had slid off his throat to his hip in his thrashing, so he carefully brought it back. It dripped down his shirt, a nice relief to the burning of his bruise. 

"I'm... I'm trying to understand," Grandfather began, watching Eren force himself to calm down, "Why are you so blind to what he is?" Levi flinched, pulling his hand away from Eren, "I don't understand what you see, Eren." 

Eren looked up to the ceiling, past the net and prayed for patience… and maybe for his voice back for at least a minute. 

"I have proof," Grandfather went on, "Why are you so adamant that he's not a monster?"

He rolled his eyes at Grandfather, clenching his jaw. Eren stared at him afterwards, mentally smacking him and yelling that he couldn't fucking answer his questions while his throat remained useless. 

Crossing his arms, Grandfather turned up his nose and faced Levi. 

"What did you tell him?" He demanded, "He wont listen to me anymore." 

"Nothing," Levi muttered and looked to his feet, hanging off the bed he was so short, "I don't know why he thinks I'm not..." He trailed off. 

Eren balled his fists and smacked the mattress again, pissed off that they were talking like he wasn't even there. He was temporarily mute,  _not_  deaf. 

"Frie-nd!" Eren managed, pointing to Levi and glaring at Grandfather. His voice broke and he coughed, struggling to breathe. 

"Eren," Grandfather pleaded, but Eren shook his head, continuing to point at Levi in spite of his burning, pulsing throat. 

To accentuate his point, Eren threw the ice pack to the side and shakily made his way to Levi. 

"Eren, stop." Grandfather put out his hands, but Eren ignored him, smacking away when he got too close. "He could hurt you!" 

Levi, still as stone, sat on the edge of the bed while Eren crawled to him and grabbed his hand. He entwined their fingers. Bringing up their hands, he carefully stuck out his out middle finger to spite him. Grandfather exhaled and looked away. 

"You're such a  _child_." He snapped, "You nearly died because of him and you still can stomach his presence?" 

He moved to stand, but Levi beat him to it. Grandfather quickly stepped away, face paling dramatically. Grandfather was taller, but Levi was bigger. 

" _You_ nearly killed him," Levi hissed, tugging on Eren's hand and bringing it closer to him, "You called Them and They came after him. It's  _your_  fucking fault you stupid fuck." He stalked closer, but as Grandfather backed into the balcony doors, Eren pulled him back. 

"Levi," Eren pleaded, anger leaving him as easily as blinking. His voice was weak, but there. 

Still, Levi wasn't done. He squeezed Eren's hand, a silent assurance he wouldn't hurt him, but continued to throw insults. 

"You make me sick," Levi spat, "Don't shove the blame on me. You called Them and you got Eren hurt. If anyone should stay away from him, it's you." 

Grandfather looked torn between rage and shame as he pressed his back against the French doors. Levi turned around, grabbed Eren around his knees and hauled him to the closet. Eren protested weakly, but Levi ignored him. 

Before Grandfather could get to them, Levi closed the door and locked it. Eren sat on the floor, gawking.  

"What are y—" Grandfather yelled, "Don't you dare touch him! If you touch him, Levi, I swear to god!" He banged on the door, "I'll get the key, you monster!" 

Levi didn't respond, but his silence was enough. Grandfather wouldn't be getting in, no matter what he did. Levi was stronger and far angrier. 

"Damn it!" Grandfather smacked his palm one last time before letting out an angry yell. 

Eren listened until he heard the bedroom door slam shut and far off footsteps take the stairs. Levi turned to him after a long few minutes and knelt next to him. 

"L-Levi," Eren tried, but his throat was throbbing. 

"Don't talk," Levi said, "You're safe." 

Stomach clenching, mixed with a type of warmth and anxiety, Eren nodded. Carefully, he pulled Levi closer and hugged him. Levi quickly relaxed and breathed into his neck, wrapping his arms around him. He squeezed, making Eren's mind lurch with a small type of fear. 

Levi wasn't himself. He was acting off his emotions, something he hadn't done since he'd known him (if you didn't count outrage at PB&J's). Eren would be lying if he didn't admit he was nervous. Levi was scaring him. 

Stuck in a closet with someone much stronger, much more unstable wasn't comfortable, despite it being Levi. But he forced himself to squash the feeling. Levi was his friend, he shouldn't be nervous. He wouldn't hurt him. But... he felt like kidnapped victim anyway. Like he was a cub and Levi wasn't going to tolerate anyone else seeing or touching him. 

"Thank you," Levi mumbled into his skin. Eren had to squeeze his eyes shut and fight a bad bout of shivers. "For what you said." 

Still mute god dammit, Eren thought, but tried to make a questioning noise. He coughed in his throat at the attempt. 

Levi shifted in his arms and inhaled slowly. 

"When you said..." He paused and swallowed. Eren could feel his adam's apple bob on meat of his shoulder. "I was worth it."

Immediately, Eren's stomach and heart jumped. That's right, he had said that to Grandfather. He had all but admitted he loved Levi. His palms grew sweaty against Levi's bony, inhuman spine and he prayed that was enough to turn off his thoughts, but it wasn't. With his arms tucked over Levi, over his huge shoulders, his pale skin, Eren realized that maybe 'friend' wasn't exactly the correct word. 

Levi had snuck up on him. He had irritated the ever-living fuck out of him the first few interactions—and he still did,  _constantly_ —but slowly that irritation had flowed into genuine interest. From that innocent interest spawned enigmatic warmth in his chest that just wouldn't go away no matter how weird or strange Levi seemed. If anything, he liked those oddities and his chest burned brighter at the thought of them. He had a guess, to what he was feeling and shit, his heart sank in his ribcage. 

He couldn't love Levi like that. 

They wouldn't and couldn't be together. Levi was stuck as he was and Eren wasn't good enough for him. In his heart, he knew he couldn't provide the unconditional love Levi deserved. Eren just wasn't capable of something so wonderful. 

Sniffing, holding back to onslaught of tears, Eren squeezed Levi back. 

Well, he might not be able to love him as much as he wanted, but that wouldn't keep him from moments like these. He'd take what he could get. 

Eren was selfish, he knew in his gut he shouldn't, but his body didn't want to let go of Levi and Levi made no movement to leave. It would hurt, when he had to leave—he had little under a month left. Armin would go back to school and Eren would go back home with his parents. College was a far off dream now. 

"Don't leave me," He whined, somehow managing to mumble out the sounds, but Levi probably had no idea what he said. His throat clenched painfully, still aching like a bitch. "Not yet."

-

He pulled away eventually, watching the boy sniffle and wipe his nose— _gross_ —on his sleeve messily. The footsteps were back and Levi knew Grandfather was still enraged. 

Gripping the doorknob, he made sure they would be left alone. 

Eren looked like he'd come off badly in a serious fight. The bruises around his neck were deep red, marking fingers and the intense pressure. Blood vessels had burst, spidery veins flicking outwards, purples and blues coloring the gaps between the Thing's fingers. 

His stomach was a block of ice. 

Watching the life slip from Eren's eyes made him panic. The monster disappeared when he had pushed Eren away and taken his place, the sinister smile forever burned in his memory. Behind him, he had heard Eren wheeze, choke, and gasp for air, scratching at the floor. 

He couldn't help but scream, "Oh god, Eren!" when the boy finally began to breathe. The relief was incredible, bringing him close to tears. 

It was so fucked up, he thought as he stared at Eren curl on the floor of the closet, that even though his eyes were gone, he could still cry. 

-

Levi was staring and Eren couldn't sit still. He wanted to hug him again, to feel his cool sort of heat press against his throat, to ease the pain. But as Grandfather rattled the door and screamed at them, Levi couldn't leave. He was protecting him again. 

Eren pulled his knees to his chest and swallowed, grimacing at the blockage and pain that simple, mundane task inflicted upon him. 

-

Grandfather left, swearing at the door, promising Levi he would kill him if Eren was hurt. 

Levi didn't care. He'd gladly accept it if he even touched Eren's eyes. 

As if knowing what Levi was thinking about, Eren looked up him. Levi dropped from the door and sat in the corner. 

"What's wrong?" Eren wanted to ask, but it hurt. He hoped his expression was enough to show Levi his question. 

"You… you treated me as if I were human. And so for a while, I thought I was." 

"You’re not a mon-ster," Eren pressured, speaking past the scorching pain. "I know I’ve told you t-that a thou-sand times and I’ll continue to, as l-long as it takes for y-y-you to believe it." He swallowed thickly, pressing a hand to his neck. 

Levi felt something in his chest collapse and warm, spreading from his heart to his fingertips. He loved the feeling, but simultaneously hated it. He knew what this was.

Eren’s face was serious, beautiful, kind, perfect, his eyes so—Levi hid further away from the boy and ducked away from his sight. How could he have forgotten? He couldn’t let this continue. 

"Eren, please," Levi begged, voice in soft, bruising tones, "Please." 

Confused, Eren came closer. 

Throat done complying, out for the count, Eren could only tilt his head and put a hand on his shoulder. But the man huddled in the corner refused to speak again, lest he say something and the horrific cyclical cycle repeat. He couldn’t lose Eren too. That would probably send him to hell with the monsters, permanently. 

"I can't protect you from myself." Levi whispered and Eren stopped, hand jerking away. 

The boy looked shocked and maybe a little bit betrayed. Levi's heart pierced him with sharp, deep pain. 

"Please, Levi… what are you?" Eren mouthed, watching the monster crouch and ruffle his hair in distress. Levi watched his lips and his own chin trembled. 

He refused to answer verbally, instead beginning to scratch his identity into the wood floor. Head hung in shame, apprehension, fear, Levi moved for Eren to see. 

Embedded in the wood, a single word sent the boy in a short panic.

**A U G E N F R E S S E R**

**-**

He smacked his hand on the wall in the shock and he whined at the pain. 

Levi turned his head to him at the noise, but Eren couldn't meet his blindfolded gaze. He had known, deep down, that Levi was different. But... he hadn't wanted to believe Annie or Grandfather. Levi wasn't like the monsters. He didn't take eyes or give him nightmares. He practically raised Armin, kept him safe for weeks, offered him comfort, carried him to bed—how could he be one of Them? 

Looking back to Levi, forcing himself to push down the flare of sudden apprehension—it was only Levi, his friend, someone he loved—Eren nodded. Fuck, he wished he could speak, now more than ever. Levi needed to hear that he wasn't afraid. 

But... maybe it was better not to. Honestly, he was afraid. Levi wanted his eyes; he couldn't help it. Yet that didn't change anything.

Levi was still a monster. 

No. _Fuck that_. 

Levi was Levi. He wasn't a monster; he was a victim, turned because of Them. Levi was good. Levi was perfect. He wasn't afraid. 

Reaching out a hand, Eren grabbed Levi's fisted hand and uncurled his fingers. Slowly, he gripped them and brought up their clasped, shaking hands—

A silent promise and declaration that he didn't give a fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title meaning: fighting dogs
> 
> Finally, Eren knows. And some ereri action. I hope it's okay, slow build is fun, but difficult to pull off. 
> 
> Anddddd I'm going out of town again. I seriously never stay put. I'm going camping and hiking in the mountains, so I may not have internet. I apologize if I don't immediately respond to comments or asks. I'll reply as soon as I can. So that means no update for at least a week...


	18. clavis aurea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 10,000+ hits, 500+ kudos, and 380+ followers on tumblr. 
> 
> And thank you mc-jaeger and jean-huh-kirschnickerdoodle for making my year with 'augensausage', I will never forget it.

It all began with the closet, but somehow, Eren knew there was more to the story. He was missing something; something vital and incredibly important, but upon the discovery of his feelings and the inevitable tragic ending, he couldn't bring himself to think too hard. It hurt too much to think of the future, of how he would eventually leave Levi, of how they were still surrounded by monsters, of how he had almost died simply because Grandfather was angry. 

Eren closed his eyes, still clasping onto Levi's hand in spite of the man's warnings, and thought back to what happened on the steps. 

Levi had told the truth. They came when called and even though he hadn't been the one to call Them, he still paid the price. He doubted he'd ever sound normal again. A permanent reminder, an internal scar. Well, he thought, at least he wouldn't forget and think back one day wondering how crazy or high had he been to believe this bullshit. In all honesty, it was complete bullshit. He hoped it was drugs. Maybe messing with his dosage had caused him to image the physical manifestations of his fears. 

But no; he didn't want that to be true, despite how terrifying this reality was. He didn't want to forget Levi, but he should. Levi was misery in human form. But he loved him anyway and it cut infinitely deep.

Knocking his head against the wall to feel physical pain instead of emotional, Eren swallowed. Fuck, his throat was killing him. 

Still human and still weak, he needed food, water, and sleep. He was exhausted, even though he had woken up only a few hours ago. Blinking in the darkness, which was gradually turning to a dull gray and purple, Eren wondering if Levi felt like this all the time—torn between realities, starving, dehydrated, exhausted, but never given the relief of food, water, or sleep. 

It was a wonder Levi hadn't broken sooner. 

Holding onto his hand, gripping tighter, Levi crouched and began to rock on his tailbone. 

Looking down at him, Eren had no doubt this was a broken man. But remembering how Levi had protected him, shouted at Grandfather, carried him to bed, shared his story and brownies... he wasn't too torn apart yet. Human or not, Levi was worth saving. 

Eren squeezed back after a long minute and Levi stopped his rocking. He looked to him, the end of the blindfold sliding over his shoulder to brush against Eren's arm. For a wild moment, Eren imagined his face without the scarf, normal, probably handsome, with expressive eyes. Would they be brown? Blue? Green? He was dying to know. 

He could imagine Levi's face, eyes smiling with crow’s feet, maybe the same light purple and blue bruises underneath them. Levi seemed like a man who would look perpetually tired. Maybe he'd have heavy-lids, a permanent glare—yeah that definitely fit his personality. Brown eyes, his favorite, would probably look the best on Levi. He hummed at the mental image, at the dream, of his eyes the same color as delicious brownies.

Swallowing heavily again, Eren felt a deep sorrow wedge its way into his chest He'd never know, his eye color. Levi had said they couldn't get their eyes back, when Annie asked. And he doubted Levi would want to tell him. 

"Are you okay?" Levi asked, probably finding Eren's sadness and questions through his expression. Mikasa always said he was an open book. 

Eren thought about nodding, lying, because really, he had nothing to complain about. He had his eyes, a family, Armin, Levi (for now), and he was still alive. But his throat wasn't exactly functional. 

Deciding upon the truth, because Levi deserved at least that much, Eren shook his head. Levi squeezed his hand and made to move away, but Eren quickly pulled him back.

He shook his head again and refused to let go. 

"Eren," Levi began, as if he was going to start listing off bullet points of how much of a bad idea this was, but Eren didn't care anymore. "Please, let go. You're uncomfortable."

Getting angry, Eren ignored the man's whines as he sat hip-to-hip. Just to emphasize his point, he lifted Levi's hand and pressed it to his face, near his eyes. 

"Eren!" Levi sounded desperate now, yanking, inhuman strength suddenly gone. He was weak, shaking. "Stop!" 

He pulled the hand away and put his head on Levi's shoulder. The man stilled, chest taking in quick inhales. 

They last time that sat this close, this intimately, Levi had told him about Erwin. He wanted to know more, but how could he tell him? Thinking of golden hair, he sighed.

Suddenly jolting forward, Eren crawled to where the door had been, where he had released Levi. He pushed back clothes, hanging coats, and a few shoes. Sitting back on his heels and legs, Eren held up the golden key. 

He had forgotten about it. He had thought that maybe it had disappeared with the door when Levi got out. 

"Wh-What is that?" Levi asked, "Eren?"

Eren furrowed his brows. He held it up and put it around his neck. Gesturing to the wall, he outlined a door and mimicked unlocking a door. 

"Is that how you got me out?" 

He nodded. 

"But... where did you find it?" Levi questioned, voice rising in panic at each new piece of information. 

Eren pointed to Levi, who gaped. 

"I didn't give it to you. I was locked away, Eren. I couldn't even talk to you, much less give you something." 

What? Then... who had given him the key? It had been in the middle of the closet, encircled over and over again, like something was there and begging him to find it. He had just assumed it had been Levi. 

Paling considerably, Eren crawled back to Levi and held out the key. Carefully, Levi inspected the gold object and turned it over, claws kept from the surface as to not scratch it. 

"Eren, where did you get this?"

Frustrated and slightly embarrassed he couldn't talk, Eren pointed to the middle of the floor. He made circling motions, hoping Levi understood. Apparently, he didn't. 

"You found it on the floor? What are you circling?" 

To help Levi understand, Eren grabbed his wrist, pulling him to the middle of the floor. He slowly took off the key and laid it on the wood, carefully moving Levi's hand, pointing a finger into the wood. It sliced, easily as the first few times he'd seen Levi carve through the floor, and he wildly circled the object, trying to remember how he had previously seen the key. The circles had been drawn desperately. 

"L-Like this." He tried to wheeze, but his throat still clenched and his words came out in garbled syllables. Levi tilted his head and took away his hand. 

"Someone wanted you to find it." 

Nodding quickly, Eren smiled at their charades. He had always been the champion during family night. 

"But who? You didn't see them?" 

He shook his head, small smile fading. Useless now, Eren picked up the key and draped across his neck again, pushing down the fear now that something around his neck again. 

Levi crouched again, hands around his ankles. He tilted his head, as if he was thinking, but then shook it. 

"No... It’s impossible." 

-

Not able to stand it anymore—hunger clawing at his stomach, his throat so raw he could hardly inhale without coughing—Eren stood from the closet floor. Hours had passed, including Armin and Annie returning with no luck, only other German fairytales, but none even came close to eye-eaters. 

Levi snapped his head up from Eren's, woken from a restless slumber. 

Eren pointed to the door. He had to leave. 

"No," Levi grabbed his wrist, pulling him back. Eren huffed. "Don't leave me." 

Shit, what was he supposed to say to that? Making wide gestures, Eren pointed to his throat and stomach, then to the door. Judging by how Levi lessened his grip, he understood. 

But not to ready to leave Levi entirely, Eren pulled the man up. He grunted with the weight and nodded reassuringly, in spite of his stomach roiling. Hopefully Armin would have spoken to Grandfather, calming him, begging him to share any information he had. But knowing the old man's hatred ran so deep, Eren felt a seed of doubt plant in his mind as Levi unlocked the door and made sure to come out first. 

Armin was sitting on the bed, Annie next to him, pouring over a book. At the creaking of metal on wood both of their heads snapped up. 

"Eren!" Armin gasped, "Your neck!" 

Holding up his hands, Eren tried to smile, but he coughed in his throat. 

"He'll be fine," Levi assured and helped Eren to the bathroom, grabbing a disposable paper cup and filling it with water. "I'm sorry, Armin." 

Hurrying to Eren's side, Armin shook his head. 

"It's not your fault, Levi," His voice was soft, but still tinged with panic, "Grandfather made it seem like you half dead when he told us. He was going insane downstairs." 

The water sliding down his throat was amazing. Eren felt his eyes prickle with tears at the relief and quickly took another drink, before throwing away the cup and turning to Armin. He hugged his best friend, who went still before nearly slamming him into the toilet he hugged back so fiercely. 

"I _was_ half dead," Eren managed to whisper, ecstatic his voice was capable of such a feat now hours later, "But Levi br-brought me back." 

Without thinking, Armin tugged Levi into the hug. He froze and rattled a breath. Behind them, Annie crossed her arms and looked away, sighing. 

"Thank you, Levi." Armin mumbled into Eren's shoulder, careful of his badly bruised neck. "Thank you so much." 

Out of words, Levi simply nodded under Eren's chin. 

"Touching," Annie spoke up, voice thick and the boys all pulled away. "But we still have a problem." 

Eren, now a bit too hot in his clothes, nodded and left the bathroom. 

He held up the key. 

Levi spoke for him, "There's something else here," Annie gripped the wooden posts on the bed while Armin grabbed onto Eren. "It helped Eren." 

"So... it's good?" Armin whispered, but Eren shrugged. 

"It gave me the k-key," He swallowed, sounding like he was nine again, "To get Levi out." 

Annie quickly cut in, sounding suspicious, "From where?" 

"They locked me on a different plane, when Eren came." Levi explained, head down, "They knew I'd try and protect him and Armin."

"Why didn't They do that before, when it was just Armin?" Annie shot back, questions rapid and distrustful. Eren scowled at her, but Levi answered anyway. 

"He wasn't... far enough for Them to win." He said, glancing at Armin, who gave a trembling smile, "But Eren... he was too much. They wanted him enough to turn against me." 

Fuck. That hurt. Eren knew he had screwed up, putting Armin in danger because he was a hopeless case, but hearing it directly from Levi again really stung. Quickly, Armin took Eren's hand, but Eren started to cry anyway. He looked to the ceiling, his throat stretching sorely, trying to keep the tears in. 

"What does that matter?" Armin spoke up, caressing his thumb on Eren's hand soothingly, "We can argue 'why' later. Right now, we have something bigger to worry about... and I have a feeling Grandfather knows who was helping Eren." He looked to Levi, who tried to make himself smaller against the bathroom doorframe. "You know, don't you?" 

Levi shook his head, "It's impossible." 

"I'm calling bullshit," Annie said, "Out of everything I've seen, there's nothing I don't believe in anymore. You know something, so spill." 

"It's  _impossible_ ," Levi snapped back, "I would have noticed." 

Annie snorted, pointing to the key around Eren's neck, "You were locked away, how would you know?" 

Bristling, Levi crossed his arms.

"I've been like this for fifty years, little girl," He hissed, "I would have fucking noticed. It's something else." 

"What are you even talking about, monster?" She shot back, standing, "Want to share with the class? Because I'm getting real tired of your vague bullshit just because you're too stubborn to admit you're wrong." 

"You know nothing," Levi snarled, " _Nothing._ You have no idea what I've been through, you stupid bitch, so sit the fuck down." 

"Levi!" Armin sounded shocked while Eren finally came back to the conversation, looking between the arguments, no longer about to break the dam. 

"I've been through hell! Fuck, I'm still in it!" Annie yelled, ignoring Armin's feeble interjections, "I've watched the people I love, all of them, suffer from these monsters ever since I was fifteen! Three years I could only watch, ignored whenever I asked for help. So don't for a second think you know me, Levi, because you  _don't._ " 

"Stop it," Eren said hoarsely, "Stop fighting, it isn't helping." 

"You want to know what's so impossible?" Levi ignored him, drowning out his voice, "You want to know why I know it's not true? Because I watched him die! I watched my lover kill himself on that balcony," He pointed to the doors, continuing to shout even though Annie flinched backwards, "I heard his neck snap, I saw him tip over and every fucking day since, I can see it as if were yesterday. There is no way Erwin could have left that key for Eren, he's  _dead_."

His voice cracked, shuttering to a stop as he choked and cried. Levi even shrugged off Eren's comforting hand, too upset for any touch. 

"Why would you even think that Armin?" Levi asked, broken, sniffing and shrinking to the floor, "Why would you say that? He's dead, dead, dead." He chanted into his sleeves. 

"I'm... I'm sorry," Armin said, voice low. "I just thought—I just thought maybe that's why Grandfather is keeping secrets, maybe that's why he hasn't killed Them yet even if he knows how. He doesn't want to kill his brother."

"He's not one of Them." Levi said, "He's not. He's dead."

"I'm sorry." Armin repeated. 

Losing energy and the will to keep fighting with Annie, Levi crouched on the floor, halfway inside the bathroom. Eren, at a loss for what to do, stayed quiet. Armin squeezed his hand, asking for support, but Eren had none to give. He had no idea what to do, he could barely speak, and Levi didn't want his comfort. Across from them, Annie sank down on the bed and hid her face with her hands, upset and shaking, no doubt holding back angry tears. 

They were just a bunch of lost kids and one shattered adult. What could they do?

-

Eren went downstairs alone, even going to so far as to look over his shoulder to see if his shadow would follow, but Levi stayed on the floor. Armin's eyes pleaded for him to stay, but he didn't stop him. So he went. 

For five minutes, he stayed on the top of the second floor steps, watching the bottom, waiting for another Augenfresser to appear and try again. He felt foolish, like a child, but the fear was there all the same. He'd never forget the experience.

But nothing came for him, the house eerily silent now while the upstairs remained quiet and the downstairs empty. Eren gave a quick thought as to where Grandfather might have gone, but it vanished, replaced with anger. He still was mad, but more exhausted.

Food first.

The kitchen was a mess, a few broken plates littering the tile, a broken glass by the basement door, the fridge wide open. Eren quickly closed it, shoes crunching over the shards. But a second later, he opened the door and peered inside. Nothing to eat. 

Sighing, he closed it and crunched his way to the pantry. Poptarts would have to do. 

Unwrapping a strawberry—nasty—poptart, Eren looked around the room and his eyes landed on the window overlooking the ocean. He dropped his snack. 

There was an Augenfresser, just staring at him on the shore. The waves made no sound. 

It tilted its head, grin sinister and wide. The empty eye sockets seemed to suck him in, he couldn't look away. As if remembering the Thing's grip, his throat seized and closed, refusing air. Scrambling over the counter, Eren wheezed and clawed at his mouth. 

He blinked. 

The Thing was gone, replaced by another figure, hunched and about to throw something into the water. 

Sucking in gulps of air, Eren bumped into the kitchen island, hands on his throat, tears traveling down his cheeks. It took him entirely took long to recognize the person on the shore. 

Eren sprinted out of the kitchen, slamming the front door as to warn Armin—he still couldn't say anything above a whisper—and the other's. 

"No!" He wheezed, but it was too late.

Grandfather threw the book in the water.

Eren slammed into him, pushing him out the way when he gained his footing back, swimming to the waterlogged book. Its pages were ruined by the salt water, ink bleeding.

"No!" He repeated, shaking the book, but it was useless. "Wh-What have you done!" He turned to Grandfather, heart still pounding from his sight of the Augenfresser. He couldn't think about that now, not while the book that would have told them everything was ruined. 

"You know why!" Grandfather was also crying, "You know and I won't let you kill him!"

"What!" Eren's voice died, vocal chords too strained.

"It's Erwin!" Grandfather sank to his knees in the sand, "He's one of Them and I won't let you hurt him!"

Gaping at him, Eren didn't notice Armin and Annie running to him, both faces pale.  

"So it's true." Armin said as he reached them, "It is Erwin. He gave Eren the key."

"Just stay away from him!" Grandfather snarled, waving his hands, managing to smack Armin in the stomach, "I still know how to kill Levi and I'll fucking do it!"

Eren blinked, imagining himself drowning Grandfather, imagining him gurgling under the water until the life left him, but then Armin was pulling him to his feet and the image of was gone. Deeply shaken—what had he just imagined?—Eren struggled out of the water, an iron grip on the book. 

Annie helped carry him to the sand, strong enough to carry him on her own. Armin sat him down and took the book, pulling apart pages, but very little was legible. Maybe a few dates and half-words, but nothing worth value. 

"Damn it!" Armin yelled, "Damn it, damn it, damn it!" He turned to Grandfather, face red, "I hope you realize what you've done. You just killed everybody here; me, Eren, Annie, my friends! Even Levi and Erwin! All because you're too blind to see the truth! Fuck!" He threw the book wildly, hitting Annie in the thigh. 

She quickly took the book and opened it, searching the pages with her fingers like she was actually blind. 

"It's has dates... like a letter."

Armin exhaled harshly, turning to her, "What?" 

"It's not a book," She looked up to him, light reflecting in her sunglasses, "It's a journal." 

"A journal?" Eren said, but nothing came out. They didn't pay attention to him. 

"Yes," Annie answered and pointed to the bleeding, almost illegible dates. "There, it says 1943." She unstuck a chunk of pages, "And here, 1945, all signed but I can't make our their name." 

"Can you read anything else?" 

"No," She huffed and slammed the journal shut, turning her head to Grandfather, "It's ruined."

Eren reached for the journal, tuning out Annie and Armin's conversation and Grandfather's whines. He opened it to the front and suddenly, it wasn't wet. The binding was different; leather not fabric, the first page penned in a strong, confident hand. 

_Property of Erwin Smith_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: golden key
> 
> Anddddd because you were getting too comfortable and thinking things were getting predictable, I decided it was time for another plot twist (this one is probably my favorite out of all the them). Have to keep you on your toes. After all, it's a mystery/thriller. 
> 
> Quick note: I am not bashing Erwin's character at all. I love him and he's not the villain in this story. He's the good guy. I do not tolerate character bashing and Erwin is actually a HUGE character in this fic. He's incredibly important. Please keep this in mind as we continue. More hints of past eruri coming up, but they're super brief and only important for the plot. No love triangles. 
> 
> Thoughts on that plot twist? Did anybody guess it?


	19. de profundis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for 600+ kudos!
> 
> Warning: unedited and suicidal thoughts!

Eren noticed his hands were not his own, but much larger, calloused and a great deal paler. His wrists were thick, definitely too large for his fingers to encircle and somehow that information made his belly flip. He didn't know why. But then he blinked—damn it why did he have to blink so often—and the journal was soaked again. Sand gritted the pages under his fingertips, brown skin definitely not fair and smooth. He heaved a sigh.

But now the dreams and visions made sense. He was seeing things through Erwin’s eyes, living through his memories. But how? 

 _Property of Erwin Smith_  the journal had said, the handwriting so beautiful compared to his own—he grew angry at himself; why must he compare everything that made Erwin so great and everything that made him, Eren, so mediocre?—and definite lack of patience to even own a journal. What would he even write about? His inability to function? The irony of loving someone who probably loved him back, but not enough to get rid of their monsters? Someone he couldn't have a life with? His ridiculous, terrible, guilt-filled jealous rage over a dead man he had never even met? Erwin Smith was someone he admired, hated, envied, and wow, his guilt poured into his heart at just the thought of Levi knowing his feelings. 

Smith? But that didn’t make sense, he would have been Erwin  _Arlert_. Grandfather's brother, Armin's great uncle. Levi's long dead lover, who was apparently not so long dead? Or were the monsters even dead? But Erwin couldn't be a monster... maybe he was like Levi. Stuck in a closet and haunted by his own fears.

Fuck, his head hurt. 

"Eren?" He heard Armin say, but he couldn't hear much else, brain pulsing with the need to know. The mystery was almost too much to bear. 

So Erwin was an Augenfresser, despite killing himself. He hadn't escaped Them, even through death. Eren felt his hope crumble at the thought. 

"Eren," Armin had a hand on his shoulder now, which was trembling now that he was paying attention, "Are you okay?" 

Disbelieving that Armin was worried about him, after everything that happened, Eren looked to him with wide eyes. His best friend was red in the face, whether from the sun or the emotional roller coaster that was their lives, he didn't know. With their luck, most likely both. 

But if even he could have answered aloud—throat out of commission  _still_ —he probably would have lied. So he did the next best thing that tore his heart out and threw it in the ocean. 

He smiled and nodded, nose twitching, trying to ignore Armin's betrayed and definitely hurt eyes. His lie was so obvious, even Annie looked tortured. His best friend held back his angry tears. 

"I can't fix it if you don't tell me what's wrong, Eren," Armin's voice was watery, thick, "Please, just give me something to fix." 

Eren felt horrible as his mind immediately thought, 'I can't be fixed'. Judging by how Armin finally began to cry, he had guessed as much. 

"You're such an ass," Annie growled and pushed him over into the sand, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" 

'So much,' His mind supplied again and  _fuck no these thoughts were so morbid_. But they wouldn't stop. He dropped the journal, forgetting Erwin Smith, Arlert, whoever he was. 

"I'm s-sorry," He croaked, throat parched again, "Armin." He reached for his best friend, but Armin refused him. 

"We need to tell Levi," Armin began, looking at the waves, wiping away his tears, "And figure this out somehow. I'm not willing to die just because of  _your stupid grudges_." He hissed at Grandfather, who kneeled in the sand and wept. 

Annie stood and took the journal, shaking the sand off the wet pages over Eren's body like he wasn't even there.

"Come on, Annie." Armin grabbed her hand and they walked back to the house, not even looking back.

-

He is so...  _small_. His blond hair is familiar, blue eyes mirroring your own. And you want them. 

But no, the infant is your family, someone to protect. You can't touch him, not with Levi watching him. Maybe this time you can actually save a life instead of take one. 

"Armin," A voice calls, exhausted but full of life, "You're awake, sweetie?" 

A head pokes through the door of the second floor, a beautiful woman with long blonde hair tied back in a braid. Judging by how dark the circles under her eyes are, you guess this is the boy's mother. 

The child in the cradle whines at the sound of his mother's voice and wiggles. 

You move from the boy, away from the closet you desperately want to open, away from the family you don't deserve.  

-

You know it's unfair to him, to everyone, but you can't take it. You can't sleep anymore, only seeing terrifying darkness and the scent of death is so vile, you can feel the muddy trenches, the sounds of war, and then  _They_ come and fuck  _you can't do this_.

-

You watch your lover slowly drown into your madness, Their madness, everything is madness,  _shit_. 

-

The child giggles, six years old now, you've lost count how many you've suffered and had to hurt yourself not to hurt him, but now he's happier. He has a friend, but you can tell instantly how delicious he'd taste. 

"Eren!" Armin laughs as the very brown and very small boy, his best friend (there are pictures on the fridge of them together, it's official) face plants into the sand, "Are you okay?" 

Eren, the small boy, the permanently sad boy, only sniffs and sits up. He's pouting, eyes filling with tears. Shit you want those eyes so badly, you shake, the fourth plane blurring as you try to control yourself. You can't go. Levi will see—you want him to see you for some sick reason—everything, what you've become, what you've turned him into. 

"'M fine..." Eren mumbles, brushing away the sand from his long eyelashes. "Did Mikasa see?" His cheeks are pink, flushed with embarrassment as Armin continues to giggle into his chubby arm. 

Armin looks over his shoulder, smiling widely. 

"Nope! She's drawing something in the sand over by Grandfather." He answers and Eren visibly relaxes. 

"Good." Eren stands and walks so close to you, you can't help but flex your fingers, black claws so close to the boy's throat; now his eyes. Eren begins crying in earnest. 

"Eren!" Armin yips and runs to his side. You flinch back and feel the presence of Another. You turn, see Levi from the doors,  _the balcony_ —you try drowning yourself in the waves. It doesn't work, in spite of being easier. After all, you’ve already done it once.

So you try every night.

-

You watch your drunk father hate your brother for your selfishness.

-

You watch as your mother brings home your ashes, the engraved name  _Erwin Smith_ , as you requested. It must have broken her heart.

-

The first time you see your reflection, after fifty years of self-pity and shame, you howl. Levi comes out of the closet, but he's on the first plane, unseeing, watching the boy on the floor writhe in pain. You begin to scratch the bedroom door, forgetting doorknobs are a thing, until you physically cannot move anymore, Eren screaming out, so hot, so bright you vanish. 

It burns so much; you stay on a different plane. The fourth is too painful. 

You stumble into the bathroom, the bathroom that was once yours, where you had your last kiss, and look into the mirror. It still reflects despite your hiding place. 

Eyes gone, mouth stretched, teeth bared in an ever-present grin. You're hunched, spine too long, arms thin and nearly reaching your calves. You lift your fingers, gone black from the tip of the claw to the second knuckle. You feel infected, close to trying to drown yourself again but then you hear voices. 

"Don't do that to me again," Eren is crying, always crying, eyes always calling to you, "I can't lose you too." 

He is talking to Levi, who stands still in his arms. You watch on from the bathroom, Eren's mere presence making your skin sting.

"Just hug me back, you idiot." The boy laughs, but you feel disturbed, jealous, angry,  _hungry_ , "You need it more than I do." 

Nearly gasping, you can only stare as Levi crumbles and hugs back, desperate, equally as hungry as you are no doubt, but hugging the boy anyway. How does he do it? 

But the hug doesn't end quickly. They hold each other for a long time, closely, severely, almost intimately.

Oh. 

If you had a heart, it would have been crushed all over again.

-

Your brother calls you and you answer. 

You almost kill Eren. You feel dissatisfaction—you felt the life hold on by a thread, a delicious happiness surging through you as he wheezed—that he lived. But then you realize how terrifying and fucked up that is. 

The waves don't kill you but you keep trying. 

-

He finds the key again and you can breathe. But then Levi breaks down and you ache so deep, so much, you want the kids to kill you already.

-

Eren lay in bed, dreams so vivid he felt like he had lived them. His eyes were still closed, too afraid of what he might find should he open them, but then he felt soft fingertips pushing away his hair. They lingered on his forehead, thumb caressing his cheek. 

He was so in love with Levi it made his ribcage expand, heart forcing its way up to his throat, probably trying to feel his fingertips. He couldn't blame it. 

"Eren?" 

He snapped his eyes open, mouth gaping. 

"You're awake!" 

Mikasa stood over him, grinning, a suitcase at her ankles. He had mistaken her touch for Levi's. Heat rising to his cheeks, tears suddenly present, he tugged her into a hug. 

"Oh," She breathed in surprise, but then pinched his side. He cried out, letting her go. "That's for not writing me back, idiot." 

She was pouting, blissfully unaware of the horror spinning around her. Eren sobbed. 

"It's okay, I'm not  _that_  mad," She mumbled into his chest, struggling to wiggle onto the bed with his tight hug back, "But you're still an idiot." He continued to weep on her, shaking and mumbling nonsense. "Hey, wait, Eren, are you okay? You can't be crying this hard over few months of not seeing each other." 

"'M fine..." He mumbled, remembering Erwin's memories, his own seven year old body covered in sand as he cried. He felt like he was just a toddler again. But Mikasa saw this time. 

"You're obviously not," Mikasa pulled away firmly and resting her hands on his arms, "Eren, seriously, tell me what's wrong. And why are you wearing a scarf in July?" 

His hand went to his throat, only then remembering his bruises. Armin, he guessed, it on to hide the evidence of his near death experience. Mikasa would have gone nuts. 

"I'm sick," He said, a half-truth. Mentally, yes, he truly was. "And I'm fine. I know what I have to do to... fix this." 

She looked confused and suspicious simultaneously. 

"Just—" Eren paused, huffing, "Let me look at you, okay?" 

Sitting back, eye twitching with impatience, Mikasa waited for him to say something. But he kept on looking, memorizing. He had a feeling he wouldn't get a chance to for a while. 

Mikasa was just as beautiful as he remembered, wearing running shorts and shoes, no makeup, a typical college student. Her hair was shorter and slightly curled in the heat, but her bright eyes were the same as ever—watching him with concern. 

"You look great, sis," He whispered, fresh tears falling again, "I've missed you so much." 

"Missed you too," Her voice was hushed, matching his. She sounded sad. "It's lonely without my annoying little bro." 

He let out a startled laugh, heart racing from the words 'annoying little bro'. It was so amazing to hear again. 

She grinned as his mouth split into a smile, "There it is. I've missed your smile." 

"Me too," He mumbled and leaned forward, kissing her cheek before pulling her in for another hug. "So good to see you." 

After a long minute, she leaned away and stood. She grabbed her suitcase and walked to the closet. 

"Mind if I share a room with you?" 

Eren yelped and shot out of bed. Mikasa stumbled back as he slammed the closet door shut, leaning his back against it. 

"Actually, you can take Armin's room," Grandfather appeared by the doorframe, eyes rimmed red and puffy. He ignored Eren entirely. "They can share." 

"Oh," Mikasa nodded, glancing at the both before stepping to the door, "Okay. Where is he?" 

"Work," Grandfather answered and turned towards the steps. Mikasa followed while Eren gripped the closet doorknob. "He'll be back soon." 

"You get set up," Eren called after her once she looked to him, Grandfather walking down the stairs. "I need a shower."

Mikasa nodded, looking him up and down.

"Yeah, you really do." She smiled cheekily before opening Armin's door and disappearing.

Slumping against the floor, Eren let out a deep breath. He took a moment before crawling to his bedroom door and shutting it. Mikasa couldn't know. 

"Levi?" He whispered, hoping for the best, but the man didn't appear. Even no scratching. "Levi?" He tried again, standing and moving to the closet. "Are you in there?" 

"Over here."

Eren spun on his heel and nearly swallowed his heart. Levi was in the bathroom, arms crossed and lips pinched, naked again. 

"You were out cold for a day." Levi began, tone taking on a disappointed-mom note. Eren tried not to make a lame excuse, as was habit. "Annie carried you to bed from the beach." 

"So... you know?" Eren asked, looking to his feet. 

Levi clenched his jaw, looking down at Eren's feet as well. He was tracking sand everywhere. 

"It's all true," Eren said after Levi refused to answer, "I think I know how I've been seeing... stuff. I used to think they were dreams, dreaming o-of you." His face and neck warmed, prickling. "But somehow, Erwin has been helping us, letting me see what he has, what he thinks." 

The words sounded crazy, but he knew they were right. It made sense, despite the ridiculousness. 

"He wants to help and..." He trailed off, finally looking back to Levi. The man was pressing the heels of his palms over his eyes, over the scarf. Eren tore off the one from his neck. "And he's sorry." 

"Shut up." Levi demanded, but his voice chinked with ringing wine glasses. "Just shut up." 

"Okay." Eren gave in, knowing Levi was still wrapping his mind around the fact his ex-lover was still somehow alive (though perhaps that wasn't the right word). The ugly jealousy and anger at Erwin was gone, mind clear. 

Eren took a step towards Levi, who took one back into the bathroom until he was crowded against the wall. The toilet prevented him from escaping as Eren held out his arms and caged Levi in a hug. He shook. He shook and convulsed and shuddered. Eren waited for the dam to break again, wondering just how many times Levi could keep breaking until there was nothing left to put back together. 

Levi hugged him, just like in Erwin's memories, just like his own memories, desperate and rattling. The inhuman noises were so quit he had to strain to hear the sorrowful and grief stricken notes, mourning their loss.

-

Eren showered, changed, gave Levi new clothes (the previous ones shredded in his anguish), and dared to kiss his cheek, ignoring how much it hurt knowing he probably couldn't ever do that again. He ran downstairs before Levi could respond, lunch a pretty fucking valid excuse thank you very much.

Mikasa brightened once he entered the kitchen, arm around Armin. His best friend glanced at his covered neck and smiled a small apology.

"So, Armin tells me there is a party tonight?"

"Yeah. Reiner's house." 

"Mansion, you mean," Mikasa corrected, still out of the supernatural loop. "How's he and Bert?" 

Armin had to answer for him, as Eren stuffed a taco in his mouth to stop from cursing and blabbing the truth. 

"It's... a delicate situation." 

"Oh," Mikasa cast Eren a knowing look, "So he's still in the closet?" 

Eren choked on his taco. 

"W-What?" He downed his water, throat flaring in discomfort. 

"Reiner. Is he still in the closet?" 

Letting out the tension in his shoulder, because wow he thought Mikasa was talking about Levi and where he had left him, Eren nodded. 

"It's not easy. I still... haven't." Eren lowered his voice, "Just don't bug him about it. Bert's sick right now and they aren't exactly... as close as they used to be." 

Mikasa nodded, frowning, "Okay. Then what about you? Got someone?" 

Eren flushed as Armin's eyes flicked to the ceiling before settling on his face. He gave Eren a sad smile. Eren looked to his plate, sighing. Of course Armin knew.

"No, I don't." He met Armin's gaze before turning to Mikasa. "But I'll live." His nose twitched and Armin glared at him. 

"Could you get the ice cream from the basement?" Armin turned to Mikasa, who nodded, "Thanks, Mikasa." 

"No prob." She replied and immediately opened the door, turned on the light, and disappeared down the steps. "What flavor?" She yelled. 

"Whichever!" Armin yelled back and then swooped upon Eren. "You lied, your nose twitched." 

Eren rested a hand over his neck, over the scarf. It was hot and incredibly itchy. 

"Sort of. Not really... I just... know what I need to do now." 

"Eren, don't you dare hurt yourself." Armin hissed, hearing the basement freezer slam, "The journal is hidden for now and Levi knows, but we can figure something else out." 

"It's the only way," Eren whispered, "You said we had to show acts of true love, didn't you? To beat them? Well, I know mine." 

Armin floundered as Mikasa trudged up the steps. 

"You only had mint chocolate chip," Mikasa said, not noticing their intense glares and whispering, looking down at the container, "But whatever, it's the best flavor." 

She grinned impishly while Eren was distracted and pressed the icy container on the back of his neck, just over the scarf. 

His shriek echoed throughout the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: from the depths
> 
> Considering how dark this has been getting, I know it seems kind of weird that suddenly Mikasa is here and happiness is coming back. But that's on purpose. Grandfather is still nutty and Levi is still struggling with everything concerning Erwin and Eren. I have a reason for this change in atmosphere! 
> 
> My birthday is July 9th, so don't expect an update until a few days after then. I will be bathing in money, and Winter Soldier and Assassins Creed posters (hopefully, I mean that's all I want in life). 
> 
> And because I was an ass and didn't update for so fucking long, I'll tell you a little secret: huge eren and levi chapter coming up like whoa it only took 20 chapters lol


	20. cor aut mors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longgggg chapter! More characters! Plot! Horror! Romance! Fuck yes. 
> 
> Fanart links in end notes. :)

The bedroom was eerily quiet and empty, the closet door open and revealing no occupant. The sun was setting, so the balcony was practically glowing off of the coast. Yet still, no sign of Levi. Eren could only pray he hadn't made a mistake, kissing Levi's cheek. He hadn't planned to, but with what he had to do in mind, it seemed right. He might not get another chance. 

But Mikasa was right behind him, so he couldn't linger in the room to look for him. 

"When's the party?" She asked, walking into the room and sitting on the edge, the same place Levi usually chose. Eren forced down a scream of frustration.

"Not sure, probably when the sun goes down. You'll have to ask Armin." He said, crouching to his bag. 

"Fireworks?" 

Eren took out his clothes and slowly turned to her, smiling, "It's Reiner. Of course." 

Mikasa returned the grin, wiping sweat off her forehead. "So he hasn't changed much? He always had flare." 

"Um, well," He chewed his lip, "He's different, but there's still a bit of the old him there." 

"Oh?" Mikasa leaned to him, running her hands through his hair as he bent further down to dig out a clean pair of briefs from his duffel, "Different how?" 

Still kneeling, enjoying her long nails as they massaged his head ( _this_ was what he missed, what he loved about Mikasa), Eren hummed. 

"Just... different. He's having a tough time."

She paused her scratching and he looked up. Her face was contorted. 

"Is it about Bertoldt?" 

Eren sighed. Mikasa always was so perceptive .

"Probably a good portion is about him. It... It isn't easy." He swallowed, "Being gay isn't easy, especially with his family." 

"Christian?" 

"No," He said, standing and sitting next to her on the bed. "Just homophobes. When they heard about me, they sent mom and dad long letters and emails." 

Mikasa bumped his shoulder before resting her head on him. He followed, exhaling slowly at the comfort. 

"They forced me to come out to them, same with Reiner. Armin said he's getting better though, after graduation he just said 'fuck it'." 

"That's good," Mikasa said, taking a long pause. "God, I hate people." 

Eren laughed, ribs expanding and feeling light. 

"Me too." 

-

They arrived late, therefore receiving the worst parking spaces. Eren had to close his eyes as Armin attempted to parallel park between two large cars, but with encouragement from Mikasa, he managed. They had only been walking five minutes along the battery when Mikasa screamed. Eren immediately looked around for eyeless creatures and judging by Armin's reaction—shrieking and putting a head over his mouth—he had the same idea. But then Mikasa laughed and Eren fought down the urge to yell at her. 

"What was that?" Armin caught his breath, hand over his chest. 

"Don't tell me you don't remember," She turned them, red-faced and grinning. "We used to scream, right over, over the water." 

As she spoke, Eren grasped at the straws of happy memories, of the times before he had to leave his family back in California as he followed his parents. They collectively drew to a halt, the sun setting nicely over the waters, but already the west coast smog was settling, no doubt mixed with the smoke from early fireworks. 

"Oh, right." Armin said, turning to Eren, "You were upset you broke that boy's arm and wouldn't talk for a while, so we came out here and just... screamed." 

Eren smiled, "Yeah, no, I remember." He swallowed around the bruises around his neck, "We yelled ourselves hoarse until a woman threatened to call the cops on us." 

Mikasa snorted, "That was great. She was so mad." 

"We came back the next week when we had our voices and did it again. And she really did call the cops on us." 

"A firm warning," Mikasa pinched her face, mocking the woman, "'Now don't you go around screaming your heads off. There could be a real emergency.'"

Armin laughed and Eren leaned on the rails roping off the water from the concrete battery. 

"Those were nice cops, just giving us an eye roll and stern 'Don't do it again, okay?'" 

Mikasa looked at the boys and Eren felt he had an inkling as to what she was going to say. 

"We should scream again." 

"Mikasa, we're already late as it is. We'll miss the fireworks." Eren argued, knowing his throat wouldn't hold out and he'd probably lose his voice again. And damn, was that annoying. 

But then she broke out the 'pout-y lip'. 

"Come on, it's been so long." She turned to Armin for backup. "Please." 

His best friend caved, the traitor. Though he looked sorry for giving in, Armin nudged him and leaned in close. 

"Just for like two seconds and then I'll get you a drink from Reiner's."

Eren scrunched up his nose. 

"Water only." 

Armin snorted, giving him a stink eye before nodding to Mikasa. She puffed up and grabbed the rail.  

"Ready?" 

Eren couldn't hide his excitement or smile. 

"Ready." 

It hurt like the  _Dickens._ Armin cut off when he did, which was embarrassingly early, but Mikasa kept on going, shaking her head and spreading her arms to the air. Eren felt his chest expand at the sight—she looked so happy. 

But even she had to come back for air, ending on a strong note, fading out and clapping her hands. 

"Wow. I forgot how amazing that feels."

If a burning throat was supposedly amazing, he wanted out. 

They managed to grabbed Mikasa and tug her in the direction of Reiner's, distracting her by holding her hands and Armin asking her about her summer semester. 

Reiner's house, more appropriately coined a mansion, was already full of people. It was three stories, like the Arlert's, but with a garage and pool. The yard was enough to hold at least two hundred people, but still, it was packed. Eren felt the hairs on his body stand, smelling alcohol and of course, smoke. Mikasa was practically bouncing with happiness though, smacking Eren in the arm whenever he laughed at her.

"I'm just so excited to see everyone," She explained while Eren massaged his sore arm, "It's been seven years, you ass, stop laughing."

"Sorry," Eren mumbled, staring at the back of Armin's head as they walked up the driveway, "I'm happy you're happy."

"Of course I'm happy!" She yelled and dogs from around the neighborhood began to bark, people tossing them looks. Armin stifled a snort. "I'm with my favorite people in my favorite place."

"Reiner's house isn't that nice." It was a lie. The house was amazing.

"I mean't the beach," Mikasa smacked him again, "California, Armin's house. Do you remember swimming all day and Armin got so burnt, Grandfather took him to the hospital?"

Armin whirled around, flushed while the siblings laughed. "Hey! I can name a few things you dorks did, so laugh it up while you can."

"What?" Eren struggled to straighten, nearly running into a bush, "But I'm perfect!" He had to yell over the loud music and crowd.

Mikasa grabbed his hand and yanked him out of the way of a couple sitting in the front yard, jogging up the stairs and through the open door. N' Sync was playing in the large speakers, people dancing and mingling, no doubt buzzed judging by the three large kegs in the entryway. Eren didn't recognize a single face.

"Happy fourth!" Someone yelled and the house echoed with screams and yells.

He had forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. He wondered how in the world he'd enjoying this sort of thing before, being so ignorant. As he watched the people mingle, his sister and his best friend looked thoroughly out of place. Obviously they hadn't expected so many people, along the atmosphere. 

"Um, I didn't think it'd be like this." Armin said to Eren, who nodded, agreeing. "I mean, he said he'd have alcohol and fireworks, but I didn't realize he invited the entire school." 

"Oh, so you know a few people?" 

He laughed bitterly, "Know  _of_  them. I don't think I told you guys, but ever since Bert's accident, Reiner's been off. He sort of chose a different crowd near graduation." 

"Annie said it was personal." Eren ended the conversation, "Anyway, where is he?" 

"Fireworks in five minutes!" Reiner suddenly appeared at the top of the steps, flanked by Connie and Jean. "Oh my god, is that Mikasa!"

He was beaming, struggling down the steps with the help of Connie. Mikasa met him halfway once Armin pushed her to him. They hugged, Reiner's arms completely encircling her waist. He tried to pick her up, but at her warning and Jean's yells of 'Oh no, not on the stairs while tipsy', he let her go.

"Eren didn't say anything about you being here!" He said, looking to Eren, who looked away the moment their eyes connected. He felt incredibly awkward, having pushed Reiner's tendency to touch to the back of mind. 

"It was a surprise," Mikasa spoke over the music, "Great party!"

"Thanks!" Reiner yelled back and joined her down the steps, pulling Eren in for a side hug. Eren detested side hugs and quickly squeezed him back before untangling himself and joining Armin. "Where've you two been?"

"Around," Eren said, "You know, the usual."

Reiner snorted, looking to Armin. "The usual? So, reading and staying indoors?"

"Yep." Armin answered, shifting closer to Eren. "Mikasa just got here, so we'll definitely be seeing everyone more."

Mikasa latched her self to Eren, not even looking to an obviously staring Jean. Eren watched him with amused eyes.

"Want to light a few fireworks?" Reiner asked, smacking Jean in the chest as he talked, "Jean and I are blazing it up on the roof."

"Cool cool," Eren nodded, "Sure, Armin? Mikasa?"

"I want to light a few." Mikasa agreed.

Armin hesitated, "Is it safe to light them on your roof?"

"Of course," Connie jumped into the conversation, "We have extinguishers and 911 on speed dial."

"You dumbasses have fun," They heard and turned, watching Ymir cut into the group, an arm around Krista, "We're having a Monopoly tournament afterwards in the basement, if you want to join. No, not you Connie."

Connie opened his mouth like he was going to argue back, but he seemed to think better and turned around, giving her his middle finger. Ymir snorted into her cup.

"Oh come on, I was joking," She defended when the group gave her a look, "He knows he'll lose."

Mikasa spoke up, crossing her arms, "Oh yeah? I bet I can take you on."

"It's on, babe." Then she blinked. "Oh! Mikasa!" She pulled her into a hug, sandwiching Krista. "Good to have you back, it's been way too long."

Mikasa smiled, putting her arm around Eren's waist as she leaned away from Ymir. He squeezed her back, happy to have her so close.

"How's college?" Krista asked, "Anything like they say it is?"

Eren quickly tuned out the conversation, sneaking glances between Armin and Reiner, wondering what his best friend was thinking of. Annie had warned them about him and how close he was to falling prey to the Augenfressers, but he looked happy. His eyes were glued to the girls as they talked, smiling and laughing whenever Mikasa told a story. 

"Where do you think Annie is?" Armin whispered to him. Eren had to lean over to hear him. 

"Maybe upstairs, with the fireworks." Eren suggested. Armin nodded and tugged him to the steps, Jean trailing after them.

"So, Mikasa is back." Jean grinned when they got to the top of the steps and led them to the roof, through a window and out the screen. "Did she say how long she's staying?" 

Eren held onto Armin's hand as they wobbled onto a more level edge, spotting Annie lounging near a huge box. 

"Why don't you ask her?" Eren said, "She was right in front of you." 

"Yeah, but she scares me." Jean answered honestly, "Dude, did you see the size of her arms? Legs?" 

Armin laughed at Eren's face. 

"No, I didn't. I wasn't looking." 

"Hey... Annie?" Jean stopped mid-step as they drew closer, "How'd you get up here?" 

She didn't look amused with his question. 

"I'm blind, not a cripple." 

"Well yeah," Jean muttered, "But how'd you not fall?" 

"Reiner helped me up." 

"Anyway," Armin cut in before Jean could further question her. Eren tossed her a look that translated into 'that was a dumb move'. "Fireworks? How many did you guys buy?" 

Jean leaned over Annie, who didn't flinch, to toss a two large boxes of matches to both of the boys. Eren took his and found his half empty. His guess was Connie, the pyromaniac, had gotten a hold of them. 

"A few hundred," Jean smirked when Armin's jaw went slack, "Reiner's parents gave him five hundred for his birthday, not to mention his huge graduation check." 

"And he spent it all on fireworks? For a party?" Eren asked, thinking of the possibilities of having so much money. Maybe he'd get a portable CD player or a beat up car. 

Shrugging, Jean swiped a match and watched the flame. 

"I don't get it either, but hey, it'll be cool to watch." 

After a moment of silence, they heard the window open and Mikasa crawled out, Reiner behind her. 

"Alright, sun's down and we have a lot of shit to blow up." Reiner rubbed his hands together. "Mikasa, would you like to do the honors?" 

She took Jean's box of matches as an answer, nodding to the first firework he pulled out of the box. 

"We're lighting near the pool, so over there," He pointed to ledge, "We'll prop them up and shoot 'em off." 

Armin looked to Eren, eyes worried. 

"I'm pretty sure you're supposed to stake them in the ground." 

Reiner didn't hear him or ignored him as he grabbed the box and Annie's hand, guiding them all to the side of the roof. There was a small rail to prop small and large fireworks on to shoot upwards, the pool below them. 

Eren imagined pushing Jean into the pool from the roof, just to hear his screams and Reiner's laughter. 

Setting up the first few fireworks in a row, Reiner took a step back, holding onto Annie still and gave Mikasa a go-ahead nod. 

It wasn't until the very end that something went wrong and it shocked Eren. At first, everything was amazing and they were high on the good mood and the beauty of the explosions. The crowd out on the lawn and pool area ooh'd and yelled, clapping, screaming out 'That's my favorite! No, that one!'. But then when it was Reiner's turn to light a few, Eren having just lit his own few, he felt something off. 

Immediately, he looked to Annie, who looked tense and was holding onto Armin's shoulder, whispering quickly into his ear. He looked terrified. 

"Reiner!" Eren tried to grab him, but it was too late. He pitched over the edge of the roof.

-

"He's okay," Armin assured his grandfather, who looked various shades of purple and red simultaneously, "Just a few scrapes and bruises from hitting the bottom of the pool from such a long fall." 

Mikasa was shaken, wearing Eren's jacket, firework powder smudged on a cheek, but he kept her underneath his arm as they explained what happened. 

Grandfather looked twitchy, snapping his eyes from each other the kids to upstairs. He hadn't given them permission to go to the party, but they had gone anyway. 

"Connie and Sasha dove in after him," Armin continued, "Sasha got him to breathe again while Connie called 911. He had it on speed dial." 

Eren repressed a hysterical snort. 

Grandfather took a deep breath when Armin finished, hands shaking at his sides. 

"To bed, all of you. Armin you're sleeping with Eren in his room." The underlying statement was clear: so he can't be alone with Levi. 

"Okay, fine." Armin relented and they walked upstairs, not even offering a good night. Mikasa didn't seem to notice, still a bit pale and gripping onto the jacket with white knuckles. 

They reached the third floor and Armin broke off, giving Mikasa a quick hug before nodding to Eren. 

"He's fine, Mikasa," Eren whispered and pulled her to him, cheek resting on top of her head. She shook in his arms for a long moment before nodding, "He tripped." He lied.

"Eren," Mikasa said, voice low, "He didn't even scream. He just... fell. Walked off the edge." 

"Maybe he did it for the fun," He struggled to find a logical, realistic, non-supernatural explanation. "He sure shocked everyone." 

"Why didn't we stick around?" She asked, pulling away. "We could have stayed. We should have, he needs us right now." 

He sighed, suddenly exhausted. 

"He has Annie right now and that's enough." 

She looked like she was going to argue back so Eren leaned down and kissed her cheek. 

"Get some sleep," He suggested, "We'll call in the morning. We can even visit him. Bake him shit." Cracking a smile, she let it go and hug him once more before moving to Armin's room, shutting the door behind her. 

"How'd it go?" Armin asked when opened the door, "She okay?" 

Eren shrugged. 

"Not sure, but I think we're in the clear." Armin nodded and looked to the closet. 

"He's not there." He asked Eren's silent question, "I don't know where he is. I tried talking to him, but he hasn't said anything." 

"Well, if he wants to show up, he will." Eren's heart jumped at the thought of seeing Levi's face. "Let's just go to bed. I'm really tired." 

Already dressed in his pajamas, Armin slipped in the sheets. 

By the time Eren was done, his teeth brushed, and changed, he could hear Armin's soft breath slow and even out. Tossing one last glance to the closet and refusing to look under the bed—he wasn't eight anymore—Eren climbed in and settled near the middle. 

His pulse jumped as he felt the atmosphere change and bed dip.

Trying to stay quiet, to keep from waking Armin, Eren turned on his side to face Levi. He shifted his weight, making the man turn his head. His long hair slid across his face before pooling onto the pillow. Eren had to take a deep breath, hoping to calm his racing heart, but nothing helped. 

Levi was there, he was laying next to him, watching him. His lips parted, exhaling a shaky breath. He forgot Reiner, the monsters; focusing purely on Levi's flushed face. 

They both knew what this was. This tension had been growing, sneaking under both of them before they knew what was going on. And now, they couldn’t get away. 

He was eighteen, but had never kissed anyone on the lips before. Love was something he always feared and didn’t understand. It was too good for him. He was too fucked up for something so amazing. He couldn't give Levi what he wanted. 

His chest squeezed at the sight of Levi’s cheeks flushing deeper, even in the darkness of the room. Eren had no doubt his own cheeks matched. This was really happening. 

Moving closer, Eren watched as Levi shifted onto his side, swallowing, fidgeting. Of course, Levi would be nervous. His last kiss had probably been the day Erwin died. His last love had ended in tragedy and what would keep this one from such an end? He leaned closer in spite of the thought. The man was so close, so perfect. Levi shivered as Eren's breath fanned over his face. 

Eyes flickering down to his pastel lips, Eren pressed his own together and backed away minutely.

He was giving Levi a chance. A chance—as much as it hurt to admit—to back out, to reject him, to be the better man and say no. This would be impossible. They couldn’t be together. Levi was stuck as he was and Eren was human, a little boy would still had dreams of college, of having a family, a job. But as he looked back to Levi’s face, imagining Levi’s eyes behind the blindfold, he knew he’d never be happy without him. Levi was a permanent fixture in his life.

Pressing forward.

The touch was freezing. It shocked him to the point he forgot to breathe. Levi’s lips were cold, smooth, soft, easily manipulated. Without thinking, Eren brushed a hand to his face to better angle him. Woefully inexperienced, but stubborn, Eren kept on kissing him. He tried to memorize his mouth, ruining him for all kisses, laying ruin to his lips, finally pushing past to taste him. 

He wanted to laugh, to sob, to never stop. Levi tasted of chocolate, of the brownies he had shared so many nights ago. 

Obviously the better kisser, Levi slowly gained his confidence. He pushed back, the wet noises and whisper of sheets doing nothing to stop him. At this point, Armin was not even in the same room anymore. He utterly was forgotten. The only thing Levi cared about was the boy clinging onto him, kissing him back with equal desperation and love. 

Levi yanked away, exhaling harshly. A trail of saliva broke from their lips as Eren chased him, whining softly at the disconnection. Levi pushed the boy back with his hands. 

"Eren," He whispered, broken. "I can’t do this again." 

He wanted Eren so much, it physically pained him. Being so close to his eyes was already difficult, but having an open invitation to his heart, his soul, was tearing him apart. He could feel again. The warmth he provided called to him and he  _needed_  it. Fifty years of holding onto a lesser love had nearly killed him, but looking at the boy’s flushed face, his beautiful eyes swimming with sleepy tears, he knew if he lost him, he would truly fall. He wouldn't come back. He'd be truly dead. 

"Levi," Eren said, voice low, but definitely not a whisper. "Stop thinking. Forget about the future. I’m here,  _now_." 

Caressing his soft cheek, Eren felt his throat tighten and close as Levi let out sorrowful chimes, barely loud enough for him to hear anymore. His noises had steadily faded, only quiet echoes now. But nonetheless, it hurt. Levi was in pain. 

"I’m sorry," Eren went on, "I’m sorry, but I can’t stop feeling this way about you." 

Bravely, because he needed to see it, Eren pulled the blindfold up and away from Levi's eyes. He wanted to see everything Levi was, who he was, as he kissed. He wanted to see this and remember the moment, especially with the days to come.

Levi let out a sharp, almost inaudible sob. His lips parted again, wet as he held in his emotions. 

"I can’t stop loving you," Levi whispered, words jumbled, "And this time it will kill me." 

Eren brought his face back for a quick, urgent kiss. Something in his chest ruptured, a final blow to break the dam, flooding him with happiness and overwhelming passion. Levi whined against him, but returned the kiss anyway. Desperately, they clung to each other until Eren too began to cry. His tears trailed down to his pillow, sliding in the curve of his nose. Levi wiped them away with a thumb, trembling, claws so close to his eyes.

"I’d give them to you if you asked." Eren breathed, "I’d give you anything." 

Levi yanked away his hand, shaking his head. 

"No," He croaked, "Stop loving me, just stop. I’m already lost." 

"I'll never stop coming for you," Eren pressed their foreheads together, staring into the blackness of his sockets without fear, "I won’t give up on you." 

Letting out a surprised gasp, Eren melted into Levi’s sudden kiss. It was their third and as Levi pulled away, Eren prayed it wouldn't be their last.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: heart or death
> 
> it hurts ow the next few chapters are gonna fucking hurt i apologize in advance. 
> 
> Go give these artists likes, kudos, reblogs, whatever the fuck, just so much love they drown in it because LOOK AT THESE AMAZING WORKS. 
> 
> [art here](http://shingeki-no-erens-butt.tumblr.com/post/91441515556/levi-was-levi-he-wasnt-a-monster-he-was-a) by shingeki-no-erens-butt and [here](http://shingeki-no-erens-butt.tumblr.com/post/89401826581/it-was-hunched-over-as-if-cradling-whatever-body), [art here](http://annie-leonhardt.tumblr.com/post/90237344680/apparently-sleep-isnt-a-thing-thats-going-to) by annie-leonhardt and [here](http://annie-leonhardt.tumblr.com/post/90220256720/i-know-its-shitty-but-augenfresser-gives-me-so), [art](http://manletfag.tumblr.com/post/89864364527/i-think-about-this-fic-a-lot) by renless, [art](http://hypermanica.tumblr.com/post/89269552149/inspiration-augenfresser-author-cottontale) by hypermanica, [art](http://cotttontale.tumblr.com/post/89332289670/submitted-fanart-by-pyrlolita-no-tumblr) by pyrlolita, [art](http://cotttontale.tumblr.com/post/91764409905/hi-cottontale-here-the-augenfresser-cover) by korchan and [art](http://cissyswonderland.tumblr.com/post/91866557175/for-the-lovely-foxicology-her-horror-story) by cissyswonderland.
> 
> New blog at: [foxicology](http://foxicology.tumblr.com)


	21. de mortuis nil nisi bonum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: suicide mentions
> 
> also casual reminder that Eren is still a teenager and is going to wake up with boners every now and then, but there won't be any smut in this fic. lol

There was something calming about waking up in someone else's arms, in spite of having a very hard dick and said other person's unnaturally sharp claws digging into your thigh. Eren chose to take a moment to calm down, to will himself to relax, knowing his heart was racing and incredibly loud in the very quiet room. The sun wasn't even up yet, but he knew Armin was no longer in bed with them as he sank more towards Levi's weight. Oh shit,  _Armin_. 

Frantically, Eren looked around the room, not daring to move from Levi, who was still cold, but slowly warming up as they cuddled.  _Cuddled._

The room was dark, the doors to the balcony fogged with morning dew and dripping. The ocean was ever moving, back and forth, bringing his anxiety attack to a low-level panic. Well, it was something at least. 

Praying to whoever was listening—which was probably nobody because who wanted to listen to Eren Jaeger—that Armin hadn't woken up in the middle of the night, hearing them kiss and cry and be vaguely pathetic individuals, Eren fought to keep his cool. Sarcasm seemed to be a defense mechanism when he didn't know what to do. 

But then Levi exhaled and wiggled—fucking  _wiggled_ —closer to him, cold limbs brushing against his chest before settling near his thigh and hip. The claws were still digging into him, ow, but he couldn't bring himself to wake his... lover... up. Levi was his lover. Oh.

Suddenly hot and reminded of the problem in between his legs, Eren held his breath and counted to ten. It didn't help that Levi looked practically adorable while asleep. His mouth was parted, lips wet—don't think about it Eren—and red, the blindfold securely over his empty sockets. Eren's heart felt like it was being scraped out of his chest and he couldn't figure out if he loved or hated the feeling. But reality crashed upon him as the golden light of the sunrise highlighted Levi's long hair and cheekbone. 

Reiner. 

His departure in less than a month. 

Mikasa's slight panic attack. 

Armin's probably scarred conscience. 

Erwin's journal and oh. Erwin. 

Gut sinking, finally calming down both mentally and physically, Eren looked back to Levi. 

He'd made out with Erwin's ex-lover and didn't spare the man a thought. Love was blind he'd heard before, but he didn't realize just how  _blinding_. Which was ironic since Levi had no eyes and Eren probably wouldn't leave California with his own. 

But Erwin. Eren felt vaguely like he had done something to deliberately hurt someone. Erwin wasn't the villain here though, Eren reminded himself. Erwin was an Augenfresser, sure, but a victim, same as Levi. Maybe Erwin could be saved too. 

He didn't regret kissing Levi. If anything, he wanted to do it again, right now, to wake him up with a soft peck because  _he could actually do that now._ Yes, it hurt. But a good hurt that he was willing keep. It wasn't self-harm, right? Pushing himself into a relationship that would fail, because honestly, Levi wasn't someone who he could just up and leave with. Could he?

Imagining Levi with eyes had done something to his mind, because no matter what, thinking of the future, Levi had them back. They'd be brown, he liked brown eyes. They were ordinary, but somehow extraordinary, reminding him of the brownies, of muddy, wet sand. It reminded him of his mother's own eyes, brown and gold in the light. God, his chest hurt so bad, he wanted to see Levi as completely human and happy for once. With him. 

Levi moved again, hand sliding down from his hip, hitting the mattress and curling into the sheets. Eren heard a faint rip and he knew his claws had gotten caught. 

He wanted this so bad. He wanted to burn the blindfold and find instead Levi blinking slowly and looking at him. He wanted Levi to wake up and to hear piano keys playing softly, a happy sound, something entirely different from the fears that plagued them. He wanted to kill the monsters and take Levi for himself. 

So greedy, but if anything, he felt like he deserved the chance to want something so much, he'd do anything for it. He hadn't wanted anything but quiet and an end for so long, it felt amazing to have something to fight for that wasn't just himself. 

"Eren."

Surprised, Eren let out a hiccup and covered his mouth with a hand. Levi smiled. 

"Hi." Eren whispered behind his shaking hand, slightly mortified and ridiculously in love—which wasn't too far, he guessed, for the norm. 

"Hi." 

And because he was new waking up next to somebody, new to relationships, new the love, Eren returned the smile and went for the safe route. 

"How'd you sleep?" He asked, voice low and so husky, he could probably pull a sled. 

Levi hummed, but there were no piano keys, no nothing. 

"Good." Levi answered eventually, but seemed to be hesitating, stiff in the shoulders. "You?" 

Oh, right. Levi was new to this too. He didn't know what to do now that he was allowed this and loved back. Probably wondering if he regretted kissing him, promising him the world, to come back for him no matter how far he went. 

So Eren leaned in and meshed their lips together, taking in Levi's surprised exhale. He soon returned the kiss, not complaining how bad Eren was or how horrible morning breath killed the mood. 

Eren pulled away first, but rested his forehead against Levi's, imagining he was looking into his eyes. 

"I slept pretty good." He finally answered Levi's question and the man gave him another small, happy, in love smile. "But... I don't think Armin did." 

Levi yanked away and nearly punched Eren in the face, but managing to move out of the way, Eren watched the man sit up and look around the room. The sun was nearly up and Armin's side was empty, Eren practically squishing Levi on the opposite edge. 

"Shit." Levi clenched his fists in the sheets, moving his legs before letting out a whine. "Ow, fucking denim."

Remembering that denim was actually a menace to sleep in, Eren winced for him and sat up at well. And because he was a tactile person, Eren rested his head on Levi's shoulder, a hand over the jeans. 

"Sorry," He apologized. "You know you can wear any of my clothes right? I mean, yeah, I desperately need to wash a few things, but anything vaguely clean smelling is a 'go'." 

Levi pushed him away, mouth twisted in disgust.  

"Gross. Wash your clothes, Eren." 

He started to pull the shirt over his head, but at Eren's small exhale, he stopped, hair caught underneath the fabric.

"Could you..." Levi began, but then put the shirt back down. "Cut my hair?" 

"Cut it?" Eren repeated, taking a few pieces into his hands. "Sure. Like you had it before, shaved on the neck?" 

"Yes, I--" Levi froze. "Wait, how do you know that?" 

Another reminder of Erwin and another slash of guilt. 

"Oh, my dreams. You know. I've been seeing Erwin's memories and you had shaved hair on the back of your neck." 

"His memories?" Levi's voice sounded small and slightly apprehensive. "How? What have you seen?" 

It was like explaining the quadric equation to a dyslexic third grader. Mostly, because Eren was slightly dyslexic and had to take his time reading numbers or else he'd completely screw up his formulas and put the 2a where the -b should go. 

Oh, and  _fuck_ imaginary numbers. 

"Well... Armin said he explained a bit to you. That Erwin is, you know." He swallowed, looking to his socks peeking through the navy sheets. "He left me the key, so he's trying to help. I think he meant for me to realize you were good, so he gave me a few memories whenever we were together. Like I was living vicariously through you two, except I was looking through Erwin's eyes. It was weird." 

Levi was silent, mouth open slightly. 

So Eren kept on rambling. 

"I thought maybe they just dreams at first, until I saw you and heard you two talk."

"What—What did we say? What did you see?" 

"A lot. I saw a lot." He wasn't going to describe the intimate, and horrible reality he was trying so hard to forget. 

Mouth snapped shut, Levi looked away and to the balcony again. 

"I'm hungry." Eren announced. "But shower first. Do you..?" He began to ask, but cut off, unsure what he was going to offer. "Um, never mind. I'll try to be quick. We can talk afterwards." 

Giving Levi a few minutes to process everything, Eren kissed his cheek before rushing to the bathroom, heart racing at just the simple, innocent gesture of his lips on Levi's face. 

-

This time, he was his own person. Like on the beach, Eren watched Levi and Erwin talk, except this time, there was no screaming or a balcony. It was obviously before the suicide, as Erwin had his hair placed perfectly, blue eyes not quite as dull. And Levi was the same as ever—short and peeved. 

"You're acting so strange." Levi bluntly said, leaning against Erwin as he read a book on a bed he didn't recognize. He guessed this was Levi's old house. "And you're keeping a journal. You never keep a journal." 

"Surprise," Erwin's voice was unamused, but soft. "I do now." 

"Why?" 

"Must you have to question everything I do?" Erwin snapped his book shut. "Please, let's not fight. I deploy next week." 

Levi scoffed, crossing his arms. "I wasn't fighting with you, you started the defense for no reason. I just want to know why you're acting so strange." 

"Levi," Eren recognized that tone—it was the one his father used when explaining why the government was so fucked up. "I'm leaving for Normandy on Sunday. I'm not excited to leave. I want to stay with you, with my family, but they need me. The war isn't going to stop just because it's inconvenient for us." 

"Okay, asshole," Levi sneered, clearing taking Erwin's words as a childish reprimand. Eren couldn't blame him. "Get the fuck off my bed."

"I—what?" Erwin obviously hadn't expected Levi to start pushing him off the bed with his hands and feet. He gave the blond a good kick to the ribs and Erwin fell, barely managing to land on his feet, gripping the bed sheets. 

"Don't talk down to me like I don't care." Levi looked furious and Eren took a step back, mirroring Erwin. "I know it's inconvenient. Everything is fuckin' inconvenient for us, for the whole world because some prick likes blond hair and blue eyes, even though we all know that reason is bullshit." 

Erwin opened his mouth to argue back, but Levi didn't give him the chance. He too got off the bed and Eren had to scramble to get out of his way, unsure if Levi could touch him or not in this dream (memory?). 

"I had to leave my home, my country, my  _family_ because of this damn war." His voice was slowly losing its hard edge. "And even now that I'm here, I'm losing you too." He was crying, doing a terrible job of pretending like he wasn't a fountain. "So don't lecture me, Erwin, don't you dare. I'm so fuckin' concerned about you and it's... so  _unfair_." Voice cracking, hands over his eyes, Levi sniffed and surprisingly, didn't push Erwin away when he pulled him into his arms. 

Swallowing his jealousy, the sudden hostile urge in him to punch Erwin and take Levi away, Eren looked anywhere but the pair. It was weird, seeing the past as if it was the present; he was the one holding Levi now, crying with him, fighting the monsters for his friends. But so was Erwin, he thought. And obviously this memory was important; Erwin wouldn't show it to him otherwise, yet he didn't know what he was waiting for. 

Had Erwin wanted him to see this argument? Where Levi lived? The human Levi, whom now he could see and—his eyes weren't brown, but a hard slate, clouded with tears? Levi had mentioned a journal; perhaps that was the same one Grandfather now possessed. But... they were at Levi's house, would Erwin even bring it with him? 

Looking around the room, stepping over a discarded shirt that was probably wasn't Levi's—don't think about it, he chanted—it was so large, Eren looked under the bed. No journal, just empty space. 

Eren stood, testing to see if he could touch things by placing a hand on the bed. It was rough, but definitely there. Glancing at the pair, still locked in an embrace, Erwin petting Levi's head, Eren slipped a hand under each pillow. 

Somehow, he struck gold. 

It wasn't the same journal though. The title was not "Teufel", nor fabric with golden letters. It was like a rudimentary leather book an amateur put together with a needle and unsteady hands. 

But nevertheless, the title page said:  _Property of Erwin Smith_

Sitting out of sight—because how weird would a floating journal look like if he was actually there—Eren opened the journal to the first page. 

It was blank. 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Eren barely held back the sudden urge to rip the piece of shit in half. "What the fuck am I here for then?" 

He stood, looking at Erwin and Levi, who were pulled apart now. Erwin kissed his cheek and Levi rolled his eyes, but didn't move. 

"Why did you bring me here?" He asked Erwin, but as if he wasn't there—which he really wasn't—he ignored Eren. "What am I supposed to understand?" 

Erwin smiled sadly, cupping Levi's small face with his large hands, rubbing his thumbs across his cheekbones. 

"I'll miss you." He whispered and Eren's gut sank. It was so intimate, he felt ridiculously embarrassed he couldn't look away, anger leaving him. "There won't be a moment I won't be thinking of you." 

Levi was turning alarming shades of red, but he didn't speak. 

"I'm sorry." Erwin apologized next and Eren had a horrible feeling he wasn't apologizing about leaving for Normandy. "I'm so sorry, but I have to. I'm scared, Levi, so scared." 

This time, Levi comforted him, grabbing his wrists and nodding. 

"It's okay to be scared," Levi began. "It means you're human." 

Eren sucked in a breath, beginning to understand just what Erwin wanted him to see. Maybe the journal wasn't the key. Erwin hadn't given him the journal, but the key to free Levi. He wasn't focusing on the right things. 

"I'd die for you." Erwin mumbled, kissing Levi's forehead. 

And as Eren felt the memory collapse, he understood. 

-

When he woke up, he was laying in the tub, the water turned freezing. The arms around him were even colder, Levi moving his hair from his eyes, panicking. 

"Eren? Eren, what happened? Are you okay?" 

"'M fine," Eren sat up on shaky arms. "Wished he'd wait until I wasn't in the middle of something." 

Levi helped him sit up, asking, "What?"

"It was another memory dream thing." Eren pulled his knees up, covering himself even though Levi wasn't even looking at him anymore, but turning off the shower.

"Erwin?" Levi whispered and Eren nodded, looking to Levi's hands and seeing the black, which had previously been to his knuckles, only at his fingertips. 

Blinking water out of his eyes, Eren tried not to sneeze. 

"Yeah." He sounded congested, but managed keep it in. "B-But I get it now." Shivering in the cool air, he made a grabbing motion towards the towels and Levi quickly acquiesced. "What w-we have to do, specifically." 

"For what?" Levi took the towel from Eren when he only just clutched it to his chest. He began wrapping him and pulled Eren to his feet. 

"The m-monsters," Eren shivered, Levi's cold hands on his still chilled skin. "Armin and Annie were right. It has to be an act of true love." 

"An act." Levi repeated, his own hair wet and sticking to his borrowed shirt. "We knew that." 

"Yeah, but—" Eren puffed out his cheeks, forcing himself to not punch Levi in the arm. Damn, in love or not, Levi could still be annoying. "Not like kissing, which is great by t-the way, but actually putting yourself in the person's place."

But with how he said it, it didn't make sense. Levi already put himself in Armin's place, so what was the difference now? Was it like his previous relationship with Erwin, that he didn't love him enough? 

Damn it, he needed Armin so he could bounce off ideas. 

"L-Let me get dressed," He shook when Levi's claws scratched over his skin. "And we'll find Armin." 

"Isn't your sister here?" Levi asked. "What about her?"

"S-S-Shit." Eren stumbled to his duffle bag and pulled out the last of his clean clothes. "I don't k-know what to do about her. Should I tell her? About everything?" 

"Get dressed first," Walking to the bathroom, Levi grabbed another towel and tossed it to Eren. "You're dripping everywhere." 

"Sorry," Eren mumbled and changed as quickly as he could. He hopped on one foot, still a bit damp, trying to get on a pair of shorts. 

He was in the middle of pulling on his shirt when the bedroom door opened. Mikasa peeked her head in. 

Snapping his head to the bathroom, he saw Levi put a finger to his lips and slowly move out of view, no doubt to hide on a different plane. 

"Hey, how are you feeling?" He rubbed the towel over his head, not bothering with his trail of water on the floor. Mikasa still looked pale. 

"Didn't sleep much," She admitted, walking inside, still wearing his jacket. "Were you talking to somebody?" 

"Myself." He quickly lied, hiding his traitor of a twitching nose with the towel. 

"Oh. Okay." Her voice was soft and he could barely hear her. "Where's Armin?" 

"I don't know, I woke up and he was gone." Throwing his head back, he sprayed her with a little water. She blinked, but jabbed him on the arm. "Ow, sorry, geez." 

Mikasa glared at him until her eyes traveled lower—to his neck. 

"Oh my god!" She shrieked. "Your neck!" 

"I'm fine, I swear, I'm okay," He quickly held up the towel to block her from touching him. "Mikasa, stop." 

"What happened!" She demanded, eyes bright and wet with fresh tears. "Eren, what's going on?" 

"I can... explain." He said weakly, looking to the bathroom, but it was empty. "I'm okay." 

But 'okay' seemed pretty relative as of late.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: speak well of the dead or not at all
> 
> while this is a romance fic, plot comes first, so hang on. the next few chapters are sad and will be hard to chew. 
> 
> [art](http://cissyswonderland.tumblr.com/post/92432282085/the-latest-chapter-of-foxicologys-fic) by cissyswonderland, art [here](http://chaosangel1111.tumblr.com/post/92658916159/remember-that-you-will-die) and [here](http://chaosangel1111.tumblr.com/post/92659147259/i-brought-brownies-he-whispered-and-pushed-the) by chaosangel111.


	22. do ut des

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long chapter because you deserve it, sorry for taking a month, uni started up sigh

He didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t know what to do and he was panicking. Well, he knew what he  _had_ to do and it fucking hurt like a punch to the face and gut simultaneously, but now that he was facing his sister, he was having second thoughts. But he shouldn't. She was worth it, just like Armin and Levi. Erwin was a fucking hero and now that he knew the truth, he couldn't help but feel pathetic and lost.

Mikasa needed to know, but how could he explain? Armin had known of Levi, he had believed everything because his life had been strange and unusual from the beginning. But Mikasa was a different story.

She was still in college, she was healthy, she was normal and everything Eren wasn’t. She had a future. He couldn’t ruin that for her.

But—he put down the towel, hands shaking—she deserved an answer.

“Oh, Eren.” Mikasa walked to him and gently rested her fingers over the bruises. Her voice was hushed and so understanding when he began to sniff, he couldn’t barely keep himself for screaming. “Please, tell me what happened.”

“I don’t know how.” He always cried, why did he always have to cry. “Mikasa, I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” She looked genuinely shocked and nervous. Her voice shook. “What’s happening? Something is going on and I need to know.”

“It’s better that you don’t.” He whispered as she tugged his jacket on closer. “Please, trust me.” It would hurt her so deeply. 

“Eren.” Mikasa looked torn between deep-set panic and resignation. “I trust you. I trust you and love you so much. But… don’t you dare keep this a secret. You can’t isolate yourself again.”

The telling sad notes of wind chimes reached his ears as Mikasa grabbed his hands.

“Do you remember what I told you?”

He nodded, because of course he did. He had even shared that part of his life with Levi.

“Good. It applies to this too. You’re hurt, Eren, and obviously scared. I’m scared too. Reiner tried to  _kill_ himself. You have…” Her voice shifted as if her throat was caught with tears. “You have bruises on your neck and I’m so scared. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“So much.” He broke, the dam having too many cracks to hold the weight constantly beating against it. “You wouldn’t believe me, Mikasa. No, don’t, you wouldn’t. Trust me, this is far bigger than any of us.”

She pulled him to the bed; the sheets still messed up, though Levi’s side was neatly cornered and smooth, bunching towards the middle on Armin and Eren’s edge.

“God, I don’t know how to explain this to you. It’s so fucking crazy.” Eren looked to the bathroom. “Maybe… maybe I could just show you.”

Again, wind chimes, but now accompanied with a stiff breeze as the balcony doors opened. Eren looked over his shoulder to the ledge and wondered if he was doing this right.

Levi had his secrets; he had the right to withhold them. But, they endangered their lives, Mikasa’s life. And now, with a volatile Reiner and Grandfather, things were even worse.

“Start from the beginning.” Mikasa advised. “Tell me everything.”

He took two hours. Two slow hours to get down to the dirty, hard truth and couldn’t look his sister in the eye. He knew Levi was waiting for him on the balcony, silent permission to share his side of the story and open invitation for support.

When he reached the point of Armin’s imaginary friend, she looked ready to stick him in an institution.

“I’m not making this up, I swear.” He begged her to understand. “No, please, let me finish.”

Knowing he couldn’t verbally name the monsters, he gave her the translation and watched with pained eyes as her hands yanked away from him.

“Eye-eaters?”

“Yes. They take everything, feeding off depression. Levi said... said I brought more with me.”

“Levi, you keep mentioning a Levi. He’s Armin’s imaginary friend, Erwin’s lover,  _and_ one of those eye-eaters?” She swallowed. “This is ridiculous. Crazy, this is so fucking crazy. Eren, this can’t be real. Can you even hear yourself—monsters that take people’s lives, their eyes, simply because they want them? And true love?”

“It’s the truth.”

Her eyes were glued to his nose, looking for a lie.

Glancing to the balcony again, Eren slumped, face so warm and stomach so twisted, he felt like puking out his guts.  

“You can meet him.”

“Who? The imaginary friend?” She stood, looking betrayed. “Eren, how could you lie to me? I can’t believe you don’t trust me.”

"No, he's real!" Eren stood this time, walking backwards toward the balcony. "I'm not lying, I promise. Just let me show you. You needed to know the truth or else you'll get hurt."

She was watching him with distrustful eyes, darting her gaze between the bedroom door and her brother.

"Have you been taking your medication?" She finally asked, running out of patience. "Eren, I know you forget. Maybe you're just imagining these things."

"I'm not!" He yelled and heard a thunk from three stories below. He prayed Grandfather would just stay put or else he'd lash out, he was so volatile. "Please, he's real." His voice cracked. 

"How are you so sure? Monsters? Come on, Eren. I want to believe, but this is can't be true."

Eren opened his mouth to speak, but then the doors behind him creaked. He felt a gentle weight on his shoulder, invisible, but there and holy shit this was weird, the different planes were so fucked up. The hand squeezed in support and fingers traced over the bruises and Eren's heart swelled. He turned back to Mikasa, so overwhelmed he wanted to scream off the balcony. 

"Because I love him." 

Mikasa, not expecting his answer, flinched back with her eyes wide. 

"What?" 

The hand on his shoulder slid down his shoulder blades and rested atop the dimples in his spine, under his shirt. It rubbed into each dimple before sliding to his hip, something that felt like a forehead now pressing into his back. Eren realized, rather slowly, that this was Levi's silent confession of agreement and embarrassment. 

Levi loved him back and oh god, he felt weak at the knees. He had known Levi loved him before, but this sudden tactile affection was killing him. He wanted to turn around and kiss him again. 

"I love him, that's how I know this is all real. I've spent these past few months with him." His voice cracked again as he tried to cross his arms and feel more put together than he actually was. "He's real. And he's behind me right now." 

As Levi shifted from the fourth plane to the first, the hand on his hip seemed heavier. Mikasa sucked in a short breath when Eren turned to show Levi, his head down, still dressed in borrowed clothes, the bed head so ridiculous and charming Eren wanted to hold him and laugh. 

"This is Levi." Eren introduced, putting his own hand over Levi's on his hip and keeping it there. The ever-chilling skin made him feel both cold and hot at the same time. 

"W-What's he hiding?" Mikasa's voice was quiet. "The blindfold?" 

"He lost his eyes to the monsters." Eren answered, dipping further down to rest more comfortably with Levi, knees bent slightly. "That's why we need to fight back."  

"Eren..." Mikasa looked like she didn't know what was happening and honestly, she really didn't. "W-What... how?" 

"How?" Eren repeated, confused. 

"How can this be real?" She shook and pulled at her hair, his jacket sleeves falling to her elbows. "He just appeared out of nowhere and—and you love him?" She shook her head. "Oh my god." 

Eren didn't move and held onto Levi for as long as he could. 

-

Breakfast was quiet. 

Mikasa sat at the breakfast bar, chewing her eggs mechanically as Eren eyed her. Grandfather watched them both carefully, suspicious and glaring whenever Eren looked at him. Oh well, Eren couldn't find any fucks to give for the old man. 

As he hadn't eaten properly in days, Eren's hand shook almost violently as he picked up his fork and brought it to his mouth. He wanted to finish quickly, to get away from Grandfather and to stay with Levi more, but the man wouldn't let him leave until the food was gone. Even if he was angry with Eren, he wasn't going to let him starve. 

"Take your medicine." Grandfather smacked a pill next to Eren’s plate, his eyes tired and hard, mouth thin. His sharp tone dared him to argue. Eren didn't have the energy, so he rolled his eyes, but complied anyway. Levi would probably smack him on the arm if he saw.

He finished after downing his pill, dragging Mikasa upstairs before Grandfather could question them. Sighing, he slumped against the bedroom door when they made it back. Levi was sitting on the bed, wearing a different outfit. Eren recognized Armin's jeans and shirt. He felt irrationally peeved that he wasn't wearing his clothes now, but Armin's. 

"Eren, you were gone five minutes." Levi spoke, startling Mikasa who looked like she was about to be sick. "Did you even eat?" 

"I'm fine." Eren grabbed Levi's hand, happy to be back beside him. "I ate enough."

"You have to take care of yourself, idiot." Levi slid off the bed, long hair brushing Eren's arm, reminding him of the haircut he promised.

"I wasn't very hungry." He lied and tugged Levi to the bathroom. "Let's cut your hair while we wait for Armin to come back." 

He sat Levi on the toilet, seat down, and had him straddle the back. 

"Do you mind if I use my brush?" He knew Levi didn't like unnecessary messes, so he did the polite thing and asked. Levi simply shrugged. "Okay, I think there's some clippers and scissors in here. I know Armin cuts his own hair." 

Trying to be normal and act like nothing was wrong, Eren ducked under the bathroom cabinet and pulled out clippers. He set them on the counter and searched for scissors. 

"Got 'em." He pulled out a pair of silver scissors, and his brush from his duffle. "Um. I'll try my best." 

"Wait." They both turned to Mikasa, who was standing, shifting on her feet. "Let me." 

"Are—are you sure?" Eren moved out of the way as Mikasa pushed her way in. Levi tensed and looked to the wall when she stood behind him. 

"It's fine." Her voice was still quiet and soft, but strong enough that she seemed to be coping. Eren felt horrible, but handed over the scissors anyway. 

"He had an undercut," He explained, gesturing with his hands where the top layer cut off, trying to remember details. "Um and he'll have to take off the blindfold." 

Mikasa flinched when Eren untied the scarf and held it. Levi, ever the gentleman, stayed facing forward with his jaw clenched. 

"Okay." Mikasa breathed, forcing herself to calm down. "Sorry, but don't turn around unless I say so. I... really don't want to see empty eye sockets." 

"Mikasa." Eren warned, bristling. He looked down to see her hand holding the scissors, shaking. 

"Okay." Levi said, ignoring Eren. 

She let out another deep breath, shoulders inching down, holding the brush.

"Thank you." She whispered and got to work. 

First, she brushed and yanked out knots, which Eren felt like he had probably left from the other night. Heating up, Eren pointed to his duffel when she began cutting and wetting the hair. 

"I'm going to do laundry." 

She nodded and Levi rearranged his legs, jeans pulling uncomfortably. 

"Will you be okay?" He asked, watching Mikasa's knees shake being so close to Levi, who didn't look any better. "I can do it later." 

"No, go ahead." Her voice was stronger than he expected. "You smell." 

Eren huffed out a laugh and laid Levi's scarf on the counter, within his reach if they were done by the time he was back. 

Without waiting for Levi's quip at the state of his hygiene, Eren picked up his duffel and jogged to the second floor. As he unloaded his bag, he remembered in one of Erwin's memories, that Levi had come down for towels as Erwin prepared to take his life. It felt so strange standing in the same place Levi had once stood, but in completely different circumstances and times. 

Tossing in darks with darks and whatever else he thought maybe was dark, he didn't know, as he never did laundry until his mother complained, Eren closed the lid. And nearly jumped out of his skin. 

"Shit," He put a hand over his racing heart. "You came out of nowhere." 

Grandfather didn't look happy and stayed quiet without correcting his language as he usually did. 

"You told her?"

Eren angrily separated his whites and lights, still trying to settle his pulse. 

"Yes. She deserved to know, it's too dangerous around here." 

"So why don't you leave?" Grandfather said. "You can't do anything." 

When throwing down a shirt didn't make as loud a sound Eren was hoping for, he settled for just glaring the old man. 

"I'm not going to be a coward and fucking run away. I'm not leaving Armin  _or_ Levi." He turned to the machine. "Or Mikasa." 

"Eren." 

Slowly, Eren regained his equilibrium, his silence queuing Grandfather to continue. The elder looked crushed.

"You'll die if you stay." Grandfather said, voice weak in spite of his anger. 

The washer began running and Eren nodded, slowly turning around towards the stairs. 

"I know." 

-

"Wow." Eren walked into the bathroom, watching Mikasa wet down Levi's newly trimmed hair.

"Is it alright?" She asked, looking incredibly relieved he was back, inches upon inches of black hair around her feet. 

"It's perfect." Eren breathed and without asking permission, slid a hand under the longer strands and across the buzzed portion. It was so soft and ticklish. He didn't want to ever stop touching it. 

Levi looked like he had as a human. Pale still, but with shorter hair, broad shoulders now more pronounced as they weren't curtained behind long hair. Armin's shirt stretched over his chest, too small and narrow. The blindfold was back in place. Eren wanted to laugh and cry. 

After a long silence, Mikasa turned, her eyes wet and bright. 

"Eren, you can't just ignore the problem." The sudden change of topic had him jumping away from her. 

"What?" 

"Reiner tried to kill himself." 

A sharp knife to the chest. 

"I... I know." He whispered, watching as she took a deep breath and placed the scissors on the counter, carefully enough she didn't come close to Levi. 

“I cut your monster’s hair.” She faced him, cheeks flushed. “I’m still here. I believe you. But… this is still crazy. Stop acting like nothing is happening.”

“I’m not,” He insisted, grabbing Levi’s already offered hand for support. “But there’s so much you don’t understand.”

“What!” She yelled but took another breath to calm down, almost hiccuping. “What don’t I understand? You won’t talk to me!”

“I am talking to you!” He begged. “I told you all of what I know.” A lie and it hurt. “But we can’t do anything until Armin gets back.”

Mikasa put her face in her hands, shoulders shaking.

“Where did he even go?”

“Work, I assume?” Eren shrugged, pointing downstairs. “Where else would he be?”

“God damn it, Eren.” She hissed into her palms. “I’m so scared for you and I can’t even do anything. I’m terrified for everyone. Why do They only attack some people? Why aren’t They anywhere else? Why is he here?” She pointed to Levi, who looked down to the floor.

“We don’t know.” Eren answered. “We’re in the dark about a lot of this because Grandfather is a selfish asshole who’d rather see someone innocent die than someone already dead.”

“What?” Mikasa whispered, looking up, slightly hysterical. “Already dead?”

“Erwin. He died. He killed himself for—” He cut off, taking a second to right his blunder. Levi squeezed his hand. “He’s dead and now an eye-eater, but he’s helping us. He’s Grandfather’s brother and apparently, if we know how to kill Them, we’ll end up killing Erwin too.”

Levi squeezed his hand again, the movement painful. It pulled a teeth-clenched hiss from Eren.

“I’m sorry.” Eren said, rubbing a thumb over Levi’s hand before facing his sister again. “But I’m still confused to what Erwin wants.” Another lie, he knew what he had to do, but why, he still didn’t know. He had to die, but how would that work? What if it didn’t? Erwin obviously hadn’t succeeded.

“Just—” Mikasa pulled on a piece of her short hair, twirling the black strands until they wrapped around her finger. “What can I do? I’m so useless right now, Eren, tell me what to do.”

He opened his mouth, but a sigh came out instead of words. Levi squeezed his hand again. Eren ignored him.

“Stay calm.” Eren breathed. “Stay calm and fight back with us. We’ll go see Reiner when Armin comes back.”

“That’s it? I can’t stay calm, this is bullshit.” She rested against the bathroom door, sniffing wetly.

“I’m sorry.” Eren apologized for everything he'd done and what he'd do very soon. 

-

“You took them.”

“I did.” His voice was chiming, so alike Levi, the hair on his body stood on end.

“Why?” He knew why, but he also knew Erwin understood what he meant.

The monster stood, full height, so tall and grotesque Armin could barely look at him. He looked nothing like the pictures Grandfather hoarded had suggested. Erwin was just an eyeless skull; skin wrapped so tightly around his body it was like it wasn’t even there. Armin wanted nothing other than to look away; to find Eren and hold onto his hand, to take Annie away from the ocean, but it wouldn’t be that easy. If they left, no doubt the Augenfressers would follow. There was only one, cruel way.

“She was scared and I was so… lost. I can't ever see Levi again, nor my brother, I couldn’t even see you without wanting your—you. I wanted you to badly, it pained me and I couldn’t bring myself to stay close to my family.”

“So you preyed on Annie. You took her eyes.”

Erwin nodded, moving his skeletal hand to hug his arms. Armin noticed how the black that had been on Levi’s third knuckle before, was settled on the first on Erwin. He wondered what that meant.

“I cannot be saved, Armin.”

“An act of true love—”

“Can’t save me now." He interrupted. "I sealed my soul to hell by taking her eyes.”

Armin’s heart stuttered and his chest clenched around the muscle. He didn’t even know Erwin, but still, his great Uncle was suffering. Nobody deserved to stay a monster forever.

“You can only kill me.” Erwin told him, wheezing another sigh, like a winter breeze through a thin door. “That’s the only way.”

“You’ll stay an A—monster forever if we don’t, you mean.” Armin clarified, sitting on the cold concrete, hugging his legs to his chest. “Eren thinks he knows how to kill them… and I think I know what he means to do.”

“Do not stop him, Armin.” Erwin said, almost like a warning. The blond on the floor stiffened at the low, strict tone. “That’s the only way.” He repeated.

Armin mused that maybe monsters relied upon repetition, since both Levi and Erwin seemed to have that habit.

“He’s going to offer himself in Levi’s place.”

“Yes.”

“He can’t!” Armin stood. “He can’t do that, that’ll just make him a monster.”

“No,” Erwin tilted his head in the darkness. “He will not become a monster. His act of true love will kill Them. Us.”

“So…” Armin paused, chewing on his bottom lip in thought. His brain was racing to work as quickly as possible. He knew he didn’t have much time. “So, he’s going to offer himself in Levi’s stead.”

“And yours,” Erwin added with a slump of his bony, wide shoulders. “And his sister’s. It is all about intent.”

“How do you know all this?”

Erwin sighed again, somehow looking paler, in spite of the deep darkness Armin couldn’t wait to escape.

“When you become what I am, you know what can and can’t hurt you. You live in fear of what hurts you most. Almost like an instinct.”

It made sense, Armin guessed. Inherently, he knew if he stopped breathing, he’d die—like an infant, gasping for its first breath and always breathing afterwards. It was an ingrained instinct to survive. Apparently, it applied to everything in nature, not only humanity. The thought unnerved Armin.

“So, Eren is going to offer his life in our stead.” His voice cracked, overcome with the bear grief accompanying the thought. “Is that… what Reiner was doing? When he tried to kill himself?”

Erwin smiled.

“You’re smart,” He noted. “I always knew you’d be bright.” He nodded. “Yes, Reiner knew what he was doing. His intent was to save Bertoldt, the boy he loves, who has suffered enough.”

“How did he know?” Armin found himself whispering, simultaneously horrified and in awe by Reiner’s bravery (or stupidity, he wasn’t sure what to label his actions yet).

“Ever since I took that girl’s eyes, I’ve been able to keep a clearer mind. The hunger, so to speak, has dimmed, lessened. I wouldn’t come near you if I weren’t capable to keep myself at bay. I’ve been giving him the same visions as Eren.”

Armin nodded, wondering how this man ever came to such a cruel fate.

“I’m sorry, but I need to know.” Armin began and Erwin nodded for him to continue. Armin took a deep breath. “If you offered yourself in Levi’s stead, fifty years ago, how come it didn’t work?”

“Ah.” Erwin breathed out, voice light and airy. “Yes. I knew you would ask. But you already know the answer.”

“I do?”

“Yes.” The light flickered on, the door opening. “You answered the same thing for Eren. And he has told you as well.” And like someone took a giant eraser and slid it across his body, his image grew fuzzy. Armin had to close his eyes, for fear of losing his dinner.

“Armin.” He heard a voice from the top of the steps, but did not acknowledge it.

Erwin was actually, in layman’s terms, a hero. He didn’t commit suicide. He offered himself in Levi’s place and saved a part of his humanity, trading it for his own. Finally, the emotions caught up to him, crashing over his head like the waves outside. He couldn’t breathe; heart a staccato, it hurt too much.

“Armin!” The voice called to him again and he slowly turned his head.

“I’m fine.” Tears trailed down his cheeks. “I’m—I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: I give that you may give
> 
> i almost kept his longer hair for another chapter because someone mentioned that his hair being braided should be a thing... sigh what a wasted opportunity i should have done it. 
> 
> btw this took me so long because i hate it, i was busy, and fuck Mikasa's character is difficult siGH thank you yatojaeger, my goddess, for the advice. (i may come back and rewrite this... idk yet)
> 
> more fanart [here](http://the-world-alice-seen.tumblr.com/post/93548253472/trying-to-stay-quiet-to-keep-from-waking-armin), [here](http://jayce-y.tumblr.com/post/95334764151/this-ereri-fic-is-too-much-for-me-xd), and [this](http://foxicology.tumblr.com/post/94207822584/strawberivai-oh-my-gosh-im-laughing-so-much-i) isn't fanart but I had to post a link because I couldn't stop laughing. 
> 
> leave comments or asks i am super interested to hear your theories/thoughts!


	23. iugulare mortuos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another very short, transitional chapter. next ones hurt so fucking much

The door slammed open and Eren jumped away from Levi. Mikasa flinched, moving as to defend herself, until she saw who stood in the doorway. Armin was crying. 

"Armin, what happened?" Eren immediately ran to him, grabbing his face and thumbing over the wet cheeks. "Are you okay?" 

His best friend quietly wrapped his hands around Eren's and pulled away. His face was blank and terrifyingly pale. 

"What's going on?" Mikasa spoke up, voice loud and clear in the horrific atmosphere. Eren's shoulders relaxed slightly at the strength of her voice, grabbing Levi's hand when he moved to him. 

"I talked with... Erwin and Grandfather." 

"Erwin?" Mikasa asked. Levi's grip on Eren's hand turned almost painful. 

"I know what happened. Everything. After I talked with Erwin, Grandfather found me and, well, he told me the truth." 

"The truth." Eren didn't sound convinced. "And you believe him? What did he say?" 

Armin sat on the bed, gripping the wooden post for support. He looked like a strong breeze would knock him over. 

"It's a long story," Armin began. "But I'll start with what Erwin said." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, still crying. "He took Annie's eyes and ever since then, he's been able to regain a bit of his... humanity, I guess, since he took hers. So he's been giving Eren visions and even some to Reiner. That's why he jumped off his roof. He was hoping the fall would kill him and in return, save us." 

Mikasa put a hand over her mouth. Eren swallowed and stared at his feet, grateful Levi was still holding onto his hand. 

"And he basically said the same thing we already knew—an act of true love kills Them. It doesn't matter if it's romantic or platonic or familial, just unconditional. Willing to do anything for who you love." 

Eren looked to Levi, while Mikasa looked to Eren. Her eyes were wet. 

"It didn't work for Erwin. He didn't have that unconditional love, but he really did love you, Levi." Armin blinked rapidly, his chin trembling. He sniffed loudly when Levi took a shaky breath. "Then Grandfather found me and told me how he knows what he does. About his father, his brother, you." He nodded to Levi. 

"Why didn't he tell us before?" Eren's voice cracked, throat still tender, especially since screaming over the battery. "He could have saved Annie, even Bertoldt." 

"He was scared, Eren." His tone was soft, sympathetic. "Eye-eaters were threatening his family, haunting everyone he loved. It was the era of the Great Depression—nobody was happy, the perfect time for Them. What would you do?" He didn't give his best friend time to answer, talking over him. "I told you how Grandfather didn't like us drinking and there's a reason: his father was a drunk. I mean, you're tortured every night by the eye-eaters, whispering in your ear how they're going to take your soul, your children's... I'd be terrified.

So he took to alcohol and it seemed to help. Until Erwin came home from the war and suddenly, They were back, this time targeting his son. So he did what Erwin would eventually do—he took his life in order to spare his son's. It wasn't unconditional though, but selfish. Grandfather said it runs in the family." 

No one dared to speak, the story was so heavy. Eren didn't even know what he could have said. 

Armin took another deep breath before continuing, no longer crying. He didn't look stronger, per-say, but prepared. There was only so much pain, Eren thought, which he could take. Maybe he had been numbed by now. 

"He gave me the picture, of you and Erwin." He told Levi, who took a step back. "You don't have to look at it. But he said he couldn't keep it anymore. Either give it to you or burn it." 

Eren wanted to see, his curiosity burning, but then he thought back to his dreams. He had seen them both, in the metaphorical flesh. A black and white stagnant photo wouldn't do them justice. 

"And one more thing." Armin stood. "Levi, let me see your hand." 

Slowly, Levi lifted his left hand, still holding onto Eren's with his right. Armin carefully held the limb up by the wrist, studying the claws and black dipped fingers. "I've been thinking about this, for a few days. And then I saw Erwin's hands, so I think I know what this means. Eren, the monsters are pure white, right? No black?" 

Now that he thought about it, remembering his dreams and the lethal hands around his throat, there hadn't been any black fingertips. 

"Yeah, they're just white." 

The blond nodded. "Like I thought... Levi, I think you're turning human again." 

Levi's head snapped back, yanking his wrist out of Armin's grip. His claws caught Armin's sleeve. 

"What?" Mikasa spoke up, looking to Eren's hanging jaw before to Armin. "How's that possible?" 

"How'd you figure that?" Eren said. 

"Actually, you did." He smiled at Eren's look of confusion and wide eyes. "Remember, in the library parking lot? You told me you thought Levi was still human, but stuck between planes. And I think you're right. For the longest time, Levi's hands were almost completely white. He didn't think he was human, until you told him he was. You made him remember his humanity and, literally, gave it back to him by loving him. And since he was always on the fourth plane, the plane of the eye-eaters, his body wouldn't change.

Now he's constantly on the first. His body is remembering." 

"But his hands are black." Mikasa broke in. "Black isn't a healthy color." 

"It's the color of death." Armin said. He looked happy, despite his words. 

"...How's that good?" Eren asked. 

Armin grabbed Levi's hand again and raised it to Eren's eye level. 

"It's a type of self-death. That monstrous part of him is dying, Eren, making room for what he really is—human. The eye-eater inside him is slowly going away and it's all because of you."

-

"So you're dying, but you're not dying." Eren brilliantly concluded.

Levi cradled his hands in his lap, observing as infectious color spread at the pace of a handicapped snail. Five days ago, it had been on the first knuckle. Now it was spreading past the third. 

"I never noticed." Levi mumbled. "I don't like looking at my... body." 

"I like it," Eren spoke up, trying to lighten the mood. "Your body. It's nice." 

Snorting, Levi looked up. His cheeks were pink again, lips turned up in a small smile. 

"You're an idiot." He told Eren affectionately. 

Armin, the eternal third wheel, leaned over Eren's shoulder. 

"Still here." He told them. 

"We know." Eren answered. He sighed before leaning heavily against the headboard of the bed. The lighthearted mood just wouldn't stick around, even with the news of Levi turning human again, along with the fact that Eren was the one who made that possible. Sure, that information lifted his heart and his bones seemed to tingle, but the weighty idea of what was to come—what had to come—was enough to ruin his smile. Levi noticed, apparently, as he too exhaled and leaned back, shoulder brushing Eren's. 

"We need to talk about the act of true love." Armin began quietly, but Eren snapped his head around to glare at him. "What? We do." 

"It can wait until tomorrow." 

"Agreed." Mikasa sat on the edge, nearest Armin. "But I don't want to be alone." She admitted. 

"Think we could all fit in this bed?" Eren offered, scooting closer to Levi ( _oh darn_ ), pulling Armin with him. Mikasa quickly joined, glad she was small enough to wiggle her way in. She curled over Armin, her hand close enough to fist Eren's shirt. 

"Squished." Armin muttered, but didn't sound too upset. Eren laughed while Mikasa snorted, back shaking. 

Mikasa seemed to go boneless, burying her face into Armin's blond hair, and neck.

"Love you guys." She mumbled. 

Eren laid down, heart pounding as Levi followed, Armin and Mikasa already down and comfortable. He curled to Levi, giving Armin room enough to breathe against his back. Smiling at his lover, Eren dared to kiss his forehead a few times, smiling into his hair afterwards. A nap would do everyone some good and holding onto Levi felt so right.

"So... who's gonna turn out the lights?" 

A collective groan. 

-

After making sure Eren's door was closed, Mikasa went to her borrowed bedroom. She found Annie waiting by the bathroom. 

Mikasa looked to the door, making sure it was locked.

"Why'd you call, what do you want?" Annie asked, crossing her arms defensively. She looked pale and shaken, like she'd been crying for hours. The skin around her eye sockets was red and swollen. Mikasa had to look away to the window overlooking the waves. 

"Answers. Eren said he told me everything, but it was hardly anything. And then Armin said Grandfather told him this story about how everything happened and I... I just don't understand why. What's Eren going to do?" 

"Where are they?" Annie asked, moving closer to Mikasa, who had to force herself to look her friend. "Do they know I'm here?" 

"No. They're asleep in Eren's room." She shifted on her feet, obviously still uncomfortable with the situation. "I'm so scared and... it's so _unfair_." 

Annie grabbed Mikasa by the arms, bodily throwing her into the bathroom. She stumbled over the bathtub and barely managed to catch herself with her forearms. Hissing in pain, Mikasa glared up at Annie in shock.

"What was that for? It fucking hurt!"  

"Shut up." Annie snapped and Mikasa clicked her jaw shut tight. The rage in her eyes was burning through Annie, but the blonde seemed unbothered by it. Rather, she looked sick to her stomach, but stubborn. She took a deep breath, shivering. "B-Bertoldt died last night." 

"What?" Mikasa whispered, her stomach plummeting, blood suddenly ice-cold. 

"He killed himself, offering his soul for ours, for mine and Reiner's." Her voice was inflectionless, dead. Mikasa stared on in horror. What had Bertoldt died for then, if Annie too was already dead? Her eyes were gone, her soul no doubt with them.

"But... But... oh my god, Bertoldt." Mikasa slowly let herself slide down into the tub, her strength gone. Her shoes knocked on the cheap plastic. "Is that—oh fuck is that what Eren is going to do?" She looked close to a deep inset panic. "No, no, I won't let him!" She moved to sit up, but Annie towered over her, in the way. 

"Sit the fuck down." Annie pushed her down with her hands, hovering over Mikasa. Her empty sockets stared straight at Mikasa's wide eyes. "You have to let him do it, Mikasa. They'll leave us alone when he does, don't you dare stop him. Someone has to do it." 

"Not him!" Mikasa yelled, struggled under Annie's strong hold. "Not him, no, he's just a kid! He can't!" 

With a sharp smack to the wall of the tub, Annie stopped her yells. She hissed in pain again, beginning to cry. 

"Mikasa."

"Bertoldt is dead... Eren can't die..." Mikasa whispered, mumbling through the pain, shaking her head. "No, he can't do it." 

"He has to!" 

"No!" 

"Mikasa, we're all damned if he doesn't. They want him so bad—They won't leave without a soul. His is so dark, They can't help but torment him until he gives it up. But if he gives it up in the name of other's, They'll die!" Annie shook her, begging Mikasa to understand. She too began to cry, the holes in her skull leaking tears. Mikasa gasped in shock. "It's the only way to win. There isn't any other way." 

"Love?" 

"Eren has to, Mikasa. He loves you so much, he'd do anything. It's because he doesn't love himself that's he's able to love other's so completely. He keeps none for himself." She began to whisper now, head bent, their foreheads touching. "Someone has to love enough for all of us." 

After a moment of crying and gaining back her breath, Annie looked up. What she found terrified her. 

A gasp.

"Don't you dare.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: to cut the throat of corpses
> 
> Please note this is so short because the next chapter will be a monster and I needed to set it up a certain way. And I'm exhausted from exams even though I haven't worked on this chapter for a long while. So sorry for taking another month. University likes to kick me when I'm down, apparently. 
> 
> But you can thank yatojaeger for the forehead kisses. She is a national treasure and was feeling sick, therefore fluff.... before the angst haaaaA


	24. lex taliones

"There's one thing I never understood." Armin sat on the wicker couch, across from Grandfather, who looked like he'd aged ten years. 

"What?" Mikasa said, looking to the journal on the table. "That thing?" 

"No, that I get, but something else has been bothering me. Grandfather, you threatened us by saying you knew how to kill the monsters," the old man flinched, but Armin didn't let up. "There's another way."

Eren sat up quickly, startling Mikasa enough she lost her balance. 

"There isn't another way." Grandfather sighed, face blank as he looked past their faces. "Just a reassurance They wont come back. What ties Them here." 

"What is it? What ties Them here?" Eren demanded, squeezing his thighs together as he leaned towards Grandfather. "Why didn't you get rid of Them before?"

"I told you!" Grandfather snapped, white face flushing red in anger. "It would be like killing my brother! But... he would just come back. He always comes back. And it wouldn't kill Levi anyway. He's stuck here forever." 

"How do we insure that They wont, then?" Mikasa sounded deadly, eyes narrowed as she glared at Grandfather, daring him to lie. Her love for him had been as deep as Eren's, but her severity scared him anyway. "How do you kill Them for good?" 

Grandfather looked to the kitchen window, where a line of shells sat on the dying afternoon light. Eren blinked, remembering each room he'd seen the shells. The porch, the kitchen, Grandfather's room, Armin's, Erwin's room. They were everywhere. 

"I... I thought you put them there, Armin," he sounded shocked. "We picked some of those shells together my first night. When I first saw Levi." 

"Those monsters have a nasty habit of breaking apart souls. Every time you picked up a shell, a piece of you stays with it." Grandfather explained. "They're talismans, a kind of marker that keeps Them from leaving." 

Armin stood up, running into the kitchen to swipe the shells from the kitchen window. Having the strain to see him, Eren leaned over Mikasa and watched as Armin took a spoon and smashed the shells. Shards littered the counter, scratches indenting the wood. Grandfather took in a shuttering breath, exhaling wetly. He looked ready to fall over. Mikasa joined Armin and took old recipe books, helping him in destroying the rest. 

"This will get rid of Them?" Armin yelled, smashing the last shell. "All my life I thought these stupid things were beautiful. You told me my mother collected them," he was beginning to cry, tears edging his waterline. "I can't believe I thought they were beautiful." 

"There are more upstairs and outside," Eren told him, hoping to stop Armin's up-coming rant before he became a mess. "But... you said this won't kill Levi," he turned to Grandfather, who nodded, refusing to look at him. "How? Why? Why is he so different?" 

"He's not fully... one of Them." Grandfather said. "He hasn't taken a soul, therefore his existence isn't tied to the damn things. Smash them all you want, but he'll still exist in that closet for the rest of your lives." 

Eren flinched when he heard further smashing coming from Grandfather's room, Mikasa probably taking care of those while Armin ran up the stairs. Eren wondered if Levi had any idea what was happening. What his reaction would be to knowing that the shells were the problem all along. 

"But Levi told me he could leave," he forced himself to steer back to the conversation at hand. "That he was allowed to leave the house." 

"It would probably kill him," Grandfather mused, sounding disgustingly thoughtful. Eren wanted to punch him in the face. "He exists in this house because he wants to. Because my brother died here, because Armin is here, because he promised to keep us safe. Now that he isn't anymore, sure, he can leave. But without a purpose, I doubt he'd survive. Anybody who knew about him would probably kill him anyway." 

"So he can die by mortal means," Mikasa rejoined them, putting down the recipe book next to Eren's head on the back of the couch. "Say a weapon or suffocation." 

"I'd guess, yes." Grandfather said. 

"Then They can too," she went on, eyes locked onto Grandfather. "If he has no tether and can die by mortal means, then once we destroy Their tether, they could too."

"Not quite." 

"What?" Eren snapped his head from his sister, shocked. So many ideas were being thrown around, his head was beginning to pound. 

"They're monsters. You can't just kill a monster that feeds on emotional and spiritual realities. Something physical won't be enough," Grandfather explained, finally looking them in the eyes. The color of his eyes were similar to a frozen pond. It unnerved Eren. "A sacrifice has to be made. Someone has to die."

"We can't just give Them what They want," Armin walked into the room now, hopping off the last step. "I smashed them all, so there has to be something we can do. Giving up someone isn't an option." 

"There's no other way." Grandfather sighed. 

There wasn't, Eren agreed silently. He looked to his best friend and his sister carefully, watching both of their reactions. Mikasa wasn't meeting anyone's eyes and Armin was finally letting the tears escape. He looked furious, red in the face, and like he wasn't to scream that the world was so unfair. 

Yeah, Eren agreed again, gripping the fabric of his jeans. The world definitely wasn't fair. 

-

They hadn't had a moment alone in days. Eren felt almost starved as he watched Levi stretch, his outline bright against the french doors and the setting sun beyond the ocean. He had been exhausted, but suddenly felt like he could take a five-mile hike as he watched his lover sigh and pop his unnaturally long spine. Even the warning from Grandfather earlier couldn't shut out his feelings. It didn't matter now that he watched Levi heave a good long breath, looking tired and worn out. All he knew was that he wanted to see Levi stretch and blink at him everyday. So he had to die.

"Levi." Eren reached out a hand and slowly, his lover shuffled his bare feet across the wood. Levi took his hand, his cheeks pink under the navy blindfold. His heart felt like it was about to explode, his lungs somehow constricted and feeling smaller. It was amazing. 

"What?" Levi tiled his head and for a moment, Eren thought of the monsters. But then Levi smiled without teeth, genuinely happy and relaxed. He had no idea.

"I love you," he felt like a child when Levi took in a sharp breath and stayed quiet, but he wasn't looking for a response. With everything that he was going to do, Levi needed to know, to have a reminder of why. "I really do." 

Squeezing his hand, Levi looked to their bare feet. Eren moved his toes, watching Levi's clawed ones fidget. Even the small appendages looked embarrassed and it was too much. So he looked back up and pulled his lover closer. Levi's arms immediately went around his middle, snug and warm. Pulse flying, Eren put a hand around Levi's neck and pressed a kiss to his forehead, brushing out the stray hair.

His skin was warm, now. 

A knock on the door. Armin's face looked apologetic, but slightly unsettled. 

"What?" Eren muttered into his arm, too comfortable to spare his best friend his patience. 

"Reiner is awake. Got a call from his parents. He'll be fine." 

Like a good, abrupt cracking of the spine, relief fell into place inside his body. Eren melted further into Levi, tugging him closer, not ever flinching as his toes scrapped the tops of his feet. The brief thought of Armin's scratched feet entered his mind when he looked at his own, but this was completely different. Levi had no idea, as he released a soft puff of air, rustling the hairs on Eren's arm. He supposed intention really might change everything. 

The monsters intended to hurt and Levi intended to help. 

Eren intended to die... maybe that would change things. 

-

“He’ll leave you. Everyone is the same.”

“No, shut up,” he hissed between his teeth, heat rising to his face in a fit of rage. The monster’s grin widen at the sight of his control crumbling.

“If his life is in danger, he’ll do anything to save it. Even throwing you away. Death is the common ground all men share. The same fear, the same ending. He cannot escape it.”

“Fuck you,” Eren snarled, voice low and dark. “He’s not like you cowards. I'll fucking kill you if you touch him.”

The Augenfresser tilted its head, bending in such a way Eren’s stomach rolled and coiled in disgust. He remembered Levi doing the same, his smile spreading warmth through his fingertips. 

“He will leave you. He will die. And you will be there to watch,” the tone was mocking, grinding on his nerves and doubts. “Then we will take what matters most to you. ”

Eren felt himself flinch as the monster outstretched its pale, almost skeleton hand, so close to his face he could feel the cold heat. He smacked the hand away, enjoying its shriek. He would enjoy killing Them. 

He knew the exact moment when the dream crumbled in favor of reality. Levi was still cradling his body, asleep next to him in the bed. The sun was gone, the house quiet. His bedroom door was cracked open, Mikasa no doubt checking up upon them every hour or so. 

Staring at the ceiling, Eren knew it was time. 

They had invaded his dreams as a last ditch attempt. Eren wanted to laugh, bitterly and cruelly. There was no way he'd be selfish; he'd give his life for Armin's, Mikasa's, Levi's. Even for his friends who had no idea. For Annie, even. He'd do it for them all. 

But as he listened to the crash of the waves, he couldn't bring himself to move. Levi's steady, slow rhythm was in juxtaposition with his own. Racing and crawling; so opposite. His eyes began to burn, heavy with the weight of what he was about to do. 

Yes, he was scared. Terrified. They would take his eyes and finally leave, but would it hurt? He didn't want to give up, but he also knew it wouldn't be a defeat. Intention, he reminded himself. Erwin had intended to kill Them, but he hadn't known about the shells. Levi intended to protect Armin, but he hadn't counted on Eren showing up with more eye-eaters. Eren intended to die and kill Them, this time with success. But the intention still was deep. 

Life for a life, he supposed. A soul in exchange for a soul. 

Levi would still be tied to the house, even with the eye-eaters gone, he realized. He didn't want that. 

Eren tucked his chin to see his lover on his chest. The scarf had slipped, his eyelids over black holes. It looked strange without anything to meet the skin. Staring at his eyelashes, Eren imagined giving his eyes to Levi instead. Maybe they could just leave together. He'd be blind, but Levi would be human again, right? He'd get to live with him, share a life, kiss his eyelids and feel the roundness of his own eyes, getting to kiss him in the morning, hold him, not worry about—

No. He couldn't be selfish. The monsters would still haunt the house, maybe spread to other people. 

Forcing himself to not even touch that fantasy, Eren carefully moved Levi. His lover didn't stir, only heaving a deep, sleepy breath. Eren kissed his forehead and got out of bed. 

"Where are you going?" 

Eren almost tripped over his shoes on the floor. Mikasa raised her eyebrow, staring at him through the crack. 

"Christ, Mikasa," Eren whispered and quickly tiptoed to the door. "You scared me." 

"Where are you going?" 

"...I'm thirsty," he lied, forcing his nose to not give him away. It was difficult, but he managed. "Kitchen." 

"Me too," she insisted, looping her arm through his. 

They walked down the stairs awkwardly, bodies too close to make the journey easy. Trying to be quiet, Eren made it to the last step and separated from her. He grabbed a glass from a shelf, barely registering that the broken pieces of shells were still on the counter and floors. Toeing around the broken pieces, Eren filled his glass and drank. Mikasa watched him, not bothering to grab her own glass. 

She looked out the window. 

"I get it. You love him; you love him a lot," she told Eren, who smiled weakly over his glass. "And that's enough for me."

Eren tilted his head, confused. Her words said one thing, but her tone hinted at another. Did she know what he planned to do and was fine with it? Then why did she sound so sure? Even he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing, completely. What if it wasn't enough? But if it did actually save Armin, Mikasa, and Levi, then he'd do it everyday, no matter how long it took him. 

"I love you too, Mikasa. You, Armin, Grandfather," his voice cracked. Even though he would never forgive Grandfather, he still loved him. "Annie, Mom, Dad... I love you all so much. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to say it." 

Ignoring the broken shells, Mikasa hugged her brother. Her shoes crunched over them and Eren loved the sound. He hugged her back, fingers in her hair. God, his sister was so beautiful, so kind, so amazing. His heart was full with another kind of love, reserved just for her. Sniffing, trying to keep back his emotions, Eren pulled her closer. 

She was standing on her toes, a hand on the back of his neck, nose on his neck. 

She pulled away, calm. 

"Go to bed." 

Eren nodded. He'd wait till she was asleep, even though it was agonizing. Mikasa watched him disappear up the steps, shoes crunching the shells to dust. 

-

A scream. Armin's scream, Eren recognized. Without realizing he had fallen asleep while waiting for Mikasa to go to bed, Eren dizzily shot out of bed. He didn't hear Levi, his mind only echoing Armin's scream. It had came from outside. 

Armin was in hysterics. Eren shot past the porch, not even seeing the broken shells on the railing. 

There was a body in the sand, lifeless and empty. Her eyes were gone. Her head covered in sand, weighed down by the soaking journal as the waves licked at the body. 

He had been so wrong. The sorrow in her eyes hadn't been because of what he had planned—she knew exactly what she was grieving and it wasn't her own life being lost. 

He slammed his fists in the wet surf, weeping over Mikasa's lifeless body. Even Levi's touch made him flinch away and curve over her tighter. Gritty sand pressed against his face, getting into his eyes, his mouth, his noise, suffocating him. 

They were gone. Armin was safe, Levi was still an Augenfresser, and Mikasa was dead. 

The unchanging sea kept on churning, its fingers trying to pull him under. Eren welcomed it, begged it to take him instead. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: eye for an eye
> 
> one more. 
> 
> almost there.


	25. omnia vincit amor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it." -Caitlyn Siehl

He was back in his parent's car, which he had bought from them his sophomore year, gently pumping the brakes on the gravel. A few rocks sprayed the driveway and knocked on the car door, but Eren wasn't paying attention. He could barely hear anything over his rushing blood and pounding heart. 

The house looked the nearly same, though four years had gone and the salt of the sea laid waste to the paint. The colored shells were no longer on the porch banister, probably at the bottom of the sea where they belonged, but the absence made his heart jump. To think it all started with a few shells and ended with more deaths than he could imagine. His nose prickled and his vision grew blurry. 

Without wasting time, he left the car running and jogged up the steps, leaving his bags in the trunk, ignoring the _SOLD_ sign. Vaguely remembering how his mother and father had first dropped him off all those years ago, Eren opened the door. He tripped over nothing again, like that one summer, and the old, musical laugh of Grandfather lit his memories. Things had been so innocent, then, when he only worried about himself and his own illness. 

Racing up the first flight of stairs, Eren paused at the second floor. The laundry was off to the side and a door was wide open. The room was empty and the windows were closed by rusty nails. Putting a hand to his throat, Eren continued up the second flight until he reached the third floor and barely spared a look to Armin's old bedroom and bathroom door before taking the doorknob he'd dreamt about for years, still scratched by the monsters, and turned. 

It was different now. Armin had gotten rid of the old furniture—the large bed, the melancholy blues, the net, even the french doors. Instead, he had painted the panes to look like stain glass, with reds, oranges, and gold. But he couldn't stay put to admire the changes. The closet was still there. Still closed, as he had left it. Still holding the love of his life. 

He felt horrible for making Levi wait. He felt horrible for leaving him. But his sister had died and what was done was done, he'd been just a kid. He couldn't take his actions back, no matter how much it pained him to think of Levi rocking back and forth on the wooden floor, scratching into the wood his name over and over again. Choking back a sob, he opened the closet door and let out a pained noise. 

Levi was still there, always waiting for him. 

Eren dropped painfully to his knees, calling out for him, already crying like he was eighteen again, still scared and confused. Not much had changed.

Levi was still wearing his clothes, that maroon shirt he had first borrowed though the holes he had put in it were sown shut. He wore Eren's jeans, still tight and ill fitting, low on his waist and hips, his skin showing from the bone to the hem of the shirt. Eren felt overwhelmed and like he'd been punched in the throat. 

"You came back," were Levi's first words and Eren could only nod. He was a mess as he watched his lover turn around. His eyes were still hidden behind that stupid scarf from four years ago. That stupid fucking scarf hid everything, like nothing had happened. Eren felt like burning it, wishing he had never hidden Levi's face in the first place.

Walking closer, Levi sank to Eren's level and as his hand shook, pressed it against Eren's cheek. 

"You're back." Levi repeated, like he couldn't entirely believe Eren was there. Eren took his hand and leaned his head into the gesture, kissing the palm, his wrist, the fingers, getting his tears all over him. Levi didn't even flinch, looking just as broken as Eren felt. 

"I'm back." Eren told him, mouth wet with emotion, his chin wobbling. 

They leaned together in unison and kissed for the first time in four years. Eren didn't want to let go or breathe ever again. His chest was nearly splitting open, it seemed, his heart thumping wildly as it pressed against Levi. They fell to the floor, Eren atop him, pressing messy, still wet kisses to his cheeks, nose, forehead, pulling off the scarf without paying attention. Levi had him in a hold around his torso, struggling to keep still. Eren didn't want him to. 

"You got bigger." Levi said, his own mouth back on Eren's. Eren laughed, blinking his tears away so he could see Levi properly. 

"I'm twenty-one now." he informed him, struggling to stop his hyperventilating sobs. "I got a degree, a job, a car, even a house." Eren leaned down to press their foreheads together and exhaled. "Now I just need someone to share it with." 

Levi finally stopped shaking, moving away from Eren. 

"Eren, I can't." he sounded horrified. "Please, don't make me do this." 

Eren grabbed his hands, ignoring how Levi tried to feebly pull away. He pressed his fingers under his eyes. 

"Take them. They're yours. They've always been yours." 

"I wont blind you," Levi argued. 

"You think I care about seeing more than I do you?" Eren let go of his hands, but Levi didn't move them from his face. "You're not selfish. You're miserable, living in this closet for eternity to atone for a sin that you didn't even commit? Levi, we talked about this." 

Levi opened his mouth, but struggled to say anything. 

"I know you, Levi," Eren went on, crowding his lover against the floor. "If this were reversed and I had no eyes, you would give yours up for me. You'd do the exact same thing. Please, have a life with me. A second chance." 

It was true. Levi would do the same for him. Eren is all he’s ever wanted, Eren is all he needs, but can he really be that selfish, at the price of Eren’s eyes?

"I know you don’t think you can do it," Eren began, mouth against Levi’s neck now, trembling as he held onto him. "I know you think you’re not worth it. But damn it Levi, I’ve had four years to think about this. Four fucking lonely years to imagine my life without you and it _isn’t_ a life without you. I miss my sister so much, god it hurts so fucking much, but she didn’t give her life for nothing. Please… _please_ take my eyes. I don’t care. Being blind isn’t the worst thing, honestly. It’s a small price to pay to be with you for the rest of my life."

Levi couldn't get out the words. He was so incredibly overwhelmed and so terribly in love that he couldn't even breathe.

So all this time, Eren still loved him. All this time Eren stubbornly held onto the hope of Levi being redeemed and fuck his chest hurt to the point that he grimaced in pain, he was so in love and so fucking selfish. He pulled away and looked into Eren’s eyes, the old, monstrous desire to take, fluttering in the back of his mind.

Eren can make him human again with just his eyes, but the Augenfressers still have a hold on his soul and only Eren can bring it back by offering his own, shells at the bottom of the sea or not.

So Levi kissed him. He kissed him and kissed him, swallowing Eren’s sobs and heavy breathing, thumbing his trailing tears all the while whispering, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I love you, I’m so sorry.”

But Eren only smiled and broke the frantic kiss, putting his hands on either side of Levi’s face, fingers tangling in his hair. His beautiful eyes are hard to see now, his ability of seeing the seven planes nearly gone. But the bright eyes are like a beacon and bring him home.

And, true to his nature, Levi took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: Love conquers all
> 
> this was originally going to be the epilogue and final chapter, but yatojaeger convinced me to write another one bc we have no control and she really wanted a look at life after everything, so expect another, final chapter!


	26. accipe hoc

What could he do?

Darkness, though not really the same comfort he once knew, seeing the glittering stars behind his eyelids whenever he pressed hard enough against his corneas—it wasn't the same. No, he couldn't see anymore. Not like Annie and Levi described, not how Erwin saw horrors on every plane of existence. Disabled, but still able.

No, Eren was completely blind. There was nothing, which was still something, but again, not what he expected.

The first few days, he couldn't get out of bed. Levi lay next to him, harking stories and memories and new colors he was finally able to see. He'd been colorblind, back before the war, before his eyes were stolen out of his head. Now Levi could see a rainbow, a sunset, Eren's true color in the mirror with his lover's eyes inside his skull.

Levi told Eren his skin was almost pink, hands smaller with his nails short. He told him that his spine had straightened, shrunk, which had hurt like a hot iron. His hair was just the same, black as before. The purple under his eyes stayed, but faded to a healthy lavender underneath the pink tone of his human skin.

Eren's soul in exchange for Levi's lost humanity.

But then, Eren began to clutch his head, claiming headaches. His skin lost its brown burn and, like he was draining, faded to a pale, sickly shade.

Hungry, but unable to eat. It all tasted like dust on his tongue—earthy and foreign. Tired, but unable to sleep. How did he sleep before? Closing his eyes, he knew once when woken he'd be able to see again, but now... there were no eyes to open. Nothing to see. Nothing to keep his internal clock ticking. Was it morning? Afternoon? Levi told him, every single time he asked, but Eren couldn't believe it.

It was like being in a basement without windows, unable to keep track of time. Unable to fall asleep because his twenty-one years of life relied on sight for the cue, on the pressure of skin over his eyes, telling his body to relax, to sleep, it was all okay.

But it wasn't okay anymore. His eyelids only stretched over nothing, the weirdest feeling of all. No, wait. There was something else, in the back of his mind.

A tickling. An itch that made him frown, shift uncomfortably against his lover.

He was aching for something, anything, to satisfy it. Inside, he felt hollow, carved out wood, the edges rough and in need of sanding. Eren wanted to be filled, to take something and bury it deep inside. He was so hungry.

"Eren," Levi told him one morning, though he didn't know. Morning, evening. It was all the same. A continuous loop of never ending not-darkness, of not-nothing. "I'm worried."

Eren sighed into his warm side, sliding his cheek against Levi's strong shoulder, his nose brushing a collarbone. Oh, what would he give to see Levi again. As human, with baby pink skin and his own glittering eyes. His straight nose, his pastel lips, oh god, his lips. Those wonderful lips he dreamt of for years, getting him through the longest of nights. Now, he couldn't remember them. Couldn't remember the color of them—maybe, oh, no. He didn't.

And it terrified him.

"Levi," Eren fisted a hand on his arm, fingers trapped between his pectoral and bicep. Levi still never wore clothes unless necessary. 

_Oh_ , Eren wanted to see that. He wanted to see everything, so pink, red, flushed, so human he could have wept at the stark, sharp pain of a loss that would never return.

"Oh," he whispered, pressing further into Levi like he would sink through his pores, inside him where he was safe and things made sense. "Levi, I can't see anymore, I can't see."

"I know." Levi told him in the not-darkness. Eren couldn't fell the warmth of the sun through the doors anymore. "I know, Eren, I'm so sorry."

"I don't regret it," he said quickly, reassuring Levi. "I just wish I could see you human. See you with eyes, see you whole again. I'm so sorry I can't see what you see now. I'm so sorry, Levi."

"Not being able to see," Levi whispered in his hair, pressing kisses on his temple, on the crown on his head. "It doesn't change who you are. I love you the same, just as much. More, even. So much more, I can't handle it. I'm shaking with it, Eren, absolutely shaking. I can't hold all of it," he mumbled against his lips now.

"Levi," Eren cried.

"So hold on to some for me, hold on to my love, keep it, use the anchor. Stay with me."

"I miss her," he whispered. "I miss her, I miss them, I miss..."

Levi put his hand against Eren's head, cradling him closer, turning on his side. Eren pulled closer, shivering, seeing only not-darkness.

"I'm so angry, so fucking sad, so hungry, so cold," Eren pressed them joint to joint, Levi's hip bones settled inside of Eren's. "I'm not brave enough."

"No," Levi cupped the back his head and touched Eren's forehead with his own. "Take them back, take them, I don't need them. It's not worth—nothing is worth the cost of your... Eren, please, use my anchor."

What could he do?

The ocean outside wasn't there, only hearing Levi's stuttering heartbeat, his attacking breaths. But without his soul, without anything; he was only not-something.

How could he contin—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title meaning: take this
> 
> yes, it's supposed to end cut off. yes, it's sad as fuck and very much up to your interpretation. 
> 
> I've always wanted to write a horror/thriller and finally finished this monster, this wonderful, lovable, sorrowful monster. Eren gave up his soul, while still human... what happened to him is up to you. Did he die? Did he learn to live without one? Was Levi's love enough? So many questions. 
> 
> The greatest stories leave you with that feeling in your chest, an ache and an exhale of finality. I hope I made that possible for you. 
> 
> Thank you for the support, for the wonderful comments to which a lot I haven't replied. There's too many, but know I read every single one and appreciate your words, your comments, your screams of agony. 
> 
> Goodbye, honored guests. 
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://foxicology.tumblr.com)


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